Why Friendship “Breakups” May Be Necessary

Friendships come and go. They can fade for many reasons, from drifting apart unintentionally, holding conflicting beliefs, or having blurred lines amongst common social circles.

One thing that should remain true for all of us is only to keep those in your life who can help you be the best version of yourself. Someone who may have been an excellent friend at one point may not serve the present version of you. While it may not be anyone’s fault, the “breakup” may be necessary for both parties.

I have witnessed some friendships end based on opposing political views. I’ve also seen friends call it quits because of unequal effort being put into the friendship. Some even ended their friendship when one friend chose to prioritize their romantic relationship, causing a divide.

I have always given people 100% of my trust at the jump until they do something to jeopardize that.
Coming from a smaller (and much more complicated) family dynamic, I have always relied heavily on my friendships. I would give many friends the clothes off my back and be their greatest supporter behind any ventures. I’ve also spent most of my early adult life being entirely too forgiving and “soft,” even when friends betrayed my trust.

I can’t pinpoint one particular moment in time when I decided to start maintaining only mutually respectful relationships in which both parties felt supported and loved, but it more than likely came after I left my last emotionally abusive relationship. They say you often build the best version of yourself after scraping your fragmented pieces off of the ground and rebuilding. I often relate this to the Japanese art form of kintsugi.

“Kintsugi is a Japanese art in which broken ceramics and pottery are fixed with resin and powdered gold dating back to the 15th century. It is the process of taking something that is broken and, to many, now worthless and transforming it into a work of art. It is both beautiful and broken.”

My first significant friend breakup was someone I had called a best friend for years.
I initiated most of our interactions when I moved from New York to South Carolina. However, the conversations diminished significantly. When we did speak, it became evident that her interest in my life was minimal at best. Yet, old Theresa, the people-pleaser, kept the friendship going.

Years later, I was engaged and really wanted this friend at my wedding. I knew traveling as a single mother would take a lot of moving parts and planning, so I provided ample notice. This friend then chose not to come, saying the process was too complicated. Yet, from afar, I watched her travel to Florida (which was significantly further) multiple times before my wedding. Alas, the final straw had been laid, and I cut ties. Her lack of effort to preserve the friendship and, more so, how little she was emotionally impacted was the final proof I needed.

I now only pour into the cups of those who pour into mine. I support those who stand up for me. Life and the friendships around me are on a beautiful Kintsugi platter, serving the best for all involved.

Have you had a friendship that no longer served you that you’ve cut off? What did you learn from the experience? Let us know in the comments below!