Many parents continue to “help” their children long after they become adults. Based on the parents I see in my coaching practice, this is not a deliberate attempt to control their adult child; rather, it is often out of fear that their adult child will struggle too much, or it is a habit.
This help can take the form of incessant reminders (also known as nagging) or fixing problems, providing financial assistance, or simply stepping in to offer support. As I observe in my parent coaching practice, this can, over time, significantly blur the line between helping and controlling.
How the Myth of Ensuring Happiness Leads to a Sad Truth
You may be thinking, “I just want life to be easier for my children than it was when I was making it as an adult.” And there is no reason you can’t be supportive of your kids for this reason, to an extent. Yet, have you heard the saying, “Give someone a fish, and you feed them for a day. Teach someone to fish, and you feed them for a lifetime”?
In line with that great quote, the reality is that if you are overly helpful, you risk creating an unhealthy level of dependency. Many well-intentioned parents hold their adult children back by staying attached to a fix-it mode, preventing them from being jostled by the natural bumps of adulthood. This may not only hinder their ability to become resilient but also hinder your ability to support them with the gift that keeps on giving, independence.
A Crucial Mindset Shift Is Needed
Many parents fail to realise that it is okay for them to be still learning how to be in the most optimal role as parents of adult children. With the heart of a lifelong learner, parents can benefit from making the shift from still raising a child to relating to an adult whom they raised. This often means breaking the patterns of fixing their adult children’s problems and becoming more of a coach to help them solve their own.
As I wrote in 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, I believe the two most crucial skills for life are the ability to calm down (regulate emotions) and solve problems. If you are wearing a SWAT Team Parent Vest and going on missions to solve your adult child’s problems for them, aren’t you interfering with their ability to calm down and problem-solve?
A Mental Health Caveat
Of course, if your adult child is struggling with mental health challenges, an addiction, trauma, or neurodivergence, then extra support, including encouragement to see a mental health professional, may be necessary. However, even so, the goal remains to empower, rather than enable, their journey toward greater self-agency.
Final Thoughts
If you believe that proper growth and maturity come from navigating discomfort, solving your own problems, and learning from mistakes and even failures, then be sure not to hinder your adult child from embarking on that journey. Otherwise, constant intervention from you can unwittingly send your adult child a painful, limiting message: “I don’t think you can handle this on your own.”
