What I Learned From My Affair With A Married Man

Having an affair with a married man may not be ideal but it can also be a learning experience.

Here are six things I learned about myself as the other woman:

1. I am not here to attach myself to another person.

I am not living through and wrapping myself around their problems, or trying to “save” somebody ill. I am not here to be them. I’m here to be me.

I am not here to use this escape route to avoid Number Three. I am not here to use saving someone as a shortcut to self-worth or happiness.

I am not here to trade saving someone for anything I’m supposed to provide for myself, especially the things I’m afraid I’m not good enough to achieve.

2. Each person is responsible for healing themselves.

I can’t reach into my married ex-boyfriend’s head or my mother’s head, no matter how much their pain moves me, how sorry I feel for them, how much I wish their lives could be different, what I read, what I know, what worked for me, or how much I think they should do whatever worked for me.

Their salvation is their own learning. It takes place in their heads. Therefore, they are the ones who have to reach it. I am not God and I can make no one else do anything.

3. I am here for self-development.

All I’m supposed to do on this planet is to become self-supporting, self-sufficient, and self-responsible. That means that money, health, happiness, and meaning in my life come from me — all me and only me.

I’m supposed to develop my own talents and my own self-belief and self-worth, nobody else’s.

4. I am here to evolve to take the best care of myself.

I am here to become perfectly okay all in myself. I am here to believe in myself and to learn to joyfully do what I do best.

It will be whatever it is and that’s good enough. Period. Whether I have anyone to share my life with or not.

5. I do not need anybody else’s anything.

Ever.

6. I am okay being alone.

After a certain age, many of us women are alone. If I never find anyone else to be with, it’s my job to be okay with that.

What have I learned about having an affair?

Attractions between the people already involved in relationships and people who are not a part of the existing relationship are there to show us something.

Therefore, simplistic moral answers, although they may be reflective of the insight we need, aren’t the answers themselves.

If we concentrate only on strict moral rules and on how bad we are for wanting to be with a “forbidden” person instead of looking for our own answers, we might miss something important.

What we should concentrate on is the spirit of any moral rules we or others are reacting to, not their literal syntax or the threat of spiritual punishment.

Every affair situation is different. All three people bear responsibility. An affair is always symbolic of what needs to be developed in our lives and when we look for that, we’re on the right track.

Psychology and astrology can be helpful shortcuts to some answers we need —​ they’re worth a look if you’re struggling.

Affairs start in childhood. Most adult relationship problems do.

Therefore, if you are struggling with affair-related issues, go back to your childhood. You could probably use professional assistance to do this.