Who Are You Aside From Being A Parent?

When people become parents, their identity often becomes tied solely to that role. But does it have to be that way?

Does it have to be this way?

I saw an Instagram post featuring Dr. Raquel Martin, a licensed clinical psychologist, who says that she won’t apologize for her kids not being her entire world. She goes on to say that having that perspective is unhealthy, etc. This got me thinking, so I asked several friends, “Who are you aside from being your child’s parent?” Here are some of their responses:

Who are you, aside from being your child’s parent?
Stephanie, a mom of two, said this:
Aside from being my kids’ mom, I’m a woman who’s always learning, creating, and searching for ways to express myself and connect with others. I love dance, teaching, and sharing what I’ve learned through life’s challenges. I’m someone who wants to inspire others to find their rhythm—whether that’s in dance or in life.

Marie, a Mom of two, said this:
I’m one of five children who traveled with my parents growing up, my father being transferred by the Air Force. We were raised to be independent, and I’m comfortable being self-reliant most of the time.

I attended college late, graduating at 45 with a BA in psychology.

My younger daughter, now almost 36, was born with a seizure disorder and physical limitations. As she grew, it became clear she had developmental disabilities. Her diagnosis led me to college, a career in human services focused on developmental disability services.

I think being a parent of a child with disabilities has defined me, my interests, and my activities for many, many years.

When I was younger , I would wander away on adventures.

I speak only for myself but admit that as a parent of a disabled child, I’ve allowed my world to become smaller and smaller.

Kelly, a mom of 2, said this:

Now. Honestly, I am no one, nothing at all beyond being a mom. Only because I believe being a mom is the most important job in the world. Others have said, “You are a teacher, a daughter, a sister, an aunt…” but in my mind, being a mom was my ultimate goal in life, and I did not want to ‘half-ass’ the job! I have said for a long time I am not good at a lot of things, but two things I can claim are:

1. I am a good teacher

2. I am a good mom

I put almost all of my energy into these things over the years. I’m really hoping my former students and my children will agree. Now that my kids are adults, I am actively trying to find myself again!

Sean, a father of two, said this.
I have been thinking about this for a while. The short answer is that I am a lot of things to a lot of other people as well. And I am still trying to figure myself out at the same time.

I am a friend, a husband, a brother, a son, a nephew, a teacher, a co-worker, and many more. In many ways, most people, myself included, classify ourselves based on our relationships with the outside world and what is expected or needed of us. Many times, that’s fine and more than enough to handle, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t answer the question of who we are when we are all alone and can focus solely on who and what we are individually.

We are a collective culture when we are at our best. We are meant to be social creatures. People tend to feel happiest when they know their roles in their community and feel supported by or feel they can support others in that community.

People want to be able to answer that question of “Who am I when I’m all alone?” It is such a big question that seems to validate individuals, especially in an age of social media and the pursuit of “me,” many people, myself included.

I’m very much still in the process of finding out who I am by myself. It used to be a terrifying question that I felt bad I didn’t have a good answer to. I used to put a lot of validation in sports and things like being part of theater groups. But when those things ended, where did that leave me? Both of those things are collective cultures; I couldn’t really hide behind those aspects.

Having kids has helped me feel more purposeful in life, even with how difficult it can be to be a decent parent day-in and day-out. But I can’t rely on them for my sense of self.

I have often heard that being a parent is the greatest experience in life, and I have no doubt that is true. However, your identity shouldn’t be limited to just being a parent–because it wasn’t your sole identity before you had kids, and it shouldn’t be after. You are still you on the inside.