How to step into the life you want today

A few years ago, my brother became a captain in the fire department.

Around the same time, he was turning 40, so I called to wish him a happy birthday. While we were catching up, he mentioned that he’d been eating healthier and working out consistently. Then he said something that surprised me: “I had a salad for lunch today.”

My brother has hunted since he was a teenager. Salad was never exactly his go-to meal.

When I asked if he was on a diet, he said, “Not really. I’m getting in shape for when I become captain. I want to look and feel the part before I actually take on the role.”

Hearing him talk about preparing for the promotion gave me a sense of how he was already stepping into the role before it was official. He was preparing internally for the version of himself the role required. In psychological terms, he was living in alignment with his future self—a concept researchers describe as the process of acting today in ways that embody who we want to become.

Research on future self-continuity (Hershfield, 2011) finds that when people feel connected to their future selves, they make choices in the present that align with long-term goals.

I found myself relating to his process in my own way. Over the past few years, I’ve been working to build something meaningful, something aligned with my purpose and the kind of work I want to offer. And even though the path hasn’t been straightforward, the inner preparation has mattered just as much as the external steps.

So much of becoming who we imagine ourselves to be happens long before the visible milestone arrives.

Internal Preparation Matters More Than We Think
Most of us recognize the importance of external preparation, like studying, training, meeting qualifications, making plans, etc. But psychological research shows that internal preparation—our mindset, identity, and beliefs we hold—plays an equally powerful role.

Psychologists call this identity-based behavior: we’re more likely to follow through on the changes we want when our actions match the identity we are strengthening.

My brother didn’t wait to feel like a captain before he began to live like one. His choices reflected the leader he was becoming, showing that the role is shaped from the inside out.

Seeing how my brother was preparing for his new leadership position before the title arrived made me think about the ways we hold ourselves back. Many of us have learned to wait until we feel “ready,” “healed,” or “perfect” before taking a step toward the life we want.

But readiness often comes after we begin. Not before.

From a psychological perspective, growth requires two foundational elements:

• Self-honesty: the willingness to look at what’s shaped us and how we may be getting in our own way.
• Self-compassion: the ability to meet ourselves and what we uncover without shame or harsh judgment.

You can think of this as the “inner soil” where real change begins to grow.

Creating the Inner Conditions for Growth

If we took the seed of a flower and left it on the sidewalk, it would remain a seed. However, planted in the right conditions, it naturally becomes what it was meant to be.

We’re the same. But unlike a seed, we carry wounds, conditioning, fear, and schemas, or patterns of thinking, that can interfere with the process of who we’re capable of becoming.

The environment around a seed determines whether it grows. Our internal environment works the same way.

We create a more supportive internal environment when we:

• Identify the beliefs, or schemas, that hold us back
• Examine fears that keep us stuck
• Notice the ways we self-protect or avoid taking action
• Develop habits that reflect our values, not our old conditioning
• Treat ourselves with kindness during the process

Intentional preparation is an inner alignment—a consistent, daily tending to what helps us grow. It requires attention, honesty, and patience, and it unfolds one choice at a time, each one shaping the version of ourselves we’re becoming.

What changes most isn’t necessarily our circumstances, but our capacity. As our internal environment becomes more integrated, we meet challenges with more clarity and take steps that once felt too scary or even impossible. The life we want stops feeling theoretical and starts feeling possible.

And perhaps that’s the most powerful preparation of all—not just imagining the life we want but becoming someone capable of living it.