Frequent Apology as a Symptom of Childhood Parental Trauma
Frequent inappropriate apologizing is often a learned behavior in response to a specific form of persistent childhood mistreatment. In many people, this symptom may be the result of being raised by a parent who frequently shifts the blame for unwanted outcomes towards the child. The impact of being blamed for outcomes that the child cannot control is magnified when the child is either gaslighted or punished for not accepting the blame. Frequent apologizing is a coping mechanism developed to avoid punishment or gaslighting by taking the blame without protest. While the proactive taking of blame might mitigate punishment in some circumstances, it does so at the cost of retraumatization. It makes you sicker every time you do it. Healing from this type of childhood trauma requires recognition that disarming oneself by taking the blame for unwanted outcomes, leads to poor outcomes in adulthood. Healthier, more mature, coping mechanisms can then be utilized.
Good parents hold their children responsible for their choices and actions. This empowers children to make good choices so that they can achieve desired outcomes. Compromised parents, such as those suffering from symptoms of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders, blame their children for unwanted outcomes regardless of whether or not the child has control. This is not done to help the child build character. It is done by the parent to avoid taking responsibility for errors or bad outcomes. Following is a typical example.
Barry’s Story
Barry had been looking forward to middle school graduation all year. One of the parents threw a big party for the whole class. They were providing a bus to a hall they had rented for the evening. The bus would depart on schedule at 6 PM. Barry was worried that his mother would get him to the bus late and he would miss the party.
Barry reminded his mother a few days before how important it was for him to be on time. She responded in an agitated tone, “You are so selfish. All you can think about is yourself and your stupid party. You are so ungrateful.”
On the day of the party, Barry was a nervous wreck. He was afraid that his mother would not get him to the bus on time, but he also was afraid that if he said anything to her, she would lash out at him as she did before.
When it came time to leave for the party he found his mother on the telephone. He signaled to her, but she ignored him. He stood in front of her waiting and she went into her room and closed the door. Barry got himself ready and watched the clock for 20 minutes before she came out of her bedroom and told him that she was ready to drive him. In the car, he said nothing to her. He hoped that the bus somehow had been delayed and would still be there when they arrived. He was crestfallen when they reached the bus stop and it was barren.
On the way back home in the car, Barry told his mother that he was very sad and disappointed about missing the event. They had the following conversation.
Mom: Don’t blame me that you missed your stupid party.
Barry: I am sure that most of the other students made the bus on time.
Mom: This is your fault. Your nagging me about it all week stressed me out.
Barry: I think we missed the bus because you were on the phone with your friend for too long.
Mom: You ungrateful little brat. I make the effort to get you to your stupid party and this is how you treat me.
Barry: We missed the bus.
Mom: I was talking to my friend about how stressed out you made me. I wish you were never born.
Barry: Sorry.
Mom: You ruined my whole week.
Barry: I am sorry.
Mom: You ruined my whole life.
Barry: Sorry.
Mom: Having children was the biggest mistake of my life.
Barry: Sorry.
Mom: You better be.
Barry repeatedly told his mother he was sorry because he knew it was the only way to stop her from lashing out at him. From experience, he knew that trying to hold his mother responsible for any unwanted outcomes resulted in her making herself the victim and lashing out at him. The only way to stop her was to say he was sorry, even though the only thing he was actually remorseful about was relying on her for something time-sensitive and important to him. He would try to avoid this situation in the future.
Barry learned from consistently being treated this way as a child that when unwanted outcomes occur, the only way he can avoid verbal abuse is to get ahead of it and apologize profusely. He generalized this in all of his relationships, even though most of his relationships are not abusive.
Profusive apologies for outcomes that are not his fault have had a deleterious effect on all of his relationships. Some people take advantage of him to avoid their responsibilities. Most people lose respect for him as this way of relating conveys weakness and subordination. It also deteriorates his sense of self-worth and self-confidence because he enters all disagreements and conflicts accepting that he is wrong.
Healing from these wounds of childhood as an adult will require him to commit to not accepting other’s lashing out at him under any circumstances. As a child, he could not escape his relationship with a parent suffering from a personality disorder. As an adult, he no longer has to tolerate it. His healing and growth have depended on a commitment to himself, if others lash out at him he will either stop the aggression or end the relationship. He then will be free to take responsibility for errors that he makes, but not for the errors of others.