Dark Night of Marriage

Part of the messiness of emotional intimacy involves the inevitable impact of psychological regression. Psychological regression is the surfacing of a younger psychological age seeking our attention.

Typically, we can make sense of this visit if we view this younger version of ourselves as seeking something that was originally unavailable. It could be understanding, love, attention, safety, or acceptance.

The return to a younger age is typically triggered by hearing a diminishing remark, a feeling of rejection, feeling dismissed or forgotten. An old authority voice rides along with what is heard currently.

Hence, all the makings of regression are present. Of course, as someone six years old surfaces, the conversation will be laced with blame, accusation, threats, condemnation, and criticism.

After all, someone very young is talking, bound to sabotage mutual understanding, compassion, and a much-needed resolution.

Let’s examine indicators that regression is likely taking place, and then we’ll focus on how we might grow ourselves back up.

Indicators of Psychological Regression

• There is almost a complete inability to identify what is needed or desired.
• There is verbosity or dead silence.
• Extreme thinking — everyone, no one, always, never, every time.
• Feelings of being scared and unsafe.
• Loss of options — “There’s only one thing I can do.”
• An attachment to being right.
• Spontaneous perspiration, cold hands, dry mouth, and shallow breathing.
• Feelings of being alone with no support from others.
• A tendency to feel like a victim.
• A dysregulated nervous system yielding a fight, flight, or freeze response.
• A sense of urgency and feeling of helplessness

Growing Yourself Back Up

Growing yourself back up takes practice. You can be mildly, moderately, or severely regressed. It depends on how many of the indicators are activated.

If you notice three or more indications that you might be psychologically regressed, it’s advisable to pause and address growing yourself back up.

Step 1. Accept regression as a natural psychological process with a commitment to develop an internal observer who can inform you that you may be regressed.

Step 2. Regulate your nervous system. You can do this by sitting in a quiet place, closing your eyes, and imagining in your mind’s eye a place where you feel deeply comfortable and relaxed. Hold the image for one minute. Keep your eyes closed and focus on internal sensations in your body, such as butterflies in the stomach, tightness in your throat, warmth in your legs, or shallowness of breath. As they surface, identify a dozen or so of these internal sensations until there is something resembling calm. Focus on the calm and begin to open your eyes slowly.

Step 3. Contact someone whom you trust and who understands psychological regression. Describe the original person of whom your partner is reminding you. Decide how you felt emotionally with the original person and what you want to say to them now.

Step 4. Let the younger version of you know your commitment to keeping them safe and describe how your partner differs from the original perpetrator.

Step 5. Tell your partner what you’ve done to grow yourself back up. If you believe that the original conversation still needs attention, then decide if you have enough adult ego to revisit it while remaining mindful of any ensuing regressive indicators.

You may need to deal with shame due to an inability to remain in an adult ego state. Remember that no one sustains a responsible and stable adult ego state. If you find the shame challenging to deal with, seek professional assistance to help you de-shame.

The goal is to accept that adults psychologically regress, and actual adults take the responsibility to learn how to grow themselves back up.