5 Subtle Signs You’re Angrier Than You Think, According To A Psychologist

If you’re the kind of person who likes to think of themselves as calm, cool, and collected, there’s a good chance you’re angrier than you realize (or want to admit).

Because anger isn’t a very socially acceptable emotion, many people end up masking it. And sometimes they’ve been masking their anger for so long — and are so good at it — they don’t even realize they’re angry anymore.

But here’s the problem:

No matter how good you are at hiding your anger, it will come out one way or the other.

As a psychologist, I regularly work with people who insist that they’re not angry, only to realize that many of their most unhelpful tendencies and habits are the result of unexplored anger.

Being angry isn’t a bad thing. But if you’re not self-aware enough to acknowledge it, the side effects can cause a lot of suffering for you and the people in your life.

Here are 5 signs you might be angrier than you think (and a few suggestions for dealing with that anger healthily):

1. Chronic Anxiety

Many people end up chronically anxious because they’re so afraid of their anger that they’ll take on any amount of stress to avoid it.

On the face of it, chronically anxious people look the exact opposite of angry. If anything they come across as meek, unassuming, or even pushovers.

But here’s the thing…

Just because you don’t look and act angry doesn’t mean you’re not feeling angry.

Anger is a natural human emotion we all feel as a result of injustice or boundary violations. For example:

• If a bully steals your lunch at school, it’s natural to feel angry about it.
• If you watch a news report of some innocent person being abused or taken advantage of, you’re going to feel angry about it.
• If your spouse sarcastically criticizes your outfit, you’re probably going to feel angry about it.

And more than just a sign that some injustice has been committed, anger is also fuel for rectifying it…

• Where would the civil rights movement be if no one got angry about slavery and racism?
• Where would democracy be if no one got angry at tyranny and fascism?

But a lot of people fear getting angry — or making others angry — so much that they take on huge amounts of stress and anxiety as a result of avoiding the anger.

For example, take the little boy who grew up with an alcoholic and abusive parent… He learned quickly as a kid that expressing his anger and frustration only got him hurt and abused.

So now, even though he isn’t physically in danger anymore, he’s in the habit of ignoring his anger. As a result, he never stands up for himself…

• He takes on way too much work in his job which keeps him stressed and anxious. All because he’s afraid to express his anger about giving too much work.
• He remains in a verbally abusive relationship because he’s afraid of his spouse’s anger and the conflict that would ensue if he stood up for himself. So he’s always worried about upsetting his spouse.
• He even has a hard time disciplining his children when he needs to because he’s afraid of his anger and theirs. So he’s constantly stressed and anxious about the way his kids are growing up.

Anxiety is the price of unacknowledged anger.

I encourage people to remember that “no” is a complete sentence.”

― Gavin de Becker

2. Rumination

Just because you’re not angry with other people doesn’t mean you’re not angry. Self-directed anger is a real thing too — with plenty of destructive consequences if left unchecked.

A lot of people assume they’re not angry because they never get angry with other people. They’re nice, friendly, tolerant, empathetic, and even quite patient when it comes to other people.

And because they rarely get angry at others, they seldom look visibly angry:

• They don’t shout or scream
• They don’t act out or get aggressive
• They don’t lose their cool when things go wrong

But looks can be deceiving…

Some of the angriest people I’ve ever met look like absolute sweethearts to everyone else — even to the people who know them well like spouses or parents.

How is this possible?

For many people, their anger is self-directed and manifests as an extreme type of negative self-talk called rumination.

Rumination is the mental habit of intensely negative and unproductive self-talk about mistakes or errors in the past.

For example:

• An offhand comment by a friend at dinner triggers a memory of a mistake you made in the past and you spend the rest of your evening dwelling on that mistake and all the negative consequences in your life that came from it.
• Your manager at work gives you some specific negative feedback about a recent piece of work and you spend hours distracted by thoughts of how you could have done better and why you’re always such a screw-up.

The key insight here is subtle but important:

While rumination often leads to sadness and shame, it’s usually fueled by self-anger.

Because most people identify with the consequences of their rumination habit, they don’t realize how important a role anger is playing in their lives.

Remember:

• Just because anger isn’t externalized or directed at another person doesn’t mean it’s not there.
• And just because your anger isn’t leading to destructive behaviours with others, doesn’t mean it isn’t leading to destructive behaviours with yourself.

If you struggle with rumination, self-criticism, or perfectionism, there’s a good chance that becoming more self-aware about your anger will help you escape the cycle.

If you had a person in your life treating you the way you treat yourself, you would have gotten rid of them a long time ago…

― Cheri Huber

3. Passive-Aggressive Communication

People become passive-aggressive when they experience intense anger but are afraid to acknowledge it.

When people are passive-aggressive it means that they act aggressively to get what they want but try to hide it to avoid taking responsibility for the consequences of their aggression.

Here are a few examples to illustrate:

• Chronically I am late for appointments or meetings but always have some excuse or another ready to explain it.
• “Having” a stomach ache right before you were supposed to meet up with that friend you don’t like but feel like to have to hang out with occasionally.
• Doing work poorly around the office so that someone else ends up doing it.

The problem with this habit of passive-aggressive behaviour is that it doesn’t work — not in the long run…

• Eventually, you begin to be perceived as flaky, unreliable, and irresponsible by key people in your life. As a result, your relationships suffer and you feel more and more isolated and alone.
• What’s more, on a deep level you perceive yourself this way too. The result is chronic low self-esteem, shame, and self-loathing.

The only way out of this cycle of passive aggression is to practice being more assertive. This means learning to acknowledge your anger and frustration and act on it when appropriate. But to do it in a way that’s both honest to your wants and needs but also respectful of those of others.

Becoming more assertive doesn’t mean denying your anger. It means acknowledging it and validating it so that you can deal with it healthily instead of “coming out” in unhealthy ways.

Assertiveness isn’t about building a good disguise. It’s about developing the courage to take the disguise off.

— Randy Paterson

4. Venting

Venting, complaining, b***hing, whining… call it whatever you want. But at the end of the way, if you’re doing it a lot, you’re probably more angry than you realize.

Do you vent a lot with friends, family, or coworkers? If so, that might be a good indicator that you’ve got a lot more unacknowledged anger and frustration in your life than you realize.

See, for a long time, the way psychologists thought and talked about anger was that it was a kind of toxic substance that had to be released or else it would be harmful. As a result, the idea of “venting” your anger became popularized and encouraged by a lot of therapists, counsellors, and advisors.

Unfortunately, turns out the whole cathartic theory of anger is a complete myth. And worse than that, simply venting your anger only intensifies it in the long run.

The healthiest way to deal with anger is to acknowledge it, validate it, act on it assertively if you need to, or just let it be if you don’t.

This means that if you’re the kind of person who vents a lot, or if you would label yourself a chronic complainer, the better strategy is to A) get better at acknowledging your anger or frustrations, and B) Either do something about them or let them go.

We like to vent because it gives us the illusion of working on things. But it doesn’t address the issues that make you frustrated in the first place. And even though it might feel good in the moment to vent, it only keeps those flames burning longer in the end.

Remember it’s perfectly healthy to feel frustrated and angry. But how you deal with those feelings can be very unhealthy.

To complain is always nonacceptance of what is… When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

― Eckhart Tolle

5. Hypercriticism

Many people mask their anger by expressing it in the form of coolly intellectual criticism of others.

If you tend to be overly critical or judgmental of other people, that might be a sign that you’ve got some unacknowledged anger to explore.

Here’s how it works…

• Often people feel bad about themselves in some big way — maybe they’re afraid to make a big life change, for example, even though they know it’s the right thing for them to do.
• This pain or inadequacy hurts, of course. But over time, what’s even worse, is the guilt and shame they feel for not doing anything about it even though they know they should.
• Eventually, this guilt and shame become self-directed anger and resentment. But still, they feel stuck…
• So to temporarily alleviate all of this negativity, they resort to criticizing or judging others as a kind of coping mechanism for their low self-esteem.
• Because when you criticize someone else, you implicitly communicate that you know better, which temporarily makes you feel good about yourself.
• Of course, in the long run, this judgmental ness becomes one more thing to feel bad about yourself for.

The thing is… many people who are in this habit of being judgmental of others, look the opposite of angry — they seem cool and detached in an intellectual or hyper-analytical way.

But here’s the thing…

This cool intellectual criticism of others is often just a mask for our own insecurities and self-directed anger.

You can only deal with your insecurities and self-anger if you are aware of it and are willing to explore it. And your habit of being critical of others may not subside until you address this core motivator for it.

The self-righteous scream judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets.

― John Mark Green

There’s nothing wrong with being angry. It’s a normal human emotion and has a great many important functions. But if you’re in denial about your anger that’s when you can get into trouble.

These 5 signs are useful indicators to help you explore the role that anger may or may not play in your life:

• Chronic Anxiety
• Rumination
• Passive-Aggressive Communication
• Venting
• Hypercriticism