10 things that happen to adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood

Every family has their own way of dealing with conflict, and some ways are healthier than others. Having a calm approach to conflict resolution serves a valuable purpose. When parents handle hard emotions with grace, it models that behaviour for their kids to learn from.

This gives kids a secure foundation to experience arguing and repair. It’s not easy to have balanced discussions when tensions are high, but when children watch family fights unfold, they tend to feel helpless, which damages their sense of self. Kids who were raised in volatile households equate disagreements with feeling unsafe.

The psychological things that happen to adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood aren’t easy to release, but once people let go of that part of their past, they’re free to be their truest selves, without any fear. Undoing and relearning patterns takes effort, patience, and heavy emotional lifting, but it’s an act of radical self-care that can change the course of a person’s entire life.

Here are 10 things that happen to adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood:

1. They feel unworthy

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood have a tendency to feel unworthy. They struggle to see themselves as deserving of love, joy, and security. Kendall Joy, the host of “The Levitating Podcast,” points out that “when you’re yelled at a lot as a child, these can turn into micro traumas, because it’s traumatic for you as a child to get yelled at… Over time, this builds a belief system that, ‘I’m not good enough.'”

For these kids, being the focal point of their parents’ anger shaped their interpretation of the world and their perceived place within it. Nothing they did was good enough, which meant they weren’t enough, either. They integrated their parents’ criticism into their identity, coming to believe in their own inadequacy, which meant they probably deserved all the rage sent their way.

Their low sense of self-worth defines how they live as adults. They may stay stuck in dead-end jobs and stagnant, unfulfilling partnerships because they don’t think they deserve more than what they have. Despite the warped messages they received in childhood, adults who got yelled at a lot absolutely deserve success and strong partnerships, just by virtue of being here and being themselves.

Reframing their thought patterns and talking back to their critical inner voice can help them build a sense of self-worth. Once they challenge their childhood narrative, they’ll be able to accept the undeniable human truth that we are all worthy of love.

2. They experience heightened anxiety

Living in a state of heightened anxiety is common for adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood. The outpouring of anger they witnessed as kids elevated their stress levels, which led to them being dysregulated on a nearly constant basis. As a result, they exist in a mode of fight, flight, or freeze, and they’re never entirely sure of what comes next. They’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They have a deeply ingrained sense of hyper-vigilance. They’re always anticipating the worst, which leaves them on edge, always. They have their own independent lives, but a big part of them feels like they did when they were young. They still expect to be yelled at, by their parents or anyone else.

Therapist Katherine Mazza says mindfulness can reduce anxiety by reconnecting people to the emotional landscapes they’ve been holding at a distance. “In treating anxiety, it’s common to have a sense of disconnection from yourself,” she points out. “Whether it’s from feeling overwhelmed or disempowered, it’s a loss of self-efficacy.”

“In stillness, we uncover the real concerns and fears, and in breaking this down it becomes more manageable,” Mazza continues. Committing to a daily mindfulness ritual is a gentle yet empowering approach to managing anxiety.

“Set aside 20 minutes, twice a day, to sit quietly in stillness,” she advises. “Breathe, observe, meditate, journal,” noting that mindfulness is “a lifestyle, not a quick cure.”

“Get connected to yourself. It’s when we lose touch with ourselves that the world spins out on us,” Mazza concludes.

3. They have a hard time understanding their emotions

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood have a hard time understanding their emotions, which creates a sense of disconnect within them. They never learned how to handle big feelings, in part because their parents were incapable of emotionally regulating themselves. They passed their low emotional intelligence down to their children, which is a textbook example of how generational trauma sustains itself.

Kendall Joy also touched on the cyclical nature of emotional suppression, saying, “What’s sad is that as a kid, we don’t know nor understand that the adult inflicting this harm on us is doing so either because that is what happened to them or they’re not emotionally available for themselves or aware enough to break the cycle or care about your feelings.”

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood never learned to name their feelings, let alone process them. In order to heal, they might have to reparent themselves, which involves giving themselves care that their parents weren’t able to provide.

Psychologist Suzanne Manser offers a technique to manage anxiety that helps people break down big emotions and observe themselves in an intentional way.

“Start by identifying the feeling, [then] identify where in your body you feel the feeling,” she advises.”Close your eyes and imagine yourself as a microscopic explorer. Imagine your microscopic self entering your body and standing in front of the identified feeling.”

“When you identify a feeling, you automatically take away some of its power,” Manser points out.  “It’s no longer an unseen, unknown, enormous, all-bad, overwhelming force. You can’t make an overwhelming feeling ‘go away,’ but you can lessen its intensity by making room for it. Start by naming it.”

4. They feel flawed

Adults who got yelled at a lot during children tend to feel flawed, like there’s something wrong with them that prevents them from being whole. The feeling of being flawed is rooted in shame, which holds people back from believing in their inherent ability to love and be loved.

Author and researcher Brené Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

“I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive,” Brown explains. “In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.”

Undoing a lifetime of feeling flawed takes commitment, yet that commitment ultimately proves that our imperfections are nothing to be ashamed of. When we own our imperfections, we claim our place in this imperfect world, which lets us love ourselves fully, the way we’re supposed to.

5. They’re perfectionists

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood hold tight to the belief that being perfect might protect them. More often than not, they were the target of their parents’ anger, but meeting expectations eased the vitriol long enough for them to catch their breath.

Growing up in a judgmental home paved the way for them to become high achievers. They learned to equate praise with acceptance and emotional support, which they only got if they performed perfectly. As kids, being perfect was a protective mechanism. It shielded them from getting yelled at, yet always aiming for perfection inevitably set them up to fail.

Psychologist Judith Tutin shares the dangers of being a perfectionist, noting that “self-criticism and shame go with the territory” of perfectionism.

“You think you’re imperfect, it’s your fault because you’re not good enough, and you’re a bad person,” she explains. “You avoid situations where you might make a mistake or misstep, so you never try anything new. You don’t let anyone know when you make a mistake because it would be too shameful.”

“Loving yourself with limits is the furthest thing from unconditional,” Tutin declares. “You are more than your wins. Failure makes us human, and talking about failure allows us to get the support we need and increases our empathy toward others.”

By prioritizing self-compassion, people can release that rigid mentality and live the messy, imperfect, nourishing life they deserve.

6. They’re conflict-avoidant

Another thing that happens to adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood is becoming conflict-avoidant. They bore the brunt of their family fights, so they made the decision to move in the opposite direction. Instead of confronting issues, they turn inward. They shut down whenever they’re faced with conflict, retreating into a place no one can reach.

While yelling is a toxic way to express uncomfortable emotions, going silent and avoiding can be toxic, too. Educator and coach Ann Papayoti offers guidance to conflict-avoidant people on how to talk about difficult topics, advising, “Get clear about what you want to say and achieve before you begin. Ground yourself. Remain positive and supportive, [and] ask questions.”

By initiating conversations “from a posture of positivity, a tone of compassion, and an intention of sincerity, you can turn a perceived difficulty into an opportunity to understand better and grow your relationships,” Papayoti concludes.

7. They have trust issues

Having residual trust issues is another thing that happens to adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood. They learned early on that they couldn’t rely on their primary relationship with their parents to provide comfort and security, since they were never sure when their parents’ rage would emerge. The inconsistency in their family made them wary of trusting people, which directly impacts their ability to have healthy adult relationships.

As coach Alex Mathers points out, consistent behavior breeds trust, while being inconsistent erodes it. “Consistent people instill more trust,” he explains. “When we continually fail to follow our words with actions, people — slowly but surely — begin to lose their faith in us.”

“Keeping your word is a crucial factor in fostering solid and reliable relationships,” Mathers concludes.

Adults who were yelled at a lot during childhood never felt like they were on solid ground with their parents, leading them to develop an insecure attachment style. Because they couldn’t fully trust their parents, they struggled to trust other people in their lives, a pattern that leaves them feeling lonely.

8. They’re scared of intimacy

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood avoid getting too close to anyone, even people they care deeply about because they’re scared of getting hurt. By shutting themselves off from being vulnerable, they build walls around their heart. These barriers are meant to protect them, but they also stop them from having strong, healthy relationships.

Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard outlined the reasons why allowing ourselves to be vulnerable makes our relationships with ourselves and others better. “While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help us weather the storms of life, they can also rob us of true intimacy,” she explains.

“Vulnerability in a relationship is the most important ingredient of having a trusting, intimate companion,” she continues. “Vulnerability helps us feel close and connected to our partner, yet achieve our sense of identity. “Being vulnerable allows us to open our hearts — to give and receive love fully.”

“All relationships present risks, they are risks worth taking,” Gaspard concludes. “The ultimate risk is allowing yourself to fall in love, which requires letting go of control and of the fear of being hurt or abandoned.”

9. They’re overachievers

Becoming an overachiever is something that happens to adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood. As kids, they equated their worth with their ability to work hard in school and receive academic accolades. After all, if they brought home straight As, their parents wouldn’t yell at them.

They hold onto their overachieving tendencies in adulthood, since holding themselves to impossibly high standards is a hard habit to break. They still define themselves by their productivity, which puts them on a direct path to extreme burnout.

As relationship coach Jordan Gray explains, “when you reach a point of extreme burnout, you’re there because you’ve been overriding your body’s message to slow down and rest for too long.”

He shares recovery techniques, starting with taking “an actual break to reset your nervous system.” Overworking drains “your metaphorical batteries” and the only solution is doing absolutely nothing to reset and recharge.

“For the type-A overachievers out there, doing ‘nothing’ might seem like too nebulous of a concept,” he points out, offering suggestions on how to decompress and do nothing, starting with immersing yourself in nature and watching the world around you. Look at water, any form of water. It doesn’t have to be as grand as the ocean, it can be a stream, a pond, or even the falling rain. Let its rhythm soothe your mind.

“Lie on your back on the ground and just breathe,” Gray suggests. “Take a nap whenever you feel called to nap.”

Healing from burnout requires you to care for yourself in ways no one else will, which is part of healing from a painful childhood.

10. They’re struggling with saying ‘no’

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood struggle with saying ‘no.’ They developed people-pleasing tendencies since meeting their parents’ needs was a way to protect themselves from emotional harm. They learned to put other people first and push their own needs away, which makes it hard for them to set limits and honour their own time.

Licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard describes people-pleasers as “People who go out of their way to make sure someone else is happy, to the detriment of their happiness. They seek approval from others due to unresolved issues with their parents.”

She touched on the origin point of people-pleasing, noting that “In many cases, individuals develop a pattern of putting other people’s needs before their own due to dysfunction in their family of origin.”

Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood prioritize the people around them. Their behaviour stems from a fear of rejection and desire for unconditional acceptance. They believe saying ‘yes’ to everyone allows them to avoid any kind of conflict, but their lack of boundaries sets them up to feel depleted and unfulfilled.

“You can learn to set healthy boundaries in relationships, and this will cause your sense of self to soar as you build self-respect,” Gaspard concludes. “You are worth the effort and deserve a freer, happier life.”