3 Little Secrets Of The People Who Say ‘No’ And Don’t Feel Bad About It

It’s hard to say “no” to other people’s expectations without feeling bad about it. Fortunately there are ways to learn how to say “no” that will take you a long way.

These tools are especially valuable if you grew up in a home where there were a lot of “shoulds” given to you:

• You should be happy
• You should be grateful
• You should be “feminine” (or “masculine”)
• You shouldn’t let people down or disappoint them

Yes, you genuinely want to be loving, caring, grateful, and helpful to others. But, you’re also exhausted due to all this social “should” conditioning and tip-toeing around people’s feelings. You’re saying “yes” to others when you want to say “no” and that will wear you down.

Here are tree ways people learn to say ‘no’ without feeling bad about it 

1. They start small

Those people who are kind and respectful but confident when they say “no”? They started small, declining and taking a pass on things that are less emotionally fraught.

Try this: Look at your calendar on Saturday for the following week. Is there an activity that you’d rather not do? Decline it. Just one.

Bonus: Take that time and do something for yourself. Read a book. Watch a show. Play with your kids. Hit the gym. Stare into space. Take a nap. Do you. Reward yourself for taking care of your own needs first.

Therapist Lianne Avila explained how taking care of your needs is a daily practice, “Setting aside time just for you is one of the best things you can do for yourself, even if it’s only 10 minutes. You’re allowing yourself to have a nurturing experience. This doesn’t mean you aren’t being productive or that you’re being selfish. Unfortunately, society has taught you that.”

2. They do not explain

This is one of the hardest challenges to overcome, because when we are uncomfortable we tend to talk mindlessly until someone else relieves the tension. But it’s OK to just say, “I can’t this week” or “I’m not available” and move on.

You owe no one an explanation of your “no.” Humans are all very self-focused creatures. The reality is most people are not thinking about you as much as you think they are because they’re thinking of themselves.

Most people will move on from your “no” without much of a thought, so let them. However, Not explaining yourself can become more challenging the closer the relationship is.

Remember, you teach people how to treat you. Be firm in not explaining yourself, but don’t make a big deal out of it. If the other person does persist with the need for an explanation, a quick remark of, “Why are you so hung up on this?” can work wonders.

No one wants to be called out as hung up on whether you will make it to virtual book club this month.

3. They do a root cause analysis

People who say “no” with confidence have already analyzed the root causes and the potential outcomes. That’s why they’re so confident that they’re making a good choice.

What is a root cause analysis? “Root cause analysis helps identify what, how, and why something happened, thus preventing recurrence. Root causes are underlying, reasonably identifiable, can be controlled by management, and allow for the generation of recommendations. The process involves data collection, cause charting, root cause identification, and recommendation generation and implementation,” as defined by an article in Quality Progres Journal.

It sounds like work, but what it means is that you get into a pattern of saying “yes” to others and ignoring your desires because, on some level, it serves you to do so. This seems counterintuitive, but it’s true. One example is seeking the approval of others.

Perhaps, when you were younger, you got the impression that to be liked or admired or gain attention, you had to be agreeable. Being agreeable and “going with the flow” meant you would have someone to sit with at lunch or you would get invited to the party.

Something good would happen if you just said “yes” — so you prioritized saying “yes!” But as an adult, the same strategies for keeping yourself safe and cared for are not as effective.

It might take a little work, but learning to say ‘no’ without guilt is worth it

Take some time to think about what you might be gaining from your current behavior and what other ways you could give yourself the same affirmation.

Psychotherapist Kitty Robison explained one way she helps her clients, “Reflective soul work is a technique where you look in the mirror and repeat positive affirmations to yourself, preferably daily. This not only helps you love and believe in yourself but it boosts self-esteem and confidence. How often do you really look at yourself and send love and positivity our way? Don’t wait on others to do this for you! Grab a mirror and get to work.”

Following these steps is a great way to start incorporating more “nos” into your life. It will not work every time, and that’s OK. There will be times when you still end up saying “yes” when you would rather say “no” because life is rarely that clear-cut.

But with a little practice, you will be making those decisions consciously and with reason, not just to meet others’ expectations of you.