Are You Sacrificing Too Much in Your Relationships?

Zoe’s boyfriend, William, wanted Zoe to move with him to Chicago when he started graduate school, and so she did, leaving behind a job she enjoyed and the good friends she had made.

She felt she was making a sacrifice, though she never said so to William. And once they were settled, Zoe felt she made another smaller sacrifice, agreeing to get the couch William wanted, though she didn’t care for it. Again, she went along and didn’t say any of this to William.

Feeling and labeling your actions a “sacrifice” means you’re not only doing something for another person but also pushing your wants and needs to the sidelines.

We all make sacrifices from time to time—”sacrificing” a weekend to help a friend move or help a colleague finish a project at work or Zoe giving up her comfortable lifestyle to join William in Chicago. It’s part of having a relationship with people we care about.

But over time, sacrifices can breed resentment and imbalance. I’ve seen many couples who come into therapy because one partner is fed up and has reached their tipping point.

They spend a good part of the session rattling off all the sacrifices they’ve made over the years that, like Zoe, have never voiced before.

The Consequences of Sacrifice

• You expect the other to do the same. Zoe moves to Chicago, but in the back of her mind, she thinks William will do the same if she wants to relocate her job at some point. Or, she gives in on the couch but expects him to let her pick out the bed she likes. It’s not only about the future job or bed but also about expecting William to make sacrifices as she did.
• You keep score. Giving up your weekend to help your friend move is fine, but if it continues where you feel you’re always doing for them, you instinctively start tallying up the score—what you’ve been giving versus what you’re getting back. The imbalance fosters resentment.
• You expect some payback. You may expect your friend to help you move at some point, but often, it’s something more straightforward—that you expect to feel appreciated. The underlying problem is lack of communication: Zoe says she loves the couch, or you say you’re excited about helping your friend move or help finish the project, and they take you at face value. They say thanks but don’t realize you were looking for something more. The problem is that you expect the other person to read your mind.

The Driver: Fear of Conflict

The underlying driver for all this sacrifice is most often about fear of upsetting the other person and avoiding possible conflict: Zoe doesn’t tell William what moving to Chicago means to her; you help your friend move because if you don’t, you’re worried that she will be disappointed and hold it against you, or worse, she’ll get angry and want to break off the relationship.

It’s about them, but ultimately, it’s about you—you’ve learned to deal with others you care about by accommodating; your little-kid brain is taking over.

The Alternative: Communication and Values

• Communication. To avoid these pitfalls, this backup of resentments, imbalance, or failed expectations, you need to be open and honest at the front end. Rather than Zoe saying that she is happy to move to Chicago, she tells William how she cares about and wants to support him, but she struggles with the idea of giving up her job and friends. Or, you tell your friend or colleague you are happy to help but also work out a compromise, where you can help for a few hours but have plans for the day that are important to you.
• Values. This is probably the most essential part of this process. Instead of acting out of fear of conflict, you sidestep those childhood fears and the dangers of sacrifice—the unvoiced expectations or building resentments—by following your values and basing your decisions on how you want to be a caring and responsible adult.
  This means that though Zoe may grieve the loss of her job or friends, she wants to be a good partner to William; doing what’s difficult is what partners do to show caring. You help your friend with the move or project because this is what you believe being a friend means or what working together at a job entails.

This is your adult vision of being an adult, and you must consciously decide the kind of person you want to be. It sidesteps any guilt or fear of conflict because you’re not driven by little-kid fears and old habits and should but because this is what integrity means to you.

And rather than expecting others to read your mind, you’re assertive: Zoe says she wants to design the bedroom or that you can’t devote a whole day to moving.

Yes, making sacrifices is part of living a life, but it’s not a default mode of being. Rather than being a martyr, live your values, be honest with others, care, but don’t be afraid to speak up.