The Weight of Loss – Grieving in a World that Moves On
On Tuesday, July 16, 2024, I lost my mum (my aunt who had taken care of me since I was four years old). She was my second mother, my confidante and my pillar of strength. Her passing felt both confusing and heavy on my heart, as it was my first experience with the death of someone close to me.
Honestly, I struggled to hold onto my bubbly, loud and carefree self. To manage my emotions and not show how broken her death had left me, I found creative ways to channel my grief. I began mobilizing funds to buy desks for two schools together with the Girls Goal Getters (GGG) Team and assumed a self-imposed PR role to draw attention to a fund-raising project by four priests for the Catholic Youth Centre in Ghana. I was mourning but I had to “maintain my steeze.”
During this time, I realized how much I disliked hearing the words “My condolences.” To avoid that and the “unnecessary” attention and sympathy that came with it, I only shared the news with a few close friends. Navigating this period of grief was incredibly challenging, and as someone who had come to love journaling, I recognized the need to express my thoughts and feelings on paper.
Grief vs. Grieve
As I began writing this article, I found myself wrestling with the distinction between “grief” and “grieve.” So, I did a quick Google search and got quite a few responses. The first thing to know is that Grief is a noun while Grieve is a verb. “Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something that’s important to you.” While Grieve is, “the process of coming to terms with the loss” or “to feel or express grief or to mourn”. Did this clarify my confusion? No please so if you find me using them interchangeably, kindly pardon me.
Stages of grief
In 1969 a psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced a framework or stages for understanding the emotional journey people experience after a loss. These stages are commonly abbreviated as DABDA – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
Because my brother was in school when my aunt fell ill and passed away, he was in a state of denial after hearing the news of her death. It wasn’t until he saw her laid in state that he finally accepted she was gone. During the bargaining stage, people might start thinking of how things might have turned out differently if they had money to take their relative to the hospital early, or if they had at least called them the last time when they thought of them. It is usually a stage of regrets and a lot of “WHAT IF questions”.
The depression stage can be extremely challenging, and if not handled carefully, can be difficult to overcome. During this time, a person may struggle to concentrate at work, lose their appetite, or have trouble sleeping. They may also avoid social interactions and prefer to be alone. In the acceptance stage, however, they start to come to terms with their loss and slowly begin adjusting to life without their loved one. People move through these stages in different ways. Some may experience them in a different order, or even go through more than one stage at the same time.
Loss of a colleague
Grief in the workplace is often a silent struggle, especially after the loss of a colleague. The death of a coworker can leave a lasting impact on the emotional and psychological well-being of staff, as they grapple with the reality of losing someone they worked closely with. The empty desk, not hearing their usual laughter and silly comments, and their absence from meetings serve as constant reminders of a life cut short. It’s a delicate balance that can leave many feeling overwhelmed.
Some forward-thinking institutions, like Bank of Africa, recognize the profound impact of such losses and provide psychological support for their Staff when a Staff dies. These organizations understand that healing is a process that requires time, understanding, and professional guidance. By offering counseling services and creating safe spaces for employees to express their grief, they demonstrate a commitment to their staff’s mental health and well-being.
However, how many institutions truly offer this level of support? Often, the visible signs of grief are limited to the use of red cloth hung around the premises to signify the loss of a colleague. But beyond these symbolic gestures, what else is being done to help employees who may be deeply affected by the loss?
Many workplaces do not have policies or support systems in place to help staff cope with grief, leaving them to silently battle their emotions while continuing to meet work demands. This raises concerns about the emotional toll on employees and whether enough is being done to truly support their mental well-being during such difficult times.
Balancing Work and Grief After a Personal Loss
The loss of a family member or someone close to a staff member can have a profound impact on their work performance and emotional well-being.
Some organizations have recognized this reality and introduced what they call compassionate leave policies, allowing staff time to mourn and handle funeral arrangements for close family members. This leave is different from your annual leave entitlement. However, these policies often fall short in recognizing the complex web of relationships that make up our support systems. Often, this leave is limited to the death of a spouse, child(ren), parents, siblings. Considering my experience of losing my aunt and despite the deep personal connection, I felt such a loss did not qualify for compassionate leave. Maybe, if I had requested for that, I could have been considered.
I found myself caught between my need to grieve and my professional obligations. I had no choice but to push through, coming to work every day as if everything was fine. But, behind the scenes, the emotional roller coaster was overwhelming – sleepless nights, countless tears in the office washroom and in my car at the parking lot, and the constant struggle to hold it together while at my desk. While I tried to occupy myself with work to avoid breaking down, the pressures from planning her funeral and dealing with family matters made everything even harder.
Unfortunately, for many employees in similar situations, the only option is to take their annual leave to process their emotions, or to simply carry on without a break. In some companies, the decision to grant compassionate leave is left to management’s discretion. The system often forces people to continue working while masking their pain, which can ultimately affect both their mental health and their performance at work.
Compassionate leave should be more inclusive and accessible, giving everyone the space to properly grieve and recover before returning to their responsibilities. Perhaps this could be considered under Ghana’s labour laws, expanding the leave provisions beyond the current annual, maternity, and in some cases paternity leaves. Implementing additional leave options could better serve the diverse needs of our workforce.
Family Grief
Grieving within the family after a loss can be an isolating experience. Everyone copes with grief in their own way, and sometimes, amid it all, no one asks if you’re okay. When I lost my aunt, not a single sibling, aunt, or uncle, asked me how I was really faring and coping with the loss. Likewise, I never reached out to check on anyone. We grieved in our separate spaces, only coming together to discuss funeral preparations. There wasn’t much emotional support for each other during this time. It felt like we were all dealing with the loss alone, in our own way.
However, one thing I appreciated during the process was the freedom to express our grief. Nobody told us not to cry, not even the men. The women wailed, and so did the men, without anyone being shamed or told to hold back their tears. The usual “berma ensu” (a man doesn’t cry) sentiment wasn’t present, and it was a refreshing change.
It allowed everyone, regardless of gender, to release their pain in whatever way they wanted to. I believe this is something that should be encouraged more in our culture—the idea that men, too, should be allowed to grieve openly without judgment.
That said, while it’s important to allow everyone the space to grieve in their own way, I think we also need to be brave enough to check in on each other. If someone had asked me how I was doing, I believe I might have felt a bit better. And if I had taken the initiative to check in on others, perhaps I could have provided some comfort. Grief can be overwhelming, but a little support from family members, even if it’s just a simple “Are you okay?” can make a huge difference in the healing process.
Coping after a loss
When I lost my aunt, I found comfort in journaling. Writing down my thoughts helped me process the pain in a way that conversations couldn’t. Each day, I would sit and pour out my emotions – the sadness, the memories, my wishes and the unanswered questions etc. Journaling allowed me to express my grief without fear of judgment, giving me a safe space to be honest, reflect and heal. It didn’t take the pain away, but it helped me make sense of my feelings.
You can give that a try. You can write letters to your dead relative or friend or colleague expressing your love for them, how you miss them, how their absence is affecting you, how you are coping without them, how your day is going and even write gossip you would have shared with them. It might sound insane, but it can be therapeutic.
Cry! Cry! Cry! Crying is a powerful and essential part of the grieving process. People might think you’re exaggerating or being dramatic, but please, cry if you feel the need to. When my cousin broke the news about my aunt’s death, I didn’t shed a tear. All I could do was keep asking myself why she had to leave me so suddenly. When I got to work that morning, I shared the news with a close friend and, her immediate reaction was, “What are you doing at work?”
“Why are you not even crying?” In the moments when I finally allowed myself to cry freely, whether alone in my room or with close family and friends, I experienced a great sense of relief. It was as if crying opened a valve, releasing the pressure that had built up inside me. Yes, it was exhausting, but also strangely cleansing. With each tear that fell, I felt a little lighter. I came to understand that crying wasn’t a sign of weakness, but a journey towards comfort and inner peace.
Talking to someone during the grieving process is crucial for healing. Whether it’s a psychologist, a Priest/Pastor, or a close friend, having a safe space to share feelings can help alleviate the burden of grief. A trained professional can offer coping strategies and help you navigate through this difficult journey.
Burying a loved one promptly can indeed be a crucial step in the healing process. My experience with my aunt’s funeral deeply reinforced this idea. The day we laid her to rest, I felt an unexpected sense of relief. It was as if her spirit could finally find peace, and the “Rest in Peace” we often say took on a profound meaning.
Prolonged periods between the death and burial, can unnecessarily extend the grieving process. The act of burial provides a sense of closure. Holding onto a body for too long, especially while looking for money to give a “befitting burial” or family disputes over ownership, can prolong the grief and complicate the healing process
While many might suggest prayer as the first step in grieving, I’ve chosen to mention it last – not because it’s the least important, but because it is a very powerful and ongoing source of comfort throughout the entire process. Regardless of your spiritual belief, turning to prayer or meditation can provide solace and strength during this period.
As a Catholic, I found peace in praying for the repose of my aunt’s soul. But even for those who aren’t religious, the act of quiet reflection or sending positive thoughts can be soothing. Prayer, in whatever form resonates with you, is a personal and often profound way one can connect to something greater than them for comfort and healing.
Time Heals
If you’ve lost a loved one, please accept my heartfelt condolences (even though I dislike hearing that myself). Grieving can be challenging and confusing but remember that it’s a journey. The whole world might have moved on without you but give yourself time. You will be fine. One of my favorite sayings during these challenging moments has been, “They say time heals, so I guess we will have to wait for that time.”
Portia Mawufemor Anani, Project Manager
Bank of Africa
Email address:Portiamawu2@gmail.com
LinkedIn: Portia Anani
Facebook: Adwo Mawufemor