Are You Moving Too Fast?

“I’m in a new relationship. I may be giving too much, trusting my new partner too quickly and I’m very enthusiastic. My new partner is disrespectful toward me. Should I go slower?” —A divorcee

What is the best road for achieving profound love, as well as sexual satisfaction? Should we ride fast on that road or patiently take our time? The answer is not straightforward.

The right speed in romantic relationships

It is often assumed that while love requires patience and a long-term profundity, sexual satisfaction revolves around short-term intensity. It is true that romantic experiences last longer than sexual experiences, but the temporal duration is equally as significant in sexual interactions.

Thus, while sexual experiences can be brief, and quickies are of special value, an enduring afterglow is associated with affectionate activities and is more related to orgasm than penetration (Meltzer, et. al., 2017; Ben-Ze’ev, 2023; and here). The superstar Madonna also confirmed the significance of sexual duration when she claimed that young men do not know what they are doing but do it for the whole night.

Modern society has a problem: it loves “fast,” but many things require a “slow” approach. Fast food and fast sex have their place, but trying too hard for efficiency can backfire. Orgasm can be achieved quickly, but romantic profundity takes time (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; Ben-Ze’ev & Krebs, 2024, and here).

The Development of a New Romantic Relationship

“If both of you are on the same page, I don’t think going fast is a bad thing at all.” —A woman

Talking about moving fast when beginning a new relationship may bring to mind words such as “haste,” “rushing,” “hurrying,” and “quickness.” Each has a slightly different sense—haste involves moving hurriedly and in a careless manner; rushing implies doing something too quickly without thinking carefully enough; and hurrying refers to acting unusually quickly.

Negativity is the common factor. Quickness seems to stand out as a neutral choice but can be negative if it prevents profound activities that take time. You generally should not rush love to reach a sexual goal as fast as possible. The rate of gaining sexual satisfaction can vary, and quickies and having sex on a first or second date are not the only exciting options.

The opposite trait of rushing is procrastination. Studies of students have indicated that procrastinators report lower stress and less illness than nonprocrastinators earlier on in the semester, but feel higher stress and more illness later in the term, and were overall sicker (Tice & Baumeister, 1997). Those who rush love often share similar characteristics: short-term benefits and long-term costs.

Patience is a major aspect of an enduring romantic relationship, where ideal love should endure forever (or, as Bon Jovi says, “forever and a day”), with occasional intense sexual encounters.

Sexual encounters have two valuable types: impatient, wild and brief, and patient, prolonged and tender. We can posit a continuum extending between extreme rushing and extreme procrastination. The optimal attitude typically consists of having moderate characteristics of both, while sporadically taking one of the extreme poles.

What Women Say About Moving Quickly in a Relationship

Here are random answers from women, about the nature of moving fast in a relationship (Reddit, here, here, and here):

• “I have no patience, and if I feel a connection with a guy, I want to meet soon. I don’t want to waste too much time with lame small-talk.”
• “Too fast means faster than I would like. Maybe it’s becoming too physical too quickly for one of the partners.”
• “I waited two weeks/three dates for sex. It’s more the emotional attachment that concerns me.”
• “I prefer to meet quickly. I’m probably one of the few women that can’t stand messaging.”
• “I like to meet a guy the first week I talk to him.”
• “No such thing as too soon. Only too late.”
• “I meet ASAP if I am interested. I’ve met up as quickly as one hour after matching with someone.”
• “I go slow. Like a snail. The guy I’m dating moves at lightning speed. However, he’s agreed to allow me to set the pace at my comfort level and he hasn’t pushed it since.”
• “I fall fast and overwhelm whoever I’m seeing until they break it off. It’s lonely.”
• “I think it’s only too fast if: 1. One person is going faster/slower than the other, and both partners don’t share the same feelings; 2. You’re committing without fully knowing the person.”
• “Going fast is not always a bad thing. My SO and me went abroad together five weeks after meeting, but we’re still together seven years later.”
• “In two weeks, we were almost living together, and we are still together five years later.”
• “Moving too fast is moving in together and saying ‘I love you’ within one month.”

As we can see from these responses, a major factor in determining whether you are moving too fast refers to personal and contextual factors.

Nevertheless, some general shared signs in dating tend to reoccur in going too fast. These could be, for example, ignoring your non-negotiable red flags; considering the idea of moving in together; spending lots of time together right away; neglecting your own quality time; and rushing into commitment and marriage.

Instead of rushing into these activities, it is better to add them gradually. Instant gratification can feel great, but sometimes only for that instant.

Concluding remarks

“Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.” —Thomas Merton

“I tend to just go with whatever speed seems right, and not force it. If things are going great, I see no reason to slow things down.” —A woman

There are many roads to developing enduring romantic relationships, but as in many other aspects of love, the virtues of moderation and balance are crucial.

There is no one school solution for the pace of such development, but considering personal and circumstantial factors and behaving in moderate and balanced manners are likely to be most helpful.