Imagine it’s 3 a.m. and you’re scrolling TikTok. You’ve come across a reel that tells you they know why you “ghost” when things get good, or they can tell you exactly why you double-text when you feel someone pulling away. You decide to stick around to find out it’s because you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style. You have no idea what that is, so you search it on TikTok and fall down a rabbit hole of information about attachment theory.
You start to remember certain connections and relationships and how you behaved in them, and now you begin to understand this is who you are–an anxious avoidant. But these are just labels, and they bring us some comfort. It feels empowering to know when something doesn’t feel right. However, this is not the finish line; it’s just the starting point. So where’s the content that tells you how to become a more “secure” attachment?
The Attachment Styles
Secure
This is the “gold standard, supposedly. And of course, it is a rare style. These individuals tend to feel safer, stable, and more satisfied in their relationships. They’re good at communicating, establishing boundaries, expressing, and all the good stuff in a solid connection.
Anxious
The “overthinker” and the “are we okay?” texter. These individuals feel more uncoordinated in the connection. The relationship often needs to be a certain way; they need certain responses and attention to make them believe they won’t lose this person. When things aren’t as they “should” be, anxiety sets in.
Avoidant
These are the “I need space” or “feelings are a lot” crowd. Avoidants don’t get into relationships they don’t want. It isn’t intentional. But the intense need for independence and the discomfort they feel with emotional intimacy result in them pulling away from the relationship when it gets too close.
Disorganized
This attachment style is also known as anxious-avoidant. It’s the emotionally confusing mix of the two insecure attachment styles. These individuals have behaviors from both, which make them push and pull in connections. This is a tougher one to break down, but still just as manageable.
Moving towards secure attachments
What’s missing in the content you’re viewing online is the solution, or some insight into how to become more secure in connections. The first thing you must understand is that your attachment style is not a life sentence. In psychology, we talk about neuroplasticity–the concept that your brain can rewire itself. You are not broken. You’re just running some outdated software that can be updated. Recognizing the problem is already 50% of the work; choosing to act differently is the other 50%.
When you’re feeling anxious, and you’re considering sending that third or fourth text in a row, the goal is not to stop feeling anxious; it’s to pause. Give yourself 10 minutes and walk away from your phone. Do something other than sending that text. This is training your brain to relax when you don’t get the immediate response, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Choosing the “boring” stability over the massive spark connections can also help mitigate those insecure attachment styles. Sometimes our “spark” meters get a bit out of control, and we need to rein them in. Sometimes we can mistake the spark of anxiety for inconsistent passion.
The bottom line is that building a secure attachment style won’t look like perfection. Odds are you might run across some of those same feelings firing off again in your brain. But that’s okay. Security looks more like a toolkit. When things feel a little rough, we have the things we need to navigate and overcome them. What is your attachment style?
