Has your roommate ever left the dishwasher off because she “doesn’t know how to do it the right way”? Or has your sibling refused to take care of the dog because “you do it so much better”?
Or has your partner made a mess while trying to complete a simple task, making it easier for you to do it yourself rather than ask for help? These are common examples of learned helplessness. Here is how to recognize it and what to do about it:
What is learned helplessness?
Learned helplessness is a term used to describe behavior in humans (and other animals) after receiving negative reactions when trying to complete a task. For example, your mother yelled at you every time you loaded the dishwasher when you were a kid, so now, as an adult, you feel as though you could never do it right, and there is no point in trying.
Is learned helplessness more common in men?
It is not uncommon to hear women complain about their male counterparts’ inability to complete basic household tasks. While this is partially due to societal expectations that women do housework, so men do not have to learn, it can also be a sign of learned helplessness. Studies have found that men and women respond to learned helplessness very differently. On average, more women were able to break the cycle and escape the stress associated with certain tasks. This could be because women are biologically more capable of regulating their emotions (designed to help with the aftermath of birth).
Why does learned helplessness occur?
Many studies link learned helplessness to depression in adults. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough to do this, other people do this so much better, I can’t do anything right” can bleed into tasks as simple as folding laundry. Many studies find that learned helplessness is a coping mechanism for trauma. If, as a child, they attempted to learn something and did so “the wrong way,” they were punished rather than being taught the correct method. Rather than rebuilding the proper skills, the individual often shuts down as a coping mechanism.
What to do when you encounter learned helplessness?
If you find yourself struggling with learned helplessness, cognitive therapy and self-care strategies can help. Teach yourself that it is okay to try and fail. Failing is part of learning. If you have a partner, a friend, or anyone you know who has these symptoms, reach out to them. Let them know you are there to support and help them. Emphasize that they won’t get in trouble for doing something wrong.
Learned helplessness can be mind-bogglingly irritating, especially if you are the competent person in the relationship. But it’s also a scary situation for someone with learned helplessness. It takes patience from both parties to resolve the situation. The most important things to remember are patience and kindness toward yourself and others.
