What Is “Tonic” Masculinity and Why It Matters
Recent public expressions of masculinity by men like Tim Walz or Pete Buttigieg have garnered a lot of attention in recent weeks.
In online spaces, I have read many posts about how their behaviours, life actions, words, and values are models of positive or “tonic” masculinity. Many women have pointed out that these expressions are good models of masculinity in a cultural moment when it feels that these models are sparse.
In this way, these expressions seem to offer a vision of masculinity that is in sharp distinction from other more hyper-aggressive or resentful forms of masculinity.
Rooted in some of my clinical experience working with many male clients, here are some ideas of what “tonic” masculinity is and means, and why it may offer men productive and healing alternatives to what often appears as “toxic” and hyperbolic expressions of masculinity, particularly in online spaces.
1. Embodying and expanding stereotypical “manhood” or male roles
One striking note about men like Walz and Buttigieg is how heavily they lean into and reflect stereotypical male models like the military man or football coach.
In many circles today, these identities are sharply criticized as bastions of male privilege or toxic masculinity. There is, of course, no shortage of stories about abuses of power by men in these positions, seemingly acting out adolescent fantasies in positions of power.
The consequence of these revised visions of once perhaps valued identities and careers has been to, as they say, throw the baby out with the bathwater.
In my practice I have treated many men in law enforcement or other such positions who carry great shame about the roles they inhabit, feeling publicly judged and culturally undervalued. Not wanting to “become toxic,” some men I have spoken with describe aversions to joining such professions even though they may bring great integrity to the positions.
Seeing men like Walz or Buttigieg inhabit these roles unabashedly gives young people an important and revised vision of these roles in a new and expanded light. A football coach, for example, can be competitive, engaged, and even ruthless as a strategist and at the same time lead and support and gay-straight alliance at the high school.
By inhabiting both, men like Walz offer a much more flexible and heterodox vision of modern manhood that is often witnessed on YouTube or Discord. Most importantly, it shows that stereotypical male traits like competitiveness are not treated or diluted by the incorporation of more seemingly feminine traits like empathy and inclusion.
2. Recognizing the value of past traditions without denigrating the present and “progress”
One incorrect view of progress and modernity, I believe, is that it means a renunciation and denigration of the past. This is often experienced in the contemporary discourses of masculinity, which often pit past expressions of gender or values as inherently damaging and irredeemable.
As a result, we are seeing a resurgence of reactive forms of gender expression like hyper-masculinity or “trad wife” as ways to reclaim what many feel is cultural dismissal of past values like courage, valor, and strength.
Psychologically, this process is called “splitting,” where life is reduced to simplistic binaries of good and bad that reflect our early infancy and brain development.
For instance, it is often easier for us as a species to identify abuses in past institutions such as churches or sports organizations and dismiss them entirely as structurally toxic.
This is something I often see now with my male clients in positions of authority who are anxious and guilt-ridden about occupying these positions for fear of repeating past injustices or abuses.
A little guilt or conscience here is helpful to mindfully occupy these roles, but expressions of assertion are not necessarily and inherently toxic or “patriarchal.” Again, in men like Walz, we may see signs of old masculine values and virtues such as strength, courage, and conviction, without the seemingly linked traits of abuse and manipulation.
Indeed, Joe Biden’s decision to step down from power is an incredible model of this kind of soft or mature masculinity that embodies a leadership style that resists narcissism and is able to withstand the inevitable blows to the ego and pride as a result.
3. Rejecting resentment and embracing vulnerable or the “depressive position”
When I hear or witness a lot of male grievance in some online spaces, I see men beset by resentment and a projection and disavowal of real suffering underneath.
For instance, in the now infamous “cat lady” comments by JD Vance, my clinical view sees a grievance rooted in resentment from changes to gender dynamics and power in the last several decades. These empirical shifts have left many men feeling uprooted and displaced from traditional roles and paths.
This kind of feeling is not unusual in my practice and is not on its own unfounded or to be judged. However, what can become dangerous or “toxic” is when these feelings become projected outward and applied resentfully to wide groups of people indiscriminately.
While we can get a lot of mileage from grievance and resentment politically, psychologically, this does not help. It reinforces a split in the personality and doesn’t allow the truth of the emotions to come out to the psyche to be resolved.
To echo the work of the psychologist Melanie Klein, what we need to do is move toward the depressive position, a mature stance that acknowledges that the world may not be what it was or what we naively want it to be.
The recognition, for instance, that industrial jobs in the Midwest have disappeared and male identities have been challenged as a result is a hard and difficult thing to acknowledge and is painful.
Casting blame and projecting this suffering outward, however, will not ultimately heal this pain. A “tonic” masculinity, I believe, would be a masculinity strong enough and able to acknowledge and own this vulnerability as one’s own, and not as a result of conspiratorial forces beyond the self.