How to Say I’m Sorry

Being able to apologize is an important part of any relationship. No matter how hard we try, there are going to be times when we mess up or make a mistake or somehow hurt another person.

It can be hard to know how to apologize, so here are four “do’s” and four “don’ts” of a healthy apology. Try implementing these the next time you say, “I’m sorry,” and see how it changes the effectiveness of your apology.

The Do’s of an Effective Apology

• Do say “I’m sorry.” It might sound basic, but saying the words “I’m sorry” is an important part of a healthy apology. When we apologize, we want to recognize that we did something hurtful to another person and want to communicate that we regret the pain that we caused, intentionally or otherwise. Starting an apology with “I’m sorry” shows that we regret the impact of our actions and want to make amends.
• Do show understanding of how you impacted the other person. For an apology to be effective, we must know what we are apologizing for. Just saying sorry to end an argument or move on is not an effective apology. To be effective, we need to be able to communicate what we are apologizing for. Sometimes the impact of our actions is different than what we meant to do (see this post for more tips on this), and, in an apology, we want to focus on the impact we had on others. This might sound like “I know you felt ignored when I was on the phone when you were telling me about your day” or “I can see how you felt embarrassed and hurt when I showed up late to our dinner reservation and didn’t tell you that I was running late.”
• Do offer a plan to move forward. Part of an effective apology is showing that we want to put in effort to keep from making the same mistake and impact in the future. One way to do this is to show what plan you must make for a change in the future. This could sound like saying, “I realize that I get angry quickly and say things I don’t mean. I am going to try to say when I am getting overwhelmed in the future” or “I am going to work on being better about putting our events in my calendar and setting up reminders for myself so I don’t get busy at work and forget to leave on time.”
• Do make amends. Even after we apologize, there still might be some hurt from the incident that occurred. In this situation, it can be helpful to ask if there is anything that you can do to help the other person feel better and to be willing to do what they need. You might say something like, “I know I can’t change that I was late to dinner, but is there anything I can do to help make it up to you?” or “I know you still feel hurt. Is there some way I could help you feel better right now?”

The Don’ts of an Effective Apology

• Don’t apologize just to get an apology back. Sometimes after a fight, we apologize to try to have the other person apologize as well. And, often, both people in a conflict do need to apologize for something. Each apology should be separate and based on the desire to make repairs instead of the desire to have an apology given in return. Apologizing to receive an apology back makes it feel less sincere and therefore less effective. Try thinking of your apology as just being about your behavior and let the other person take accountability to apologize as well. If they don’t, and you still feel hurt, this can be important to bring up, just at a different time than when you are apologizing.
• Don’t use an apology to shift the blame. Sometimes we apologize but also shift the blame onto the other person. This might look like saying, “I’m sorry I got mad, but you were being unreasonable” or “I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes, but it isn’t like you do chores all the time either.” While there is some accountability in these apologies, they also work to shift the blame to point out what the other person did wrong, which is a separate conversation. In an apology, we want to focus just on taking accountability for what is our responsibility and not focus on what another person did.
• Don’t apologize for the other person’s emotions. Healthy apologies only work when we apologize for our own behaviors and the impact that we have on others. Sometimes though, we try to apologize just for the reaction of the other person. This often looks like saying “I’m sorry you got mad” or “I’m sorry you are so upset.” While this might be true, it does not actually demonstrate an understanding of how you contributed to making that impact for the other person.
• Don’t use an apology to provide an excuse. Lastly, healthy apologies are focused on responsibility, not an excuse. An apology used to provide an excuse sounds like “I am sorry I was late, but I was just so busy at work and couldn’t get away” or “I am sorry I yelled but I was just so angry.” While these justifications might be true, they also minimize the impact of your actions and can reduce the effectiveness of the apology. These reasons might be an important part of the plan you make to change the actions going forward (if you are overwhelmed at work and that makes you run late, then maybe that is part of what you want to change), but it should not be the focus of the apology. Focus first on showing that you understand the impact of how you hurt the other person and what you can do to show up differently in the future.