Teenager Dilemma

Though the teen years can be fun, parenting teens can be a struggle because of their physical, emotional and social changes.

During these years (13-19), parents have to deal with members of the family who are neither children nor adults. It is important to understand the intricacies of this period of transition in order to offer the right support.

Parenting teenagers is a big deal because it can involve a lot of power struggles that can upset both parties, sometimes straining the relationship.

The teenage dilemma starts when a pleasant, compliant and affectionate child suddenly becomes difficult and defensive, leaving everyone wondering what happened.

Puberty presents them with rapid growth in height and weight, sexual organs develop and the body produces sexual hormones. These changes are responsible for teenagers’ behaviour and attitude, including mood swings. This can be confusing and sometimes concerning for both parents and their teenagers.

Changes in the brain

Within the brain also, changes occur throughout the period. This is characterised by the breaking and forming of new connections and pathways.

These changes manifest as an inability to recognise the emotions of others. There is a part of the brain that does not mature until one is in their mid-twenties. Till it matures, adolescents are unable to assess the consequences of their actions realistically. Thus, they tend to get involved in high-risk behaviour.

During this period, teenagers begin to seek their individual identity. They face pressure to make decisions around relationships, lifestyles, behaviours, tastes, etc.

They tend to feel more anxious and stressed when the family dynamics give no room for their growth and individuation. They also begin to examine family values and ethics, in the light of their own likes, dislikes and choices.

They may appear rebellious when they start pushing the boundaries. They may sound like they know it all. Their insecurity makes them defensive.

The need to protect their forming identity can be likened to the normal need of an animal to protect its territory. This is where all the arguments begin. Parents must not take things personally at all.

Teenagers become self-conscious and can spend a lot of time preparing the face, hair, body, nails, etc. for an appearance. They worry a lot about fitting in and become so concerned about what others think of them.

There is no end to the comparisons with their peers. There is pressure to conform and be like everyone. Parents have a responsibility to guide their children along open communication lines.

Support/Conflicts

Parents and caregivers who do not understand this stage are unable to offer meaningful support. There are unnecessary conflicts that even upset teenagers more. Some frustrated caregivers end up raining insults on them continually, making negative pronouncements to the extent of even cursing their own children.

This is what drives the teenagers straight into the arms of other people (real or virtual) who have gained their trust because they listen to them and show more interest in their well-being.

Listening is a very important skill that many parents struggle to develop for their teenagers because they may be irritated by the child’s belief that he/she has all the answers and parents have none.

Talking over them, arguing with them and brushing their views aside may make them feel slighted and rejected. They may keep to themselves and never open up for input over time.

Like everyone else, they need to feel valued and cared for even when they err. We must look for the best in everything they do and shower them with positive words.

Raising difficult issues (such as sexuality) with teenagers can make them feel safe and less anxious. It tends to be easier for them to make decisions around such subjects consequently.