Dating? Recognize the Very Early Signs of Narcissism
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been described as a public health issue because of the damage caused to others.
NPD is not rare (7.7% of men, 4.8% of women) and, because of how and how often narcissists approach others “romantically,” those who are on the dating market are at risk.
Can you identify narcissism on the first date?
Yes. But you cannot respond to the flags if you don’t see them.
Human Needs
Human need fulfillment applies to everyone across the life-span. However, narcissists are stuck at an early stage of development: They have a childlike egocentrism, emotional dysregulation, and an immature transactional view of relationships.
1. The need for love (and sex)
The defining feature of narcissism is the creation of a persona that is meant to be “lovable.” Therefore, they cultivate what they believe is attractive to others such as a charismatic and charming exterior. Think of it as a sales pitch.
Erich Fromm, eminent psychoanalyst, was clear: Narcissists, like children, want to be loved but cannot maturely love another. Because they lack empathy, they cannot know you or respect you with any depth as an individual.
Instead, you are a useful object for their narcissistic supply. Accordingly, you must be seduced.
On the first date:
Are they charming, charismatic, and romantic? [1] Yup. This is a huge red flag. Disappointing, I know. But it works.
Do they flaunt what Fromm called “symbols of narcissism” (their body, luxury watches, a handlebar mustache)? Do they humor and flatter others and talk loudly so all can hear? Do they glance around to see who is looking at them? Do they enhance their feminine or masculine features? Do they claim that “everybody” knows them? Do they comment positively on your body or observe “how good you look together”?
Tuck these observations in your back pocket. Don’t dismiss them.
Later:
Do they repeatedly signal their sexuality or like to “make an entrance”? Do they tell you how attractive they are to others? Do they claim they are frequently “hit on” or mention they are often complimented? Do they comment on the sexual attractiveness of others, including your friends?
The love bomb: Do they flatter you, make you feel sexy/pretty/handsome? Do they say they want to treat you like a queen/king? Do they bring you gifts? Have they finally met someone “deserving of them” and talk about your future together? Do they want to “show you off” or claim you have all the qualifications of their fantasy partner? Are you “different” or “ideal”?
Sex: Do they smolder at you? When they first touched you, was it with consent or entitlement?[2] Are they sexually aggressive? Do they claim to need frequency and intensity? Does their sex have a compulsive quality? Is it rough? What is their porn consumption?
Other relationships: How do they talk about their exes: Did “sex get boring” or was their ex “ungrateful”? Did they learn a skill and then leave? Did they get financial support or were they put though school? How about support in starting a business? Do all their friends seem to have some instrumental value or enhance their status in some way? Do they name drop?
The above are all signs of objectification: People have utility, including you. Sex will be critical because this is where they feel most admired and “loved.” So, ask yourself, what could my utility be? Your status, vacation home, good looks or youth, professional skills, community connections, 401k, or your physical features? Older women know the phrase, “He wants a nurse with a purse.”
2. The need for safety
Protection of their fragile core is key and the outer world can be distorted to the point of delusion to serve this purpose. Grandiosity and vanity are shields. Therefore, “reality checks,” appeals to rationality, or even adult bids for need-fulfillment are triggering and felt as threats.
On the first date:
Do they tell you they don’t like being “scolded”? They mean, “don’t give me feedback.” Do they tell you they are a “good person” and present their deeds as “proof”? Are they estranged from their own offspring and/or family members and blame them for being ungrateful or entitled?
Later:
Do they anger quickly? Do they pick fights out of nowhere? Do they manipulate your sense of safety (e.g., “Everyone wants me, but I only have eyes for you.”). Have they gaslit you: “You make me unsafe”? Do they give you the silent treatment as punishment? Are they possessive and jealous, or do they come between you and your friends? Do they accuse you or others of something they are doing themselves (projection)? Have you caught them in a lie?
3. The need for power and control
The need for love and safety expressed in these ways are associated with a high need for power and control. Thus, relationships can be a one-way street with enforcement.
Do they tell you they don’t like being interrupted? They mean, “When I’m talking, listen”. Do they mention fights and “make up sex”? This creates dependency and sex/affection is used as a lever.
Bending rules indicates they feel they are above them. Do they show signs of sexual entitlement either overtly (demands, roughness) or more subtly (hinting they can get sex elsewhere)? Are they keen on getting you drunk or otherwise altered? Do they enjoy scenarios where a lack of consent is implied? Have they infantilized you? What flavor of porn do they watch?
High need for power plus lack of empathy and objectification lay the groundwork for sadism, the topic of the 4th essay in this series.
Pay attention and trust the signs
It’s easy to fall for a narcissist (Dirty John and The Tinder Swindler demonstrate this point). But you can spare yourself heartache and confusion (and even interpersonal violence) if you know what to look for.