10 charming ways to attract literally anyone to you, according to psychology

The funny thing I learned is that social awkwardness is a sign you care about others. You want to get it right. You want to be accepted. Thankfully, years of blunders taught me a lot about human behavior and what works when it comes to attracting others to you.

Here are 10 charming ways to attract literally anyone to you, according to psychology: 

1. Stop trying to be someone you are not

Fakeness can be smelt. The cool thing about this is you’re now free of all the pressure that comes with thinking of a hundred clever things to say that you would never have said in the first place. Force less and watch your confidence appear.

According to research from The National Library of Medicine, a great deal of human emotion arises in response to natural, anticipated, remembered, or imagined rejection by others. Of course, self-perception of one’s relational value is sometimes inaccurate, and a good deal of research has examined instances in which people underestimate or overestimate their relational value in other people’s eyes.

2. Be a ‘take your time’ mover

Move with the pace of a sloth. Ok, maybe a little quicker than that. It’s not just about taking your time; it’s about making every action deliberate. You’re not just walking; you’re gliding through life. This pace gives you more time to think, calms everyone around you, and demonstrates that you don’t rush for anyone.

3. Give compliments like no one else

Give specific and unexpected compliments, like commenting on someone’s choice of socks. It might be weird and make you feel a little exposed, but it shows you’re paying attention to the details others miss. People love this, and it shows how perceptive you can be.

Research from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin showed that compliment-givers underestimated how good their compliments would make people feel. In other words, people who received the compliments felt happier, more pleased, and flattered than the compliment-giver predicted. The researchers also found that compliment-givers were in a better mood after delivering a compliment. They reported they would be more likely to compliment a stranger in the future.

4. Occasionally slip into the shadows

Occasionally, disappear. Not in a dramatic, “I’m off to find myself” way, but in a “I might be here, I might not” kind of way. It’s like playing hide and seek with your social circle. They’ll wonder if you’ve become a monk to pursue the answers to life’s tougher questions (or if you were hit by a bus). This lack of presence and availability will pull people in.

5. Ask more questions

Instead of babbling endlessly about yourself and your problems, ask more questions. Redirect the focus to others. People love talking about themselves, and you become the sage who knows more than most and remains mysterious.

Harvard University researchers conducted experiments to assess how much people liked talking about themselves and why. In one study, they scanned people’s brains while those people either revealed personal information about themselves or judged the personalities or opinions of others. In another experiment, researchers tested whether people preferred to answer questions about themselves, other people, or neutral facts — participants got differing levels of monetary compensation depending on the question they chose.

Yet another study explored whether people wanted to share their answers with others or keep them to themselves. No matter the test, the researchers found the same results: humans get a biochemical buzz from self-disclosure.

6. Be unpredictable

Being expected gets boring. You want to be memorable by breaking patterns of behaviour. Occasionally, do something out of character. Maybe you’re known for your punctuality, but one day, you’re fashionably late. Keep them guessing.

7. Limit what you share about yourself

Share less about yourself, but when you do, make it count. It can be tempting to tell all, but you need some self-control here. No one deserves to know all your secrets. Keep much of it to yourself and turn your attention to others. This will also reduce any unnecessary anxiety because the spotlight isn’t always on you. Think of yourself as a limited edition collectable. Rarity increases value. It’s as simple as that.

Many studies from the American Psychological Association have shown that other people probably aren’t thinking about your disclosure as much as you are. A phenomenon dubbed “the beautiful mess effect ” states that we generally view our displays of vulnerability more negatively than those of others.

8. Stay uncommonly calm

Social situations can test every one of us. There are many opportunities here to get flustered or annoyed by what others say. This is where you remain calm. The calmest person in the room invites respect because it is not always easy to do. This, like many of these other habits, is a practice that improves over time.

Research conducted with more than a million people found that 90% of top performers are skilled at managing their emotions in times of stress to remain calm and in control. The tricky thing about stress is that it’s an essential emotion. Our brains are wired such that it’s challenging to take action until we feel at least some level of this emotional state. Performance peaks under the heightened activation that comes with moderate levels of stress.

9. Hold eye contact

Hold eye contact just a tad longer than is comfortable. Not in a creepy way, but in a way that says, “I see you, and I’m not looking away.” See this as a fun challenge as you talk to people. It allows you to see into the window of their souls — this tickles many.

Extensive research has shown that others’ gaze direction affects an observer’s attention. Direct gaze has been shown to induce attention orienting toward faces for a critical view regarding the results from visual search studies. However, seeing another individual with a gaze directed away from oneself triggers the re-orienting of one’s visuospatial attention in the gazed-at direction.

10. Give off an aura of ambition

Live like you’re on a mission, even if it’s just to find the best coffee in town. This doesn’t mean you need to rush around like a headless hyena. You move with purpose and intention. There’s little hesitation, although you can be as present as you like. This gives off an aura of purpose, making you seem like you’re always on the verge of discovering something monumental.