The holiday season of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa can be filled with a lot of tasks: planning family gatherings, attending social obligations, confirming travel reservations, and, of course, the expectation of purchasing and receiving gifts.
While it is true that a gift can serve as an expression of love, many times it is bought in haste, along with so many other items on the checklist. This can then be felt as less meaningful to the partner who is the receiver, and does very little to provide emotional, romantic, and erotic growth to the relationship.
Research shows that gifts aren’t just a tradition; they’re also powerful tools to help couples reconnect, show love, and strengthen closeness. Here are three frameworks to help spouses and partners buy a more emotionally attuned gift for their partner this holiday season.
Tip 1: Gift Giving May Be More Effective Than Speech
In a 2024 study in the Journal of Consumer Psychology, Howe, Wiener, and Chartrand found that receiving a small, thoughtful gift was sometimes more effective than a supportive conversation. The participants who received a gift from a loved one reported stronger feelings of being cared for, valued, and emotionally satisfied than those who were simply told kind words. This also aligns with research connected to the Five Love Languages framework. A 2024 study by Impett et al. showed that when people rated each love language separately, more than 50 percent showed that gifts were one of the most meaningful ways they feel loved.
Additionally discussed by Howe, Wiener, and Chartrand was how crucial it was for the gift to be given intentionally and with the receiver in mind for it to hold such significance. The study specifies that this gift does not have to be something large or expensive; it can be as simple as a scented candle. A carefully chosen gift can reinforce one’s partner’s emotional presence and commitment.
Tip 2: Experiences or Objects? Both Can Work if They Include Personal Meaning
When it comes to gift-giving, experiences are rising in popularity, and there is a reason for it. In a Journal of Consumer Research paper by Chan and Mogilner (2016), experiential gifts such as date nights, games, and trips are reported by participants as more effective than receiving objects due to the shared memories the experiences created for the participants. These shared meaningful experiences deepened the relationship in a stronger way than did material gifts.
A client described how she created a scavenger hunt around the apartment she shared with her boyfriend, as she knew he loved this game. It ended with a gift card for a private session at a local karaoke bar he loved to go to with their friends. However, this same study also emphasized that emotionally evocative material gifts can also be powerful. These material gifts would include objects with meaning that carried an emotional resonance. When a client had a unique cake from a specific region of Italy delivered to his boyfriend as a holiday gift, his partner was so moved, as they had initially tasted it together on their romantic vacation the summer before.
Newer research reinforces the benefits of experiential gifts. Across three different recent experiments led by Puente-Díaz and Cavazos-Arroyo with college-aged students, the researchers found that experiential gifts (like events, activities, or shared experiences) make people feel more autonomy support than material gifts. Autonomy support is defined as the feeling by the recipient that their gift feels like it aligns with their particular preferences, individuality, and, in essence, “fits who they are.” Thoughtfully chosen experiential gifts evoke stronger feelings of being understood, respected, and valued.
This can readily be seen when the experience is actually not something the giver is that into, so in essence, the gift is very clearly a scenario that is solely for the pleasure of the receiver. A clinical example occurred when a wife relayed how she booked a reservation for an all-day spa day for her husband and her, despite the fact that she had never really been a huge fan of saunas and jacuzzis. She purchased it and took a day off work because she knew how much pleasure he’d get from not only the spa but the fact that she took the time and was there, sharing the experience with him.
In short, the intention, the alignment, and the sharing of the experiential gift to the receiver resonated even more deeply than solely the gift itself. So whether an object-gift is a book the giver knows their partner will love, a bottle of sensual massage oil with an invitation to an intimacy date written on a heart-shaped, homemade card, or an experiential gift of an intimate relationship card game, intentional objects and experiential gifts like these have both been shown to be felt as more meaningful by the receiver than a costly but impersonal gift.
Tip 3: Gifts Are Relationship Wellness Experiences, Not a Holiday Duty
What also makes gifts so powerful is their ability to express nonverbal, loving communication and to tend to the wellness of one’s relationship. They can express care, support, validation, and playful passion, feelings that become even more valuable when so much of the verbal communication during the season gets drowned out by the noise of holiday logistics and planning.
Gift giving is a way to enliven the erotic, romantic, and sexual energy of a relationship through the surprise and novelty of the gift, which are keys to the emotional and sexual wellness of every relationship. Rather than viewing gift-giving as a duty, expanding the concept of experiential and meaningful gifts is a critical strengthening practice for any relationship. Over time, these small gestures of attention and bonding can grow a couple’s foundation beyond trust, emotional safety, and openness to inspire spontaneity, flirtation, and sexual excitement.
