The Science Behind Sexual And Romantic Attraction

I’ve never been shy about romance or sex. But I’ve sometimes found it difficult to distinguish between the two. For example, when I first met my future husband, I saw before me a potentially bombastic sexual encounter, whereas he saw the beginning of a long-term romance.

He might have drifted off into the world, never to be seen again, had he not modeled the gentle persistence of a door-to-door salesman coupled with the patience of Job.

So, I’d like to talk about sexual vs. romantic attraction, examining some of the science and the hormonal influences that determine the attraction’s nature. It may not clear up all your confusio, but at least you’ll be aware of the biologically-based processes involved in the two types of attraction.

Adolescent Sexuality
Adolescent sexuality can clarify the question of sexual vs. romantic attraction in surprising ways. A 2021 study into adolescent sexual experiences and the level of sexual pleasure derived from them reveals what young people want from sex. And it’s very different from what you’d think.

Adolescents involved in the study derived less pleasure from sex involving the genitals than they did from cuddling. Even orgasm took a back seat to the feeling of being wanted and the emotional intimacy of other behaviors in the sexual matrix (primarily non-genital). I know that leaving the comfort of family for the world can be scary because, like you, I’ve done it. And this truth factors into adolescent sexuality as the event horizon of adulthood nears. Adolescence is childhood’s last hurrah.

The data from this study provides crucial clues about the difference between sexual vs. romantic attraction. The preference of younger people for experiences that gave them a sense of feeling loved by another were more sexually (not emotionally) satisfying for adolescents. The youth in this study overwhelmingly sought the security of romantic attraction, revealing something important about romance: that it’s as primal as sexuality.

The Romance Hormones
Oxytocin is known as the “love” hormone. But have you heard of vasopressin? Both these hormones play starring roles in pregnancy and early childcare. While oxytocin is released during sex, when released in tandem with vasopressin, the urge to merge is on an entirely different level, as vasopressin influences the development of enduring relationships.

Vasopressin may be the reason the intensity of sex waxes and wanes in relationships as they continue. Early romantic love is associated with anxiety and uncertainty, causing the “stress” hormone cortisol to be released in abundance, a chemical consequence of falling in love resolved by the foundation of a long-term relationship.

A 2011 study conducted at Stony Brook University concluded that long-term love results in unaltered dopamine levels, without the intensity – or the cortisol – of love’s early stages. So, the next time your eyes meet those of a stranger across a crowded room, remember that your body will probably know before you do if the attraction is sexual or romantic, even if it takes you – like me – a minute to figure that out.

With time, I came to understand that my initial attraction to the man who would become my husband was confused by the very fact that dopamine is in play in both types of attraction – sexual and romantic. While I experienced a strong sexual attraction to my husband, it was part of something bigger – something I was perhaps not ready to accept in my hormonally-driven lust. But yes. The dopamine’s still there, years later, causing my stomach to flutter when he walks in the room.

You Can’t Hurry Love!
Because of the confusion about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction, many of us rush into partnerships that were never meant to be. I was quite the opposite, allowing my sexual agenda to blind me to the romance brewing between me and my future husband.

Without the lusty pursuit of sex, mating selection would be a simple matter of pairing with the nearest available human. But sex has allowed humanity to “go shopping” for a mate since time immemorial. Because I let romance take a back seat to my sexual agenda when I met my husband, I might have missed out on one of life’s great experiences: long-term love. But he stuck around, and I figured it out. He didn’t hurry. He waited until the lust haze cleared from my eyes. So, take your time. You can’t hurry love, and you can’t ignore chemistry.