Why We Fear Happiness And How To Unlock Joy
People are packed like sardines in the small-town cafe, swaddled in puffy coats and knit scarves. The rain and crisp air have driven them inside for espresso, its aroma flavoring the air with caramel and smoke. Nestled in the corner of a worn leather couch, I watch my boyfriend buy us lattes in the weak autumn light. I’m newly in love and relishing my escape from the relentless summer sun. By all accounts, it’s an ideal situation and, reader, I am miserable.
“By all accounts, it’s an ideal situation and, reader, I am miserable.”
Shortly before that, I was thrilled — a more appropriate response, of course. But like countless times before that moment, my sharp uptick in joy led to an equally precipitous decline. It’s something I’ve come to refer to as the dooms. Sometimes it happens so quickly that I don’t realize I was happy. A darkness settles behind my eyes, hollowness tunnels in my chest, and my thoughts travel miles from the present.
“Like countless times before that moment, my sharp uptick in joy led to an equally precipitous decline. It’s something I’ve come to refer to as the dooms.”
That moment in the cafe happened last year, and I’m doing better now. (Shoutout to antidepressants!) But I still feel uneasy with happiness. When I occasionally mention this to others, I’m surprised by how many relate. Even folks who don’t share the same mental health diagnoses I do, like Chronic PTSD and Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), struggle to embrace joy.
I wanted to understand why, so I spoke with three brilliant professionals: Dr. Deborah Vinall, PsyD, LMFT and author of “Trauma Recovery Workbook for Teens”; Dr. Dinorah Nieves, behavioral scientist, counselor, and coach; and somatic trauma practitioner and educator Veronica Rottman. Each shared their insight on why happiness can be discomforting — and what to do about it.
What is cherophobia?
Cherophobia is not currently a diagnosable condition according to the DSM, the handbook of diagnosable mental conditions for American psychologists and psychiatrists, but you might recognize its appearance in your own life.
While it can sound funny — a phobia of cheeriness, really? — the term captures a behavior that is probably quite familiar. If you’ve ever opted out of a social event with loved ones or fumbled an opportunity related to your artistic or career pursuits then you’re already familiar with the concept. It can show up as certain kinds of perfectionism, superstitious beliefs, or even loneliness — and it might even be hard to recognize at first.
“While it can sound funny — a phobia of cheeriness, really? — the term captures a behavior that is probably quite familiar.”
Rather than thinking about cherophobia as experiencing fear in the face of a happy event, consider it more as a behavior that can creep up on you, causing you to avoid things that might actually make you feel better. This is one manifestation of an uneasiness with happiness, while others might have a strong negative reaction when joy and pleasant feelings arise.
Why can happiness make us uneasy?
There isn’t a simple answer to this question. That’s because you — you beautiful, unique human — are your own proprietary blend of experiences, genetics, socialization, hormones, and more. So if you have a hard time with happiness, there’s likely a complex cause.
“If you have a hard time with happiness, there’s likely a complex cause.”
Maybe you grew up in a society that characterized joy as selfish and you have a genetic predisposition toward certain mood disorders. Or perhaps you’re grappling with childhood trauma and a sensitivity to the fluctuations in your cycle. No two people are the same, and there are far more reasons folks struggle with joy than I can represent in this article.
That said, two things can factor into the equation for a lot of people: Complex trauma and societal conditioning. We’ll take a look at both.
A societal perspective
Have you ever placed a carnation in a glass of dye? The dye travels up the flower’s stem, tinting its pale petals a new hue. This process happens slowly. So slowly that if you were to sit and watch it, you might not notice a change. Socialization can work a lot like that. We don’t always recognize the gradual — and sometimes insidious — way it colors our thoughts.
Even the most independent among us are susceptible to this influence. We are biologically social, wired to take on the values, habits, and messages of the culture in which we live. It’s something that behavioral scientist Dr. Dinorah Nieves sees in her coaching practice with high achievers.
Many of us “are socialized into a meritocracy,” she says. “We are often conditioned to believe that we only deserve what we are willing to sweat, bleed, and cry to achieve.” This perspective naturally casts happiness in a bad light, she explains, because it implies that we’ve gotten what we desired — and therefore have stopped working to earn it. In a society that values work above all else, this can feel shameful.
“We are often conditioned to believe that we only deserve what we are willing to sweat, bleed, and cry to achieve.”
– Dr. Dinorah Nieves, behavioral scientist, counselor, and coach
Of course, that’s not a helpful way to look at things. “Productivity and inner peace are not mutually exclusive, regardless of what our ‘hard work’ culture would have us believe,” says Nieves. “It is important for people to feel productive,…confident in their ability to impact change, and…good about the work they have contributed,” she concedes. But the danger is in valuing this productivity over contentment.
This is a message, Nieves says, that women especially need to hear. Many she works with find that their happiness comes with a generous helping of guilt. Because women are generally taught to put others first, they equate their own pleasure with selfishness. They may even feel they’re letting down their loved ones when they experience joy.
So how do we start reframing our happiness? Nieves suggests taking a critical eye to cultural norms. Especially the idea that happiness is a monumental, effortful thing. “So many of us have attached the idea of happiness to some sort of event or accomplishment… so much so that we forget how accessible joy and happiness are in our boring moments…stable relationships…reliable realities, [and] the easy breaths we take.”
“So many of us have attached the idea of happiness to some sort of event or accomplishment… so much so that we forget how accessible joy and happiness are in our boring moments.”
Speaking of breathing, Nieves would also like us to do it more often. Many folks who struggle with happiness have a tendency to hold their breath… literally and emotionally. Stop waiting to breathe,” she implores. “Don’t wait until you’ve finished the sentence, or the project, or the fiscal year. Take deep breaths on a regular basis to help you stay centered in your moment-to-moment reality. That is where your joy resides.”
A complex trauma perspective
By now, you may have heard about C-PTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Though it was first posited in the eighties, it’s become a familiar term with the explosion of self-help resources on social media.
While PTSD typically results from a single traumatic event, C-PTSD arises from prolonged or repeated trauma, often leading to more pervasive emotional difficulties. Though both forms can cause discomfort with happiness, it’s especially likely with the latter.
This is because unresolved trauma can keep you mired in “hypervigilance, constantly on alert for signs of danger,” says Dr. Deborah Vinall, who specializes in trauma. When negative experiences have endowed you with a core belief like “bad things will always happen to me,” experiencing happiness can create cognitive dissonance. In other words, your experience of reality isn’t aligning with your worldview.
“When negative experiences have endowed you with a core belief like ‘bad things will always happen to me,’ experiencing happiness can create cognitive dissonance.”
The human brain, Vinall explains, is averse to this sensation. So “rather than work through these thought distortions to resolve them, we have a tendency to push away the new information that challenges the old,” she says. “Here, you reactively reject the experience of happiness rather than revise the pre-existing belief that you are someone who cannot or should not be happy.”
Being mindful of this pattern is an important first step, she says, and it’s essential for starting to heal. But sometimes you need to add more to your toolkit to see progress.
“Too many of us have subscribed to the myth that awareness is everything, and it’s really holding us back from not just happiness but our full range of lived experience,” muses somatic trauma practitioner, Veronica Rottman.
In fact, she says, self-awareness is often shame wrapped up in the guise of having things figured out. “But having it ‘figured outʼ through the habituated pattern of overthinking…prevents us from being truly happy,” she says. “There is a major difference between awareness of the patterns that prevent our happiness, versus actually feeling and digesting those patterns where they exist, in the body.”
“There is a major difference between awareness of the patterns that prevent our happiness, versus actually feeling and digesting those patterns where they exist, in the body.”
– Veronica Rottman, somatic trauma practioner
Like Nieves, Rottman emphasizes that women garner special consideration here. “A womenʼs nervous system has its own unique architecture that needs to be included in our approach to subconscious rewiring,” she tells me. “I teach women that the best somatic practice is embodying and honoring the nervous system shifts within their menstrual cycle, or whatever reproductive era of life that they’re in.”
While this seems intuitive, most women are conditioned to neglect their bodies’ natural fluctuations. “From a very young age we are taught to live in resistance to our own physiology so we can perform like the idealized male body, and we suffer greatly because of this,” Rottman reflects. “If you want to optimize your psycho-emotional and physical health, learn about your nervous systemʼs needs throughout your cycle, and every life cycle we move through.” Note that Rottman has some great resources on her website for this.
What to do next
Ready to start welcoming joy? Here are a few steps you might take:
Consider biological causes
For years, I did everything “right” to cultivate health and happiness, but I was deeply sad and anxious. Receiving a PMDD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, and concurrently getting on medication, gave me a fighting chance. Now I have the energy and focus to address my discomfort with happiness through therapy and other means.
Many other biological issues, like a hormone imbalance, for example, can make it hard to be happy no matter how hard you try. So rule those things out first! Some folks prefer to see a functional medicine doctor to suss out nuanced issues that affect their mood. For others, a conventional doctor is their preferred first step.
Be critical of culture
If we were fish, culture would be the water we swim in. In other words, we’re pretty anesthetized to it. What would happen if you started evaluating the messages you’re sent every day? Might that impact your concept of happiness, and whether you “deserve” it?
If you’re up for it, you could spend 10 minutes each week journaling about the content you consume, whether it’s television, social media, news articles, or something else. Reflect on the content’s intended message and audience, as well as what emotion(s) it’s aiming to evoke. Are there subtle biases or cultural beliefs being imparted? What, if anything, does it tell you about your right to happiness?
See a therapeutic professional
We’re social beings, so we heal best in relation to others. Working with a therapist — whether cognitive, somatic, or a combination — is an excellent way to do that.
Unsure which type of therapist to choose? Many offer free consultations to see if you’re a fit. But here’s a good rule of thumb: If you often find yourself saying you “don’t know why you feel” a certain way, a cognitive therapist may be a good first step. They can help you uncover your mental patterns.
Conversely, if you could practically give a keynote presentation on the sources of your distress, yet you still feel discontent, it may be time to work with a somatic experiencing professional.
Listen, If you and I were together right now, I would look you in the eye and tell you that you deserve full-bodied, unabashed joy. But if you felt a twinge in your gut when you read that, you’re not alone. Many people are where you are right now, and just as many are no longer there. A better relationship with happiness is possible, so let’s take a deep breath and get started.