Is competition a problem in middle-class friendships?

All social classes can experience competitive friendships, as Festinger (1954) first proposed in his Social Comparison Theory, which suggests that people have an innate drive to assess themselves by comparing with others.

Competitiveness is likely particularly pronounced in middle-class circles due to their access to similar opportunities and societal pressures, often around career, appearance, parenting, achievement, status, and lifestyle.

Tesser (1988) further explained this through his Self-Evaluation Maintenance Theory, which suggests that people feel threatened when someone close to them excels in an area they personally value, explaining why competition can be particularly strong in close relationships. Therefore, competitive dynamics are expected in middle-class friendships, where outcomes are easily measured across the aforementioned variables.

Can you change the dynamic of a competitive friendship?

The dynamic of a competitive friendship can change, but it requires awareness and intentional effort. Tesser’s studies on relationship dynamics indicate that open communication and collectively redefining success, and shifting focus to mutual support, can help diffuse competition. However, even if one party recognises the issue and values the friendship, they can actively reframe the rivalry as inspiration, and consistently demonstrate this through their actions to improve the dynamic over time.

Reaching this state and truly embracing it requires self-awareness, emotional maturity, and a genuine commitment to personal growth. This takes time and dedication, as shifting deeply ingrained patterns of comparison toward a healthier, more supportive mindset is challenging. However, the benefits of perseverance are significant, as it fosters a healthy friendship that can add real depth and meaning to our lives.

Why do competitive friendships develop?

Shifting one’s mindset away from competitiveness is challenging because it is often rooted in low self-esteem, insecurities, and a lack of self-awareness. People who are disconnected from their true selves often seek external validation to define their worth. This reinforces competitive behaviours as a way to assert their value.

Overcoming this requires deep self-reflection and, at times, working with a psychologist to recognize and reject societal narratives that equate success with external approval. It also demands ongoing emotional regulation to learn how to manage difficult feelings that may keep arising—consciously or unconsciously—from comparison; such as resentment, jealousy, guilt, sadness, stress or, regret. It is also important to actively cultivate healthy ways to meet emotional needs, replacing the need for rivalry with efforts toward genuine connection.

Developing and maintaining a supportive friendship takes time, patience, and effort. It is easy to fall back into automatic patterns of behaviour and revert to comparison, so personal growth must remain a continuous, intentional practice.

How damaging can competitive friendships be?

Competitive friendships can be damaging when the competition goes beyond healthy limits—for example, when young people in friendship groups compare weight and shape, shame others about food, and compete with them to be the thinnest, fittest and most attractive.

Competitive friendships can impact one’s self-esteem, making you feel as though you don’t have true friends and, therefore, feel more isolated. Not fitting in can be an issue, but even if you are more successful and achieve more, you can be punished by a competitive friend and excluded for this through their envy. One can then internalise this to feel even worse about oneself and self-doubt can creep in, or a belief that you’re in the wrong. You need to ask if this person is a friend or an enemy in disguise: a frenemy.

“Tall poppy syndrome” can happen when people in your friendship circle don’t want you to be more successful than them, and this can result in social rejection and isolation from groups. Self-harm, addictions, binge eating and restrictive eating, anxiety and depression are some of the mental health difficulties that can arise, particularly in adolescence and at school, which can be especially damaging.

How are competitive friendships masked?

Sometimes a competitive friend may downplay something they’ve achieved or not reveal too much information so you can’t compete with them. They may also pretend to care about your personal circumstances but secretly be gaining information and knowledge to use to stay ahead in a pecking order—or worse, to sabotage your efforts.

You may find they avoid being vulnerable with you, and the relationship feels one-sided, with you revealing more authentic truths about your life than they do about theirs. It’s important to observe how they speak about others because it will give you insights into their true values, who and what they really care about, and which friendships they compete in. Can you ever trust someone in competition with you to have your back? What do they say about you behind your back?

Ultimately, for true happiness, perhaps the only person we should commit to competing with is ourselves, whilst taking inspiration from others. If you have a vision and a dream, map out your way to getting there, put one foot forward and make some progress ahead of where you were this time last month or year. You’ll one day discover that your best friend and best competitor is you.