Personal practices for healthier interactions

I have set and am honoring healthy guidelines in how I relate to others:

1. I appreciate the ways others love me, no matter how limited. I am letting go of expecting—or demanding—that they love me exactly as I want them to. I am letting go of wanting others to prove that they love me. At the same time, I can always ask for the kind of love I long for.
2. I am learning to trust others when the record shows they can be trusted, while I, nonetheless, commit myself to being trustworthy regardless of what others may do.
3. I remain open to reconciling with others after conflict. At the same time, I am learning to release—with love and without blame—those who show themselves to be unwilling to relate to me respectfully.
4. I accept, without judgment, the given of sudden unexplained absence, ghosting, or the silent treatment by others, yet I will not use those styles myself.
5. I do not allow the judgments or impressions of others to contaminate my personal relationships. As a mindfulness practice, I am relating to people in my life based on my own experience, not on tales I hear about them. I ask the same of those close to me: “You are who you are to me because of how I experience you, and I ask that I be who I am to you because of how you experience me.”
6. When a family member suddenly cuts off communication with me, I ask for dialogue so we can repair the rupture. If the family member refuses, I respect that choice while remaining available for communication to resume. On my part, I choose not to ostracize family members who have offended me. Nor do I join other family members in their boycott against someone. When I meet up with family rejection, I grieve the situation and stay open to reconciliation.
7. I am learning to be assertive by asking for what I need or want. I ask without demand, expectation, manipulation, or a sense of entitlement. I show respect for the timing and choices of others by being able to take no for an answer.
8. I respect the freedom of others, especially those I love. I do not want to use any charms of body, word, or mind to trick or deceive anyone. I want others to have what they want. I am not trying to manipulate or intimidate others into doing what I want them to do.
9. I do not knowingly hurt or intend to offend others. I act kindly toward others not to impress them, win their approval, or obligate them, but because I really am kind—or working on it. If others fail to thank me or to return my kindness, that does not have to stop me from behaving lovingly nonetheless. When I fail at this—or at any of these commitments—I can admit it, make amends, and resolve to act differently next time. Now I can say “Oops!” and apologize more easily and willingly when necessary.
10. If people occasionally hurt me, I can say “Ouch”—in lower case letters or in all caps! I can ask to open a dialogue. I may ask for amends, but I can drop the topic if they are not forthcoming. No matter what, I do not choose to get even, hold grudges, keep a record of wrongs, or hate anyone. “What goes around comes around” has become “May what goes around come around in a way that helps everyone learn and grow.” I am thereby hoping for the transformation of others rather than for retribution against them. I am seeking repair, not revenge.
11. I am noticing that my capacity to forgive others—and myself—is expanding all the time. My forgiveness of others is a letting go of blame, ill will, and the need for revenge. This transformation by grace feels like a true liberation from ego.
12. I see that my forgiving others can’t be based on whether they are truly contrite or abase themselves to show they are. I recognize that demand on my part as another form of ego-triumph and retaliation. I want my forgiveness to be unconditional. Though I appreciate honest contrition or an apology, neither is necessary. What matters most now is honoring my own calling to be generously loving toward all beings without reserve or requirement and without keeping score of offenses, even if repeated.
13. I do not let others abuse me. I want to interpret their harshness as coming from their own pain and as a sadly confused way of letting me know they need connection but don’t know how to ask for it in healthy ways. I recognize this with concern and compassion, not with censure or scorn.
14. I do not gloat over the sufferings or defeats of those who have hurt me or those whom I dislike. “It serves them right!” has changed to: “May this serve to help them evolve.”
15. I realize that I, like all humans, have repressed and disavowed some negative and positive parts of myself. I am finding ways to uncover this shadow side of myself: My strong dislike of certain negative traits in others makes me ask if I have similar traits in myself. My strong admiration for the positive qualities in others reminds me to look for the same gifts in myself.