6 Strategies for High Conflict Couples

When a high-conflict relationship enters my office, I usually point it out immediately. This is because it is impossible to heal and grow before you accept the reality of your situation. Otherwise, instead of developing new tools for connecting, you go round and round with the same old list of upsets.

If you feel stuck, unheard, and walk constantly on eggshells, then you and your partner are likely living with the stress of a chronic emotional crisis. As a result, feelings are pulsing; you can’t think clearly, and perspective is out of reach. If you learn to manage conflict differently you may find you feel better and closer to your partner even after a disagreement. The problem: Couples are very resistant to doing what needs to be done to initiate this new pattern.

In my experience, couples who improve always have two things in common: They accept that they are in a high-conflict relationship and each comes to recognize that they must focus on changing themselves.

Take a moment to consider whether your relationship is high-conflict and pick an area that you are willing to change on your own.

1. Put your sword down: As couples lower their blades, that is to say, let go of their upset long enough to hear their partner’s upset, the dynamic shifts. For many, this act and then prioritizing what your partner has to say over yourself, feels like giving in, like being a doormat, like agreeing to things that don’t feel true or right to you. In reality, putting your sword down doesn’t mean any of these things. It means switching mental sets, and actively listening to understand your partner’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you have forgotten your own perspective. It does mean connecting with how your partner feels rather than the facts of what may or may not have occurred between the two of you. Genuinely trying to understand their distress or experience of you makes all of the difference.
2. Halt Hostile Communication: When people don’t speak in mature ways and when they don’t actively work to deeply hear one another, they grow, with time, increasingly hostile. This hostility often emerges by way of passive-aggressive behaviors and nonverbal communication—eye-rolling, sarcastic comments, and true feelings disguised as jokes. Do away with all of that. Commit to no longer engaging in these tactics that in the short term feel like a release but in the long term push your partner further away.
3. Build Insight: Do a deep dive into yourself; examine what you know to be true that you defend, hide, or feel shame about. Everyone has baggage and issues that play out in their intimate relationships. There is no shame in this fact. The key, however, is to know what your issues are and to accept them as real points of growth. Consider what has repeated for you with close others. Are you obsessive or controlling? Do you overly accommodate or expect things your way all of the time? Do you not take care of yourself or expect everyone else to take care of you? Are you a procrastinator or a micromanager? Deeply consider what core work on yourself needs to happen and commit to doing this work.
4. Develop Active Listening: When your partner speaks of their upset with you, drop your sword. Don’t think about what you are going to say in response, your rationalization, your defense. Just listen with the intention of understanding. This doesn’t mean they are right or wrong. You just want to understand their underlying feelings and emotions. Put in words what you hear and reflect it back.
5. Take Authentic Responsibility: When you hear things that strike on the thing you see as a problem about yourself from #2, own it: “You’re right; I am overly critical, and I need to work on that.”
6. Build Joy: When couples are stuck in the high conflict zone, joy is choked out of their lives. Without shared activities that bring joy, couples start to build their identity around the conflict. It becomes how they relate, how they spend time together, and what they think about when not in the presence of the other. As much as you might not want to do something fun with your partner at this moment, initiate a regular activity that you can talk about, enjoy, and eventually look forward to. When doing said activity, commit to yourself that you are not going to engage in hostile communication or bring up your points of irritation.

As you start a new pattern and commit to it, no matter how your partner reacts, you will find yourself becoming less defeated and stuck. Either your relationship will grow, or you will grow as an individual, either way, your path forward becomes clearer.