A Fork in the Road: Which Path to Take?
“We do not obtain the most precious gifts by going in search of them but by waiting for them.”
So says the philosopher Simone Weil. Her quote caught my attention when I saw it referenced in David Brook’s new book, How to Know a Person. Curiously, I had been reflecting on this very conundrum in my own effort to slow down, be still, and allow my story to play out as it will.
You see, the act of surrender, acquiescence, or waiting, is antithetical to the gut instincts of some. We are too often in search of answers, solutions, connection, affirmation, and yet sometimes, what we seek is nowhere to be found. That’s precisely the time to back off, stop pressing, and let nature take its course. Thus, I fully acknowledge and endorse the sentiment articulated by Ms. Weil.
Sometimes.
The problems with waiting for “precious gifts to appear” are myriad. Avoidance, laziness, fear, submissiveness, apathy, compliance, and lack of intellectual curiosity are all conditions that can get in the way of a person’s search for whatever it is they desire. Some folks resist acting on pretty much anything and everything, period.
They are just fine sitting back on their haunches, waiting—waiting for the right moment, alignment of the stars, the perfect whatever. The time has to be just right. Or, they’re obstinate and will act when they’re ready.
Well, the truth is that sometimes the timing is never right, and so the “waiters” are never ready to act. They are more comfortable with complacency. And so, I kindly invite them to take the leap and act now before they’re fully ready.
The stages of change theory posits a five-stage model for enacting change: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. You see the problem.
There are three steps to take before we get to action. So, maybe there are times when we need to skip the preparation stage and just pull the trigger already. Yes, conduct your due diligence. Explore contingencies. Don’t act for the sake of acting. But, come on already. Step up to the plate and swing the bat.
Or not.
Just stand there with the bat on your shoulder. Walks can score runs too. If the pitcher’s not putting the ball over the plate, why swing the bat? Well, because you just might hit a home run, which feels a whole lot better than walking.
Sometimes it’s important—essential—for us to be assertive in order to move the needle, make things happen, and get what we need or want. Determination is a core component of success in any endeavor. And yet, there’s a big difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. When we’re being assertive, we’re clearly communicating our needs without placing demands on others.
Aggressiveness crosses the line and becomes egocentrically expectant of others. That’s when we become too determined, push too hard, become overbearing, and refuse to take “no” for an answer.
Aggression transforms us into one of those high-pressure salespeople nobody likes. It’s not a good look and usually doesn’t accomplish the goal. Yeah, you might intimidate someone into buying what you’re selling once, but there will be no repeat sales. We cannot will something to happen if it’s not in our control, no matter how hard we try.
So, Ms. Weil’s advocacy of patience and tacit recognition of happenstance is apt in many circumstances and situations—especially in relationships. But too often, the anxiously attached person just cannot let up and let be.
They need consistent and ongoing positive reinforcement to quell their insecurity. They tend to push so hard for what they need that they push people away. When seeking a romantic or sexual relationship, people can become compulsive, scrolling endlessly on dating apps and searching for the perfect partner.
This practice can become frustrating, and exhausting, and further exacerbate one’s insecurities and feelings of loneliness.
Sometimes the decision to act or wait is based on complex nuance or other extenuating circumstances that might involve one’s central nervous system and the neural pathways that have been developed in the brain. They quite literally can’t help themselves from acting and reacting the way they do. It takes a long time and a whole lot of diligence to tame the beast that has hijacked the interconnectivity between one’s brain, body, emotions, and behavior.
The key for all of us is to develop the sense, intuition, and wisdom to know when to be still and when to spring into action. The answer is always situational and contingent on a variety of external factors. And try as we might, we’re likely to get it wrong as often as we get it right.
It’s a gut decision, based on experiential learning and our in-the-moment perception of the other person, persons, or situation involved. And sometimes we’re off base, no matter how hard we try to “get it right.”
The safest way to approach decisions is to play the middle and mix it up. Do your homework. Explore your curiosities about the available options. Avoid going into automatic pilot.
Our approach becomes problematic if we always act and react the same way, whether that be impulsivity and anxiousness or avoidance and silence. Reflect. Think. Feel. Explore. Risk. And be content knowing that you might still choose the wrong path. It’s OK.
Sometimes we just have to get used to the certainty of uncertainty and our inherent infallibility as human beings. Yeah, I know that kind of sucks. At the end of the day, this binary is usually about control. We want it and are afraid of ceding it to others.
While there is no harm in wanting, we must eventually accept that much of what happens in life is beyond our control. And yet, there are often compromise solutions. We can be assertive by clearly stating our needs or position and being patient as we wait to see how the forces outside of our control respond.
At the end of the day, take solace in the knowledge that there is no right or wrong way. There is just a way. So, in the words of the inimitable Yogi Berra, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”
Or don’t. The decision is yours to make.