17 ways to lose a friend!

Friendships can be longstanding and yet still be vulnerable.

How to end a friendship, even a solid and long-term friendship, fast? Just use one of these lines. If you want to make sure you never hear from the person again, use two in a single conversation. That should do it.

1. I’m getting a text. Let me just see who this is. Just give me a minute. (Universal and unavoidable translation: No, I’m not doing anything with anybody important, what’s up?)
2. Maybe I should have told you sooner, but I knew you’d overreact. (Universal and unavoidable translation: You are a narcissistic hysteric and need to be more securely put in your place.)
3. My life is incredibly hectic right now. Maybe you can’t understand that. (Universal and unavoidable translation: I have an interesting and complex existence with responsibilities someone such as yourself–dull, isolated, and emotionally threadbare–lack the psychological bandwidth to comprehend.)
4. But do you like me better? (Universal and unavoidable translation: While it sounds as if I’m kidding, I’m not. If I don’t come first to you, I’m not going to be anywhere near you.)
5. Of course I remember. Remind me, though, why it matters? (Universal and unavoidable translation: I have no idea what you’re talking about because I listen to approximately one-third of what you ramble on about.)
6. Have you considered one of those new weight-loss injections? You’ve got good insurance. (Universal and unavoidable translation: You know you’re fat, right?)
7. I know picking up the check makes you feel good, so I won’t even ask to split it. (Universal and unavoidable translation: You want to prove you’re more successful than I am? Put your money where my mouth is.)
8. I’m not competing with you. I’m just telling you the truth. (Universal and unavoidable translation: I am so incredibly and definitely competing with you that we should probably hire a ref.)
9. It never occurred to me to invite you because I thought it wasn’t your kind of thing. (Universal and unavoidable translation: I forgot to ask you.)
10. I’m just not good at keeping in touch. Give me a break. (Universal and unavoidable translation: You like me more than I like you.)
11. I never believed you could actually be friends with that awful person, but I know you trust them more than you trust me. (Universal and unavoidable translation: I have contempt for those you choose to rely on and suggest you re-evaluate your friendships because you’re unwise and less discerning than I am.)
12. Is your pet having, like, bladder issues or something? Can you open a window? (Universal and unavoidable translation: How can you possibly live this way? Have you lost all self-respect?)
13. Gee, I always get my Hollandaise sauce on the side! (Universal and unavoidable translation: You’re fat.)
14. My neighbors are really fussy. Can you back into the driveway? Otherwise I’ll be hearing about your bumper stickers for days. (Universal and unavoidable translation: You embarrass me.)
15. It’s an accomplishment of some kind, but does it actually make you proud? (Universal and unavoidable translation: I am staggeringly jealous of you.)
16. If you’d told me the whole story sooner, I might have been able to help. (Universal and unavoidable translation: I would never have helped but I should be hearing your bad news from you because otherwise I don’t look as compassionate as I want others to believe I am.)
17. Maybe I’ll just start doing what you’ve been doing all this time, because I’m just ready for a change. You can give me a few leads, right? (Universal and unavoidable translation: Give me your agent’s mobile number, your editor’s direct email, and whatever sneaky trick you use to make deadlines.)If you’re in the company of a friend, do yourself and your pal a favor by being there entirely. Don’t be distracted; give them your full attention. Remember what’s important to you about the relationship. Prove it by being a sustaining and reliable friend. Treat them with respect, patience, and tenderness.