9 painfully brutal truths about thinking you can fix a man
Taste your food before you reach for the salt shaker. Buy the clothes that fit you today. Hating someone who has what you want will never get you what they have. Before buying that dress in the color that’s the new black, see if it looks better in black. (It does.) Next time you think there’s nothing to do, read a book. Don’t believe everything you think. (That’s from a bumper sticker, not me, but it’s solid.)
If I can impart any wisdom to you in this life, besides the above, it’s this: As a rule, everyone likes to think they’re the exception to the rule. And nowhere does this come into play with someone who’s dating or drawn to dating a fixer. We all fancy ourselves as stars of our life’s movie or the protagonist in a grand adventure. We all claim we want a happy relationship, but the narrative line, “I met a great man/woman and things worked out as we navigated life’s ups and downs together,” just doesn’t feel epic, huh? And some of us crave the epic. That struggle will be real if it kills us. We want to climb the Kilimanjaro people and live to tell the tale.
So, we fall for fixers. There are, of course, different types, and some people are only fixers temporarily, or mild fixers. Benign fixer types: These are the guys who maybe still live with a tumult of smelly roommates, wear white socks with dress clothes, only eat whatever monstrosity of a burger Carl’s Jr. has, of late, shoved into the mouth of a model. Or, they might have slightly bigger things going on: a rough time dealing with their family, trouble figuring out if they’re on the right career path, or insecurity after one too many heartbreaks. To this, I say, you have to decide what you’re willing to work with. You can positively influence habits (my husband is 25 pounds lighter than when we met thanks to my encouragement of better food and exercise), or make suggestions (“You’d look so attractive in that suit … with black socks.”)
Still, you need to have feelings for the person you are now. Enter cautiously if you’re looking at the person as all potential because your love alone won’t guide them into the perfect job or fix their family problems. But if they’re someone who works hard and tries at his or her career or someone who is kind and good-hearted but facing an uphill family battle, remember that you, too, are imperfect. We’re all fixers for life, in that sense. Who I want to warn you away from are the malignant fixers. This is a scarier type altogether. There are obvious problems: drinking or drug addiction, a history of abuse, and untreated mental disorders. I’d advise you not to go there.
You may anyway and you may be putting yourself in true danger. I honestly can’t navigate that for you with my skill set. I’ve fallen for the malignant fixers and I’m here to warn you about the emotional fixer. They are a world of hurt and you want to be a satellite, orbiting them, gravitationally pulled to them, absorbed into their earth until there’s nothing left of you.
These people are likely an assortment of the above issues. They’re unhappy, they have baggage (familial, career, past relationships, the works), they may abuse alcohol or drugs, and they may have reputations that precede them as players or collectors. They might be charming, and seductive. They might seem to “get” you, magnifying whatever issues you may have in your life, and say they’re just like their own. Most importantly, they seem to need you, especially when they’re telling you they don’t need anyone. And you, as the lead in this story, want to gently unwrap them until they know they are loved as they are. I’ll say it again, world of hurt.
Here are 9 extremely brutal truths about thinking you can “fix” a man:
1. No one changes because of someone else
Change does come from within. They probably do like you; they might even mean it when they say they want to change for you. But think about a change you made: Was it for someone else, or ultimately, for you? Cynical as this is, I don’t believe anyone changes altogether, ever. We just learn how to live with ourselves as we are.
People can end addictions and get past emotional damage. But I’m with Rose Kennedy, who said, “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers it with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” I think the same is true for what’s at the core of us. When we change, we’re just bringing out a different version of ourselves that’s always existed.
2. Fixers know how to find you
It’s a mystery to me how this works but the fixer seems like fate when they just have a radar for the people who will take them in. If you’re someone who’s with a fixer, chances are you’ve been there before. Chances are also good that you’re pretty great at doing things for yourself, being independent, and having goals and direction. The fixer is drawn to your competence. But you have a weakness when it comes to being needed or thinking that someone needs you. You’ll have to work hard to be the version of yourself who can resist them.
3. When they make themselves available, they’re available
This is when they hook you. Because when they want to, fixers can (and do) open up, or seem to, even if they’re just telling you their side of their story. (Fixers often aren’t to blame for their woes; there’s always something or someone that screwed them over.) But they’re that irresistible warm summer rain; the sky grows heavy as you wait for it and when it finally comes, you just want to turn your face up to the storm and let it pour down on you. It’s nice sometimes, but then a cold wind blows and you end up shivering, wet, and unsheltered.
4. They stink at the hard stuff
Theirs, and yours. As I said, their myriad issues are often someone else’s fault. And when a life crisis pops up — work’s bad or a family member is shutting them out — they might unload without really bringing you into the problem. They also want to detach from you at these points, making you push harder to be close (because people in love help each other in times of need). Likewise, when you have a real crisis, they’re there in the most perfunctory of manners. But ultimately, they don’t know how to help you if it takes too much energy from them.
5. They take more than they give
They might be great lovers; they might say all the right things; they might even occasionally demonstrate affection with a thoughtful gesture. But they want credit for all of these things, even if it’s only in their minds, where they tell themselves they tried. Fixers ultimately don’t want to be fixed; they just want you to see them as better than they are. So, even when they’re giving, they’re taking. Believing the best of someone even when they suddenly flake on plans, withdraw into a moody funk, or can’t be there for the hard stuff — that’s giving and it’s hard to keep doing when there’s no return.
6. You won’t know how to love them because they don’t know how to be loved
One second, you’re thinking you should be a fountain of unconditional love. The next, you’re thinking you need to be a drill sergeant with a plan to help them. And with every step you take, you’ll worry about losing them because they’ll often make you feel like you’re trying to manipulate them and manoeuvre yourself into their life. Fixers don’t trust your motives because theirs are often less than pure.