Most people think relationship success comes down to finding the right person. But decades of psychological research suggest something else: Many relationships fail not because we chose the wrong partner, but because we entered at the wrong stage of readiness. Before committing to someone, there are three psychological questions worth asking yourself.
No. 1: Do you have a secure attachment style?
Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and expanded through decades of research by Mary Ainsworth, explains something profound: Your approach to adult relationships was largely shaped before you could talk.
Attachment refers to your global orientation toward closeness, trust, and dependence, learned through early interactions with caregivers. When babies cry, and caregivers respond consistently and effectively, children learn: People show up. My needs matter. Relationships are safe. When caregiving is inconsistent, absent, or frightening, very different expectations form.
Today, researchers typically measure attachment along two dimensions: attachment anxiety (fear of abandonment) and attachment avoidance (discomfort with closeness). You can assess your own pattern using the Experiences in Close Relationships Tool, which is widely available online (see reference section below). Scores range from low to high on each dimension, producing four common attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful.
Securely attached adults are low on anxiety and avoidance. They communicate needs directly, expect respect and responsiveness, leave relationships that repeatedly violate boundaries, and trust without losing independence. Secure attachment predicts better mental health, stronger relationships, effective conflict repair, leadership success, and even improved physical health outcomes. In short, the securely attached assume love will work, and often help make it so.
Anxiously attached individuals have high anxiety and low avoidance. Early inconsistency has taught them that love can disappear without warning. As adults, they may seek constant reassurance, rush intimacy, and fear losing connection after positive moments. Ironically, behaviors meant to preserve closeness sometimes push partners away, reinforcing the belief that people are unreliable.
Those with an avoidant attachment style exhibit low anxiety and high avoidance. When caregivers were emotionally unavailable, children learned that self-reliance was safer than dependence. Adult patterns often include emotional distance, discomfort with vulnerability, and strong independence paired with relational withdrawal. Partners often feel shut out, confirming the avoidant individual’s expectation that closeness doesn’t work.
The fearful (disorganized) style is characterized by high anxiety and high avoidance. Here, the caregiver was both a comfort and a threat. These adults crave intimacy but fear it simultaneously, wanting closeness while bracing for harm. Relationships can feel confusing, intense, and unstable.
The good news: Attachment styles are not life sentences! They are socialized, adaptive strategies, and strategies can change. Attachment also creates a powerful self-fulfilling prophecy: We behave in ways that pull responses from others that confirm our expectations. Change how you show up, and people often respond differently. Security can be learned. For a quick self-check, ask yourself:
- Do I communicate needs directly, or hope partners guess them?
- Do I panic when communication slows?
- Do I withdraw when someone gets emotionally close?
- Do relationships feel calming or destabilizing?
Your answers often reveal readiness more clearly than attraction ever will.
No. 2: Have You Addressed What Needs Healing?
Love is not therapy, and partners are not rehabilitation centers. If trauma, chronic anxiety, depression, addiction, or unresolved emotional wounds are present, relationship readiness may require professional support. For milder challenges, evidence-based books, podcasts, and educational resources can help — particularly work grounded in research such as that of relationship scientist John Gottman, whose decades of studies predict relationship stability with remarkable accuracy.
For deeper issues, therapy matters. Research consistently shows the strongest predictor of successful therapy outcomes is the therapeutic alliance, the connection between therapist and client. If the first therapist doesn’t feel right, that doesn’t mean therapy failed. It means the match wasn’t right. Finding a secure, trusting therapeutic relationship often becomes a corrective emotional experience that reshapes how people connect elsewhere.
One essential principle: It is not your partner’s job to fix you, and not your job to fix them. Adult relationships work best when two people take responsibility for their own healing.
No. 3: Are You in the Right Life Stage?
Sometimes the issue isn’t attachment or trauma. It’s timing. During adolescence and early adulthood, psychological development centers on identity formation, a process described by developmental psychologist Erik Erikson. This stage is about answering questions such as: “Who am I?” “What do I want out of life?” Serious relationships require shared decision-making and mutual prioritization. When someone is still building education, career direction, independence, or self-knowledge, commitment can unintentionally restrict growth.
Dating during this phase is valuable; it teaches preferences, boundaries, and compatibility. But long-term partnership works best when individuals already know themselves well enough to be authentically known. Because ultimately, people tend to match with partners of comparable overall mate value. Not perfection, but comparability. Traits people commonly value include kindness, dependability, emotional stability, intelligence, health, ambition, humor, and physical attraction. Relationships struggle when partners perceive large mismatches in contribution or growth. If you repeatedly attract unhealthy partners, the uncomfortable question may be: What version of myself am I bringing into the dating pool? Improving your own well-being often changes who becomes available to you.
One More Reality Check: Passion Isn’t Enough
Psychologists distinguish between two types of love: Passionate and companionate love. Passionate love has been studied extensively by researcher Elaine Hatfield and includes “symptoms” such as euphoria, obsessive thinking about the partner, sleepless excitement, and emotional highs and lows. Neuroscience shows this stage activates the brain’s reward system, similar to cocaine or gambling wins. It feels incredible! But, it also isn’t sustainable.
By contrast, companionate love is more stable and is the foundation of long-term relationships. Common characteristics include shared values, emotional safety, friendship, reliable affection, and repair after conflict. There are fewer fireworks and more warmth. Healthy long-term couples intentionally add novelty and play to maintain passion, but stability anchors them. Many experts caution against marrying within the first two years, before relationships transition beyond pure passion.
What people want from love often evolves with life stage. In earlier years, passionate love—the excitement, intensity, and emotional rush—can feel irresistible. With time and experience, many begin to value companionate love instead. This isn’t a loss of romance but a shift toward sustainability.
Some people may never feel drawn to companionate love, and that is also valid; they may thrive in shorter relationships or prefer independence. The key is self-awareness: Knowing what kind of connection aligns with who you are and being comfortable living authentically within it.
Are You Relationship Ready?
You may want to pause commitment if your attachment patterns are highly insecure; significant emotional or mental health needs remain untreated; you’re still prioritizing identity development; and or you’re chasing emotional intensity rather than stability. Which of these readiness factors do you think people most often overlook?
You’re more likely ready when you can give and receive secure attachment; you’ve sought help where needed; you know who you are independently; and you value companionship as much as chemistry.
The Real Secret
The healthiest relationships are not formed when two people finally find each other. They form when two people arrive ready to communicate, regulate themselves, and build something steadier than passion alone. The question isn’t: Have you met the right person? It’s how well have you become someone ready to love and be loved?
