How to Detach from a Difficult Family Member

I have a good friend who planned a stunning, top-drawer 70th birthday party for her mother.

She picked a beautiful venue, exquisite decorations to match, delicious food and wine, and invited friends to fly in from across the country. This friend is a master consultant and event planner; nothing was missed. “She makes underhanded comments about how she doesn’t feel loved by her children,” she said, “so I thought I’d do something big, drenched in appreciation.”

“That was your first mistake,” I said, before even hearing the story.

“And I don’t think it was clear to me at the time, but I hoped it might earn me some brownie points,” she added.

“Your second, and fatal, mistake,” I commented sadly.

Over the years, patients and friends have told me an almost identical story. “I should have known better,” they say in retrospect. But even as they get older—into their 30s, 40s, or 50s—they believe if they show the right brand of love, gifts, or consideration, they can win the approval of this difficult parent, sibling, adult child, or friend. Yet, no amount of greeting cards, fancy meals, thoughtful presents, or mindreading and pleasing works with this particular person. Deep inside, they still try.

For my friend, her mother played a fabulously happy, charming belle of the proverbial ball at the party. What happened after? A simple thank you? Nope. Instead, she received a caustic text about what a terrible person she must be to leave dirty dishes in the family dishwasher (there was no dish detergent; my friend had texted to apologize that, due to time constraints, she had to leave dishes neatly loaded but unwashed).

“I should have known,” she said again. “But now I do.”

It’s not easy to emotionally or physically detach from a family member, but, over time, it may be the psychologically healthy thing to do. This doesn’t mean detaching meanly; it means striving to feel more or less neutral. This is a process, not a one-and-done, and anything you try needn’t be forever. If you feel differently later, you can try something else.

If you’d like to attempt detaching from someone with an entrenched pattern of difficult behavior and communication, here are three steps to consider:

1. Don’t leave yourself emotionally vulnerable. My friend’s first mistake! Thoughts like, “If I do this, maybe they will finally love/approve/respect me,” are a trap, pure and simple. If they’ve not done (whatever it is you’d like) before, why would they start? In this arena, unlike, financial markets, prior performance is a predictor of future results. Lower your expectations to the level of their customary behavior, and don’t expect more. You won’t be disappointed so frequently.
2. Don’t anticipate acknowledgment. Those brownie points my friend wanted? Seek them! But not from this particular family member or friend. Look to other friends, parent(s), or siblings to be seen and heard. There’s something to be said for that old saw that insanity is doing the same thing but expecting different results. You’re not insane; you just have a hard time believing there’s no mutuality of love or caring to be found. You may be right—the person may love and care in their own way, but they can’t show it in yours.
3. Don’t feel guilty about your anger, or even spite. In our culture, there’s lots of talk about forgiveness. But even if you do forgive, do it for yourself and your own peace of mind. If you’re intent on accessing compassion for this person, try thinking about what happened to them to make them the way they are, rather than what’s wrong with them. For instance, did they experience unexplored trauma? Were they born that way? (That’s pretty sad for them and their life, if so.) Even when and if you feel compassion, it doesn’t mean anger won’t sometimes well up, too. You’re human, and that’s OK.

After using one or all these steps, you may decide you want a civil, birthday-or-holiday-text-only relationship (or some variation thereof). You may want to cut off all contact completely. Or, you might realize when you’re emotionally detached and don’t expect much, you actually want to attend that family gathering or special occasion; you may decide it’s worth it for some sense of obligation or to see others who will show up.

Finally, know you’re not alone. You deserve all the love and acknowledgment you want—simply seeking it from the right people will make it much easier to find.