Boys and Belonging: Don’t leave it to online influencers

All teenagers are actively asking, “Who am I?” and, “Where do I belong?” These aren’t abstract curiosities; they’re core developmental tasks. The answers are shaped by family, culture, mentors, and peers.

Increasingly, influencers, algorithms, and peer dynamics online also play a significant role. If we don’t create healthy spaces for boys and young men to explore these questions, someone else will—often with a much more rigid, reactive, and sometimes dangerous script.

What Adolescence Reveals About Online Influence

The show follows a 13-year-old boy whose identity and behaviors are shaped in significant ways by online extremism, revealing how toxic ideologies can have devastating consequences. It is sparking much-needed awareness about the ways some online “masculinity influencers” promote rigid gender stereotypes, conspiratorial ideas, misogynist views, and even violence. These ideas aren’t fringe. Andrew Tate currently has millions of followers on X, even after being banned from other platforms and facing accusations of sex trafficking.

Worried parents are suddenly Googling “the 80/20 rule” and “red pill.” After watching the well-meaning but naïve adults in Adolescence, many are ready to course-correct. That’s a good instinct. Online extremism doesn’t always feature hate groups or violent manifestos. According to Common Sense Media, extremist groups have targeted youth (especially young white men) through “music, video, images, and coordinated meme campaigns.” Masculinity influencers often use banter humor, cringe content, or offer boys ways to make money, build their bodies, or gain confidence.

The actors in Adolescence show us a stunning and emotionally powerful (albeit extreme) story about the devastating influence of these ideologies. But the dramatic nature of the show can also push parents into panic mode. If you’ve seen the show, take three deep breaths. Then take three more. When we lead with fear, we risk shutting down the very conversations our teens need most.

Whether or Not You’ve Seen the Show, Let’s Keep in Mind

These are not “online only” challenges.

According to a report from the Observatory on Cyberbullying, Cyberhate, and Online Harassment, harmful ideologies promoted by some masculinity influencers exist within a broader “ecosystem of spaces” that maintain and reinforce gendered power dynamics. As media researcher danah boyd famously said, “The internet mirrors and magnifies many aspects of everyday life—good and bad.” Turning off phones won’t turn off misogyny.

These influencers also don’t emerge from a vacuum—they’re meeting an unmet need in many young men: for validation, reassurance, guidance, purpose, and belonging. Understanding the appeal is key to counteracting their negative impact.

But the internet does amplify and transform these challenges.

Social media has unique features that intersect with adolescent vulnerabilities in ways that can accelerate risk—including private access, recommendation algorithms, popularity metrics, and influencers who profit from capturing young people’s time and attention. The internet didn’t invent extremism, but it has made harmful ideas more accessible, more extreme, more constant, and more personalized. It has also made them big business.

That’s exactly why our presence and perspective still matter.

So What Can We Actually Do?

Listen.

Ask what young people are seeing, hearing, and doing online. Listen for new vocabulary or themes, and stay curious. If you notice extremist ideas or language, don’t ignore it—but don’t attack, either. Confrontation can fuel the “maverick” appeal of online influencers. Instead, state your values and stay engaged. Learning for Justice’s Speak Up at School guide is a great resource for knowing what to say when the moment catches you off guard.

Try questions like:

• “Why do you say that? Tell me more about what you mean by that.”
• “Have you seen anything online lately that made you uncomfortable—or made you laugh, but then left you thinking, ‘Wait, what?’”
• “I don’t believe that we should make ourselves feel better by degrading others. It just isn’t a path that helps anyone. Do you know of any online influencers who do that? What do you think of that?”

Name the tactics.

Teens are more likely to encounter this kind of content on their social media feeds than to actively search for it. They need critical media and algorithmic literacy to spot manipulation early.

Ask:

• “Can you spot a video or message that’s designed to get a reaction—not necessarily to tell the truth?”
• “How do you think influencers like Andrew Tate make money?
• “What do you know about recommendation algorithms? What kind of content do you think get more traction in algorithms?”
• “We all feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, or insecure sometimes. That’s part of being human. Have you ever heard someone online promise to make that pain go away by blaming whole groups of people?”

Model complexity.

Teens get frustrated when adults oversimplify. To open up a conversation grounded in their actual experiences, try:

• “We both know that algorithms can create completely different “sides” of the internet on the same platform. Some sides can help us and some sides hurt us. It’s sometimes tricky to notice which side we’re on, so let’s keep talking about it and keep an eye on it together.”
• “What do you think people you follow online are getting ‘right’ about your experiences? What isn’t a good fit? Why?”

Build support and belonging offline.

Shame and isolation are accelerators. Belonging and support slow things down. And remember, belonging isn’t measured by simply participating in activities like eating dinner together as a family, showing up to a school building, or joining a group. Belonging is measured by how we feel about ourselves and others once we get there.

Don’t duck “the talks”

Avoiding conversations about sex, porn, relationships, mental health, gender stereotypes, bullying, and feelings doesn’t just delay important learning—it creates space for harmful voices to fill the gaps.

Most kids won’t initiate these conversations. But research shows they want us to—even if they’re awkward.

The issues Adolescence surfaces are serious. We should absolutely create family media agreements, monitor to build trust, and set meaningful boundaries around tech. But the answer to a compelling show about online extremism isn’t panic—it’s presence.

If we want to raise whole and healthy teens, we can’t just block the wrong doors—we have to open the right ones. That means helping all kids find belonging, purpose, and identity in places that honor their full humanity. These are core tasks of adolescence, let’s not outsource them to online influencers.