What’s Really Going On in “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Facebook Groups?
“If you have any romantic involvement with this man at all, I would strongly suggest getting as far away from him as possible,” said TikToker Jenny Rhodes in a video she posted in February that now has over 367,000 views. “I have never met someone so manipulative in my life.” Rhodes was referring to her then-husband, a man whom she has since divorced, who, according to this video, cheated on her with dozens of women shortly after they were married.
Rhodes isn’t the only woman who has sent out a PSA like this—and TikTok isn’t the only app where you can find stories like these. Women are finding their partners in city-specific Facebook groups dedicated to sharing information about men who are unfaithful, abusive, or untrustworthy.
If you’re a single woman in the dating pool—especially if you’re dating men—you’ve probably heard of the one in your city. And if you’re chronically online, you’ve definitely seen a TikTok storytime or two about someone finding their husband or boyfriend on one of these pages.
But how do these groups even work, and are they really worth joining if you’re worried your partner might be cheating? We investigated.
What are “Are We Dating The Same Guy” Facebook groups?
According to The Independent, “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups started in New York City as a way for women to post about the people they’re dating—usually a cisgender man—and check to see if they were single.
Since then, the purpose of the groups has morphed from checking a potential partner’s availability to exposing serial cheaters, calling out abusive ex-partners, and even catching dating app catfishes. Just like in Rhodes’ video, where she identifies specific locations where her ex might be located, women in different cities use the group to protect other women in their area with every post.
The groups function like the inverse of a dating app: instead of showing options for potential matches, the community-driven feed shows a list of guys you should not date.
Like any Facebook group, “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups have community rules and guidelines. To prevent doxxing and defamation, most groups require that all posts only identify the “guy” with a photo and a first name. Everyone who wants to join the group is required to apply, and sharing any content outside of the group is strictly forbidden to protect the members’ safety.
The groups function like the inverse of a dating app: instead of showing options for potential matches, the community-driven feed shows a list of guys you should not date.
Why do “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Groups Exist?
Cyberpsychologist Jocelyn Brewer says that “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” groups exist because dating, especially in the digital age, can feel wildly uncertain. “Being able to confirm an inkling about infidelity and understand the depth of it can be empowering for people when dating and romantic intimacy can feel so out of control,” she said. Imagine you were unsure about a new romantic partner and a video like Rhodes’ saying “I would not feel safe around this man” on your FYP, or a post about how terrible he is—it would serve as all the confirmation you need to end the relationship.
Before you jump to any conclusions about the kind of conversations and public takedowns that are going on in these groups, know that if a member posts about a guy who’s truly decent, the group will sing his praises. “If there’s a nice guy who is posted, women will come out of the woodwork to let you know,” said TikToker @notkahnjunior in an explainer video.
…if a member posts about a guy who’s truly decent, the group will sing his praises.
Are women actually catching cheaters in these groups?
Short answer: yes. Long answer: yes, and the effects are far more wide-reaching than the end of a few relationships or a handful of women dodging creeps. Some women are being contacted about their partners being posted in these Facebook groups even if they themselves have not joined the group.
This happened to Desiree Westman, who is documenting her experience with her cheating husband on TikTok. In her original video explaining the situation, she said, “I just saw a message this morning in my TikTok from a girl who knows my husband asking if I had posted him in the ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ Facebook group in my area…no, not dating him, just married to him!”
Beyond spreading outside of the confines of Facebook and into other corners of the internet, several defamation lawsuits have been brought (and dismissed) against “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” groups.
One of the most noteworthy was the case brought by Nikko D’Ambrosio against the “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Chicago Facebook group after he was posted in the group, which @notkahnjunior highlighted in her video. Ultimately, the lawsuit was dismissed, and D’Ambrosio has since been convicted of tax fraud in an unrelated case.
Some of the “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” groups have even been reported to Facebook and shut down, while others have been used to find men who abandoned their wives. Clearly “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” is now about much more than, well, whether or not we’re dating the same guy.
It’s about seeking and finding community in the modern digital dating scene, which on its own can feel more than a little bit isolating. The groups have become both a necessary way for women to protect each other and a source of major chaos in people’s personal lives.
Are “Are We Dating The Same Guy” groups worth joining?
No matter how healthy of a relationship you’re in, fears of infidelity can always creep in. Social media is sprinkled with dramatic examples of painful dating stories—including the ones highlighted in this article.
According to @notkahnjunior, there’s no risk to joining a “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook group if you don’t have a shady track record in your own dating history. “You have nothing to worry about with these if you have never been shady to women,” she said in her explainer TikTok.
However, the internet still has very tangible impacts on mental health, and at the end of the day, it does benefit platforms like TikTok and Facebook to sow distrust via viral stories of cheating. Because of this, exercising healthy social media boundaries is essential as you work through relationship and dating anxiety.
The groups have become both a necessary way for women to protect each other and a source of major chaos in people’s personal lives.
“The very existence of digital communication tools can spark anxiety and compulsion to seek out information and go down stalkerish rabbit holes that often lead to hurt and confusion,” said Brewer. So, no, you don’t need to worry about joining an “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” group…but you do need to be able to acknowledge if you’re feeling extra anxious about infidelity due to witnessing the sheer number of takedowns in the group.
What to do if you do find your partner in an “Are We Dating The Same Guy” group
In case you’ve found yourself in the midst of a John Tucker Must Die-level scandal on an “Are We Dating The Same Guy” Facebook group, there are ways to cope. Here’s what the experts recommend in case you discover the worst about your partner via the internet.
Acknowledge your gut instincts
First, acknowledge the fact that you were actively searching for proof of infidelity online—meaning you knew in your gut that something was wrong. “If you found out your partner is cheating via one of these groups, you knew something wasn’t right beforehand,” said Jennifer Teplin, LCSW and Founder of Manhattan Wellness. “Listen to your gut, respect yourself, and hold your partner to a standard that makes you proud.” Recognize that your gut feelings were correct, and give yourself credit for that.
Since posting the initial TikTok about her ex-husband that went viral, Rhodes has filled her page with the red flags that came up while they were dating. She wonders aloud why she chose to get married so young, shares what it’s like to uncover painful truths about her ex after the fact, and more. Like Rhodes, recognizing the fact that your gut instinct was correct can be hugely helpful in starting the healing process.
Lean on your real-life support system
On the internet, it can be tempting to seek comfort, support, and confirmation of your feelings from people who don’t know you IRL. This is especially true of Facebook groups like “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” which are certainly communities…but only online. In order to avoid falling into further toxic relationships, Dr. Brewer recommends leaning on your real-life friends and family as much as possible. “Be careful of trauma bonding in the group and feeling overly connected because of your shared experience,” she warns.
At the end of the day, neither “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” nor the internet at large are big enough support systems to help you through a dramatic, painful breakup. Share your story, but share it with caution, and don’t be afraid of leaning on your friends for support. As cathartic as it may feel to call your ex out online, remember that there are people in your real life who can and will be there for you when you need them to be.
Seek professional support
The very nature of dating in the digital age (and dating online) has made it even easier to overthink your personal relationships—so when you go through something like finding a cheating partner on the internet, it’s important to ensure that you have the correct coping skills. “With the internet, there is the ability to call out to others to seek information and in these groups the (sometimes hard to assure) promise of solidarity, confidentiality, and sisterhood around the situation,” Brewer says. “Getting professional help to reconcile the situation, learn from it, and bounce forward is always helpful for those who might find themselves stuck.” If you’re unsure of how to cut ties or move on without the help of those in the Facebook group, talking to a professional is a great first step.