The Friend Who Was On My Side, Even When I Was Wrong
Taylor Swift once sang, “I knew you were on my side, even when I was wrong.” While I don’t listen to much of Swift’s music, I know exactly what she means. I was lucky enough to make a friend who always stuck by me.
That’s not to say that staying on my side was easy. In my 34 years, I’ve made many bad decisions:
- I’ve befriended disturbed young adults and tried to save them at my own cost.
- I’ve engaged in 15 years worth of eating disorder behaviors.
- I pushed my body past its limits, leading to broken bones and major surgeries.
- I’ve taken medications without reading the directions.
- I’ve rejected help for my eating disorder when I’ve seriously struggled with my symptoms.
- I’ve said “yes” when I meant “no.”
- I’ve eaten foods that my body can’t digest because I miss them, which has made me extremely sick.
Sometimes I even hear a little voice in my head saying “Hey! Dumbo! What’s your next bad decision gonna be?”
But then, I remember the friend who loved me through every wrong choice I’ve made.
The beauty of this particular friend’s attitude is that she never judged my choices, no matter how “dumb” they seemed. She shared her opinions about my actions — but only in terms of how they hurt me.
This friend is no longer in this realm of life, and I miss her daily.
She was my buddy in eating disorder treatment. We ended up together in the same Colorado recovery center four times, for many months on end. We both hated it, and we bonded over our mutual hate for this place that felt like a prison.
Honestly, my friend and I jointly made many poor decisions that got us in trouble and added weeks to our hospitalizations. But every time I walked through those glass doors, she showed that she remained on my side with her lovingly sardonic comments. I still miss her telling me that I “look like sh*t” every time I returned to treatment with her. That was her way of saying how much she cared about me.
Her honesty in the face of my eating disorder showed that my friend would always be there for me.
I was wrong countless times, but unlike most people, she had the guts to tell me every time that she saw me go down a dangerous path. She worried about me, but she never talked about me behind my back.
In 2020, my friend tragically passed away due to the damage that her eating disorder inflicted on her body. Her sudden passing was shocking because prior to her death, she fully recovered from her eating disorder and lived an amazing life.
Some days, I wish that my buddy were here to give me a reality check. I can picture her looking me over and saying “Dude, what the hell have you done? Did you decide you’re an alien who no longer eats?” referring to my inability to eat by mouth.
This week, I connected with my friend on a spiritual journey, and I feel at peace. Now my friend is always on my side as a guardian angel. I thought that I lost that friend when she passed, but she truly became a soul guide and a beacon of light.