Modern dating is one of the most complicated, anxiety-inducing things I have experienced. Everything seems to fall apart whenever I feel like I might have finally met someone and opened my heart to them. I want commitment; they want convenience. I work too much, and our lifestyles aren’t compatible. My anxiety is too much. Their drinking scares me. Our life goals aren’t in sync. Sometimes, everything aligns, but the relationship still does not work out.
One minute, you are together, laughing until you’re in tears. The next, you’re staring at your phone, wondering why they aren’t answering you.
Opening up to someone and letting them into your life is terrifying. Whenever you open your heart up to someone new, you must brace yourself for what could come next. It could be all good things, but it could also be monumentally hurtful things. And yet, we continue to do it anyway.
We accept the risk because we know that each time we open our hearts up to someone new, it could finally be when everything goes right. It could finally be when we meet the one, our soulmate. The person we have been waiting for could be the next person we open ourselves up to. This is why we have to keep trying.
The last time I opened my heart to someone, I felt free.
Yes, I was afraid, terrified even. But after ending a five-year situationship with someone I truly loved, I was also proud of myself for not giving up on love. I finally decided that I had enough of the games and the lack of commitment and was ready for something real. I was prepared to let someone new in and give them a chance to show me that not every relationship has to be painful. Not every relationship has to leave you feeling uneasy and uncertain of your place in someone’s life. I finally felt free to be myself again and let others see me for who I truly am. I was ready to stop walking on eggshells to try to keep someone in my life who didn’t actually want to be there.
Finally, I was ready to get back out there into the dating world after shutting myself out of it for so long.
I had been drowning myself in work and school for years to avoid the fact that I was so afraid to get hurt again, even though I was lonely. It is much easier to tell someone, “I’m not dating right now so I can focus on work and school,” than it is to tell them that I am still not recovered from a past emotionally abusive relationship and now I’ve fallen into a situationship with someone I hardly even get to see.
Going on that first date was one of the most anxiety-inducing things I had done in a long time. But I made myself go. Then I went on another date and kept going on dates and meeting new people. Each time, it got a little bit easier to do so. Each time I leave to go on one of these dates, I catch myself thinking, “Maybe this will finally be the one.” Even though I am still so afraid of what this stranger will think of me and of showing too much of myself too soon, I still put myself out there. I still try. And I feel so free.
