Are You Unsatisfied in Your Relationship but Don’t Know Why?

Cherelle is an upbeat 32-year-old manager at an advertising agency, and married mother of two children.

Outwardly, things appear to be going well in her life. She is in good health, succeeding at her job, and her kids are thriving. However, when it comes to her relationship with her husband, she obsesses and finds herself getting stuck in the same pattern over and over again.

In an effort to please him, she is always doing things for him and ends up feeling exhausted on a regular basis. Her husband, a kind man, often encourages her to slow down and take time off from work and her responsibilities at home to nourish herself. When she does heed his advice for a girl’s night out, or a weekend away, she repeatedly checks in to see how he and the kids are doing.

Despite his reassurance, they are all fine and pleas to enjoy herself, she still worries and seeks constant approval. Sometimes she even feels guilty wondering if he is secretly upset with her for going out. On these occasions, she’ll cut her time short and beeline back home to be with him. Once home, she will complain he is not paying enough attention to her, and they’ll end up arguing. This ongoing pattern has led them both to feeling dissatisfied with their relationship.

What is going on?

Cherelle, like many others, is overly preoccupied with her spouse, which is emblematic of an anxious attachment style – one which may have been modeled to her at a young age. As an adult, this unhealthy type of attachment is associated with feelings of discontent in romantic relationships.

In fact, in a recent study of 120 young adults aged 18-35 who were dating or married, a significant negative correlation was reported between anxious attachment styles and relationship satisfaction.

Additionally, in another study of 250 couples, researchers found anxious attachment styles to have a negative effect on psychological well-being and marital satisfaction.

The Science of Attachment

In order to understand Cherelle’s negative behavioral pattern, it may be helpful to look back at her early childhood experiences. While our past does not determine our future, how we attached as kids to our parents may influence how we attach in our adult romantic relationships. In brief, there are three basic attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. They describe various ways in which we handle intimacy in our relationships.

Those with secure attachments are comfortable giving and receiving love. In contrast, those with anxious attachments, like Cherelle, tend to be overly focused – even obsessive – about their relationships, and those with avoidant styles often push their partner away in an attempt to maintain their independence.

Many of us repeat the same behavioral patterns in adulthood that we established with our parents as young children. It follows that how we attach with our kids may also influence how they will attach in their adult romantic relationships as well. And this pattern could possibly continue with them and their kids (our grandkids). And so on.

As we discuss in Happy Together, relationship habits are particularly hard to break because our attractions are shaped by our deeply rooted needs and expectations.

For the lucky few, who learned at an early age almost effortlessly how to securely attach, their actions may have a positive domino effect on their relationships, and that of future generations as well.

However, healthy attachment styles seem to be the exception, not the norm. The majority of us adopted an insecure style such as anxious, avoidant, or a combination of the two.

The good news is that we can all learn to change our attachment styles. Latest research suggests they aren’t set in stone. In fact, they often improve as we mature, and when we are motivated to do so in loving relationships.

Focusing on the Future of Our Relationships
While we can’t change our relationships with our parents, what we can do is reexamine our early childhood attachments in order to better understand ourselves, and our actions now. This can help undo any negative effects these attachments styles may have caused in our marriage or romantic partnership.

Additionally, we can use that information not only in our spousal relationship, but also in our relationship with our children to help break the cycle and prevent future damage. Nipping negative behavior in the bud now with our children may increase their chances of forging strong and satisfying relationships later in life.

Look back at your relationships with your parents and closely examine your interactions. Then sit with your spouse or significant other and take turns asking one another the following questions:

Adopt: What was one small thing your parents did well that you’d like to carry over into your relationship?

Discard: What was something that they didn’t do so well that you don’t want to repeat in your relationship?

Do Differently: What is something you would like to introduce into your relationship to strengthen your bond and increase your satisfaction?

After spending time on these questions reflect deeply on what a healthy attachment style looks like and how you’d like to model that for your children. Think of something you learned from your parents that you want to reinforce or change in your parenting style with your children and make a commitment to do it today.

Fostering Positive Family Relationships

Given the importance of a healthy attachment style for well-being and relationship satisfaction, it’s beneficial kids learn to build healthy habits and avoid falling into negative ones since many may repeat the same patterns late in life.

Additionally, their attachment style is tied to the type of passion (healthy or obsessive) they tend to experience in their romantic relationships as adults.

Leading passion researcher Robert Vallerand conducted a number of studies exploring the connection between attachment styles and romantic passion. As reported in Motivation and Emotion, he found that a healthy or “harmonious” passion is associated with a secure attachment and sustainable and satisfying relationships.

In contrast, an unhealthy or “obsessive” passion is often linked with an anxious attachment characterized by ongoing tension, like Cherelle experienced in her relationship.

Here are three things we can do that may help our kids avoid obsessive passion and build satisfying relationships:

Mind the Moments: Be aware of the way in which you interact with your kids daily. Pay attention to the small things.

Model Healthy Behavior: Be a positive role model in your romantic relationship. Remember kids are always watching, listening, and taking in our subtle cues.

Know Their Influencers: Be on top of what your children absorb from others, online and offline. Encourage them to build strong friendships and engage with people of high character, rather than high influence, in real life.

In sum, while we can’t change the past and the way we interacted with our parents as children, we can learn from it and change the future. We can use this knowledge to change the way we behave with our romantic partner in order to increase our relational satisfaction.

Additionally, we can change the way we engage with our children to possibly improve their relational happiness.

By being mindful of the way we interact with our kids, modeling healthy behaviors, and pointing out exemplars of thriving relationships in the real world, we can give our children the best possible chances of developing satisfying relationships.

In turn, they can apply their knowledge to influence future generations yet to come.