Psychology Says There’s 4 Questions You Must Ask Before Making Any Hard Decision

Don’t make a rash decision about a hard situation before asking yourself these questions.

If you’ve ever been stuck in a hard place, wondering about the right thing or the best thing to do, it helps to shift perspectives.

I’m especially talking to those who have a hard time taking care of themselves, like young women who devote their time to tiny people with tiny needs and feel a real loss of identity.

It can be hard to know the best thing to do for you, outside of your responsibilities as a wife and mother.

And by you, I mean me, because this has pretty much been my life lately. Wrestling with hard decisions, trying to find my own needs, and defining my boundaries in marriage and life.

These all require me to look at my life from a zoomed-out lens — you know, the whole forest-for-the-trees thing.

Here are the four questions you must ask before making any hard decision:

1. What advice would I give to someone I love?

In an ideal world of healthy minds and open hearts, we would love ourselves as much as we love our children and our husbands. But if the self-love stuff feels counter-intuitive, try looking at the situations from a different view:

What if someone I love was in this situation — like my sister, my best friend, or my mother? Would I want that person to be in this situation? What advice would I have for her?

2. What would I want my children to do?

For me, it’s especially obvious when I look through a motherly lens. My son is watching me, absorbing my behaviours and choices as his “normal” programming.  Asking yourself what you would want your children to do before making a difficult decision is rooted in the idea of a moral compass or higher self. By doing so, you tap into a more altruistic and ethical perspective to guide your choice.

A 2019 study published in Contemporary Educational Psychology found that you often prioritize values like integrity, kindness, and long-term well-being that you want to instil in your children.

What kind of example do I want to set? What would I want my son to do in this situation? When I can think, “What would I want Noah to do?” I can see how to practice what I preach and be my best self.

3. If I were the lead character in a story, what would that character do?

Be the hero. If your life was a book or movie, and you were watching it play out as an observer, what would your character do next? Your life is a mess and you’ve been sideswiped by challenges and obstacles (like pretty much any character) — so now what?

Asking yourself this question encourages you to actively consider the potential consequences of your choice from a different perspective. This allows for a more nuanced evaluation of the situation and potentially leads to a more thoughtful decision, especially when facing morally ambiguous situations. New research concluded this technique can provide a structured way to think through complex choices by forcing you to consider your character’s motivations, goals, and potential outcomes.

What makes a better story? A story you’d be proud to tell others? What would the heroine — a strong, brave, interesting heroine — do in your situation? What’s the next chapter?

4. Are you making this choice out of love or fear?

Dig. Analyze. The answer might surprise you.

When you ask yourself if a decision is based on love or fear, you’re trying to identify whether your choice is driven by positive, growth-oriented motivations or anxieties, insecurities, and the desire to avoid potential adverse outcomes.

2021 research found this is a key psychological approach to making conscious decisions and understanding the underlying emotions guiding your choices.

Are you focused on what you’ll gain or what you’ll lose?

Are you motivated by inspiration of possibilities or by fear of the unknown?

Fear of change? Fear of failure? Are you staying in a relationship out of love for your partner/child/self or for fear of letting go? (This is a good question to ask in quiet meditation.)

Love moves us forward and fills up our hearts. Fear keeps us stagnant and unhappy.

That’s not to say these questions make the hard choices easy or that we’ll immediately know what to do. But by ever-so-slightly shifting our perspectives, we can start moving in one direction or the other.

Michelle Horton is a writer and advocate. Through the Nicole Addimando Community Defense Committee, she speaks out for her sister and the countless other victims of domestic violence criminalized for their acts of survival.

She’s the author of Dear Sister: A Memoir of Secrets, Survival, and Unbreakable Bonds.