I don’t know about you all, but I was brought up in the 90’s when kids were supposed to behave and act pleasantly. Grownups allowed us to be ourselves until our emotions got too big. Then, they’d tell us, in so many words – that those emotions were too much. So we learned to stuff the emotions and desires down, continuing to act as well behaved and pleasant as possible.
From a very young age, I knew to love dark chocolate because that was my mom’s favorite dessert. And I learned (without even trying it) to hate eggplant because it made my dad puke once.
Around adolescence, most kids learn what they like and dislike, what they want and don’t want, and what feels in line with their values. Those values can change at any time, but – assuming no major trauma or disability exists – we begin to become our own individual people in our teens and 20’s.
I endured abuse no child should have to even know about. So it’s even more difficult for me to differentiate. I also struggle with this due to a dissociative disorder that makes me have different parts inside my body, all who have their own desires and values.
I never really know who I am, what I want, or what I need..
One moment, I’ll say I like something, and then the next – just with a switch of personalities – I’ll tell the same person I don’t like it. It can be completely disorienting for others, as well as for myself. I’m mostly unaware of what’s happening during these moments. Due to the dozens of parts swarming in my head at all times, my memory feels like mashed potatoes.
This disorder makes finding my true identity very difficult. I’ll turn 36 next month, and I’m just beginning to know what I want and don’t want, where my boundaries are, where I can be flexible, and where I have to set hard boundaries to protect my inner system and energy levels.
For years I thought, I was supposed to say yes to everyone. But that led to me giving and not receiving any support. This led to merelapsing into my eating disorder; I fully drained my energy from giving to everyone, leaving nothing for myself.
Now I say no even when it’s inconvenient. I say “Only for a certain time frame,” or “Yes to what sparks a smile in me. But I say no to anything that any part of me says, “I don’t want to do that,” too. Unless it’s about bettering ourselves or taking care of my dog and myself, I give myself permission to say no.
Sometimes, saying no is the most powerful way to figure out what you really want.
I’m also allowing myself to figure out what I like, not what I think I should like.
That includes food. Unfortunately, I lost my ability to eat food orally 17 years ago, so I have not been able to try eggplant yet. However, I’ve figured out that milk chocolate tastes way yummier than dark chocolate to my taste buds! I know – sacralage!
Even if you think you should know who you are and what you like and dislike by now, give yourself some grace if you still wonder.
Growing up as a millennial didn’t allow for much error. We grew up before therapy was cool and normal. Only “crazy people” went to therapy. Trust me: I was one of those crazy kids who needed therapy very badly. But I was good at masking my true feelings to be who the adults wanted me to be. It’s only now that I’m breaking out of that.
Sometimes, you have to take your own healing into your own hands because no one taught you how to cope as a child. Saying “no” is the fastest way to know if you want or don’t want to do something.
On the flip side, if you do want to do something, allow yourself to change your mind and say, “Actually, I DO want to go!”
