How to Build Trust

Kali admits to having an emotional affair with a co-worker. Though she and her partner Joel have, by and large, worked through it, Joel still feels he can’t fully trust her and insists on being able to look at her phone.

Mark has started a new job, and though he has a lot of experience in his field, feels that his supervisor, Karen, doesn’t trust that he knows what he’s doing and is constantly sending emails requesting updates on his progress. Eric and Sara have had ongoing struggles over household chores, with Eric feeling that he is doing the heavy lifting. While Sara has done a better up of stepping up, Eric is constantly and annoyingly reminding her.

What is trust? A feeling of confidence that another person is and will be truthful, capable of doing what they say they can do, or reliable and can be counted on to follow through with their commitment.

Its opposite, distrust, is always driven by anxiety—the worry about honesty, capability, and reliability—anxiety that often leads to control and micromanaging, precisely what Kali, Mark, and Sara are each feeling.

This tug of war between anxiety and feeling micromanaged can quickly turn into ongoing battles over power, who deserves what, whose reality is right, passive-aggressive behavior, or accumulating resentments that eventually come to a head. To avoid this from happening and build the trust needed to put this to rest means lowering the driving anxiety of the distrusting person. Here’s how to do it:

Step back and assess the situation

Kali realize that Joel, understandably, still has reasons to be distrustful. Mark has worked at new jobs before and knows supervisors are more micromanaging until they can lean back and see consistent results.

Sara knows that she hasn’t been reliable in the past, that Eric gets a bit obsessive when stressed, and is not surprised that he is having trouble letting go. This is the reality check.

Change the story: It’s about anxiety, not control

If Kali feels like she’s being treated like a teenager, Mark like a novice, or Sara like she can never get out of the doghouse, they will eventually get fed up and resentful.

Instead, they need to change the story they’re telling themselves by focusing less on the control they feel and more on the other who is anxious. This way of thinking gets them out of that one-down, feeling-like-a-little-kid position and allows them to view the other person as someone who is understandably struggling with their emotions.

Doing this sidesteps the urge to push back or slip into passive-aggressive behavior—Kali hiding her phone, Mark ignoring emails, or Sara doing a lousy job on the chores.

By helping reduce the other’s anxiety, rather than trying to shake off their control, they can be more considerate and empathic, which, in turn, lowers anxiety and builds trust.

Go offense and provide lots of information

Joel, Karen, and Eric’s anxiety drives their need for information, hence the phone checking, emails, and reminders, but fuels the emotional tug-of-war and Kali, Mark, and Sara’s resentment.

Again, to break the cycle, Kali, Mark, and Sara want to step up and control the process by giving the other information before they ask for it—Kali leaving her phone out, Mark sending emails on a steady basis to Karen to let her know what he’s doing, Sara letting Eric know that she will clean the bathroom tomorrow after work. This creates win-win compromises—Kali, Mark, and Sara show the reliability and honesty the others seek while making the relationship dynamic more equal.

Negotiate, stay focused on goals

But if the situation still feels unbalanced, it’s time to negotiate balanced compromises. Here, Kali says she feels she has no phone privacy and asks Joel for other ways she can help him feel more trusting. Mark tells his supervisor that her emails distract him from his work and wonders if they could schedule weekly check-in meetings.

Sara proposes that she and Eric sit down and devise a chore list and deadline schedule they can both agree on. Again, the aim here is not to dismiss the other’s anxiety but to acknowledge it and shape it to fit your concerns as well.

And what if this doesn’t work?

It’s been a year, and Joel is still emotional, insecure, and demanding; ditto for Mark’s supervisor or Eric. The issue now is less about trust and more about what keeps the problem going. Maybe there are other problems in the relationship that are not being addressed, or there are individual core issues—the other’s generalized anxiety or controlling nature.

If you’ve been doing your best to build trust and lower their anxiety, and it’s not working, the problem is back in your court. You have two options: Be more direct about what you see as problems in the relationship and your need for change, or stop trying and leave. Difficult decisions, regardless, but it’s a time for action. Staying and hoping it will somehow get better is rarely a good idea.

Trust is a relationship problem, and like most relationship problems, the challenges are being empathic toward the other rather than dismissive, focusing on the other’s anxiety rather than control, and accommodating as best you can without ignoring your emotions or compromising your values.

Be clear, empathic, proactive, and willing to compromise; then you’re done.