Whether or not we want to admit it, I think we all have checklists of what we are looking for in another person. Sometimes, we have physical attributes we want. Other times, we desperately seek someone who understands us at our core. In our current digital age, social media posts bombard us, telling us about everything to look for in our perfect partner.
The person must be honest.
They must have a great job.
Our person must want the same things we want.
They must be attractive.
The person must share our taste in music, restaurants, and hobbies.
They must be funny, smart, and kind.
The list goes on.
Are any of those things inherently bad? Absolutely not.
But when you focus so much on finding someone who checks all your metaphorical boxes, you often forget to make sure they are actually who they say they are.
With so much of our dating lives taking place through screens these days, people can easily pretend to be someone they are not. You might swipe through profiles on a dating app and then see them: your (seemingly) perfect match.
They’re attractive to you, have a great job, share the same values, match well with your astrological sign, and also love dogs and being lazy on Sundays.
You think you’ve met your perfect match.
But who are they, really?
We all know how to put our best selves on display.
We curate these profiles to make ourselves look our absolute best. When uploading photos, we only choose the ones we look the most attractive in. We pick prompts that make us look fun and endearing. And we act like these perfect cookie cutter caricatures of ourselves because we think that is what people want to see.
And are there some people who only want someone on the surface level? Absolutely.
But is that what you want?
Some people hide who they truly are because they are afraid of getting hurt again. They fear that being themselves will result in more heartbreak, so they do everything they can to become more palatable to whoever they date.
It can start with something small, like watching movies or shows you know you would never watch on your own because your partner wants to watch them. Even if you feel incredibly uncomfortable, you don’t want to seem boring or unlikeable to them.
Over time, however, these small moments add up. It all leads up to one day, when someone asks you if you ever sing in the car with your partner, and you say no. You realize you’ve never felt comfortable enough to do something like that in front of them. You realize you’ve been living as a watered down version of yourself to try and keep them in your life.
If the only way you can stay in a relationship with someone is to not be yourself, then this is not your person.
They may have everything you thought you wanted on paper, but is that who they truly are?
Dating someone who makes six figures won’t make you happy if you can’t even be yourself around them. And dating someone attractive won’t make you happy if they don’t actually care about you at all.
You can date someone for a year and still not really know them. So many of us hide behind carefully curated facades out of fear of rejection, fear of someone knowing and ultimately disliking us for who we really are.
Eventually, though, the mask will drop. Someone will slip up, and you will see them for who they really are. And if you don’t recognize who you see in front of you, it is time for something to change.
It doesn’t matter how perfect someone seems on paper if they always leave you feeling uneasy. Your gut knows the truth, despite what your metaphorical relationship checklist might be trying to tell you.
