What I Wish I Could Tell My Ex Best Friend

I just wanted to start off by saying I miss you. I miss telling you about my life and hearing about yours. I miss our sleepovers and our party nights. I miss our conversations about boys and then realizing how much we hate them. Simply put,

I really miss you.

I know you don’t like me that much anymore and that you probably think I want something because I’m trying to talk to you and you’re right. I do want something from you. I want our friendship back. I know what I said totally came out wrong and I hope you know that I honestly didn’t mean it. Yes, I said it but only because I was angry with myself and you cared so much that I pushed you away so I didn’t have to talk about my problems. It was who I was then but I want you to know I’ve come to realize how stupid of me it was to do that. I didn’t think I would lose you, I thought you’d be mad and realize I didn’t want to talk about the issue but I never expected this. I just wish I didn’t take my anger out on you because maybe things could be different today.

After I had said what I said, I started to see where you were coming from. I started to see how my words hurt you and, if I’m being honest, I didn’t know how to take them back. The only thing I could think about was leaving. I thought leaving was the best thing I could do for the both of us. I thought distancing myself would do the trick and it may have for you but it didn’t for me. I thought distancing myself from my best friend would allow me not to deal with my issues; I thought it would give me the ability to disconnect – disconnect from those around me who knew the reality of what I do when I am angry or just plain upset with life.

I guess this is more of an apology than anything else. I just want you to know how sorry I really am. How sorry I am for hurting you and losing our friendship. I just need you to know how much I didn’t mean it. And I’m sorry it took so long for this letter to come out but I just didn’t know how to put this message together.

I am happy that you have found new friends and a new best friend because you deserve to be happy, to have fun, and be loved. You deserve to live in a carefree world with those who can open up to you as you can to them.

I know you’re thinking, “wow this b*tchh, she thinks she can just come back into my life after being out of it for six months.” I don’t think that. I know you have new friends and don’t need me anymore. I know you’re happy so I don’t want to ruin that, I just need to say two final things.

First off, I’m sorry… not that you haven’t heard it enough. I truly am from the bottom of my heart, sorry. I just hope you can understand that I do mean it.

Secondly, I love you. Even though we’re not best friends anymore I still consider you to be a very close friend; you always will be. I want you to know that no matter what curve balls come your way that you can always come and talk to me if you need someone to listen. Just know I’m always here for you.

XoXo

Ash