My In-Laws Almost Ruined My Marriage

My husband and I have been married for five years and we have two children.

Not to be cliche, but we are honestly best friends. He is easygoing and sometimes too passive. I am excitable and sometimes too stubborn. We level each other out nicely.

Things were great with his family early on, when we were “long-distance” dating.

His family was welcoming and kind. I joined in on family activities and met their friends.

There were some odd happenings but I didn’t think too much of them.

Like the time we told them, “No, but thank you for the invite” when they asked us to join them at a friend’s party because we had planned to go out for dinner together. They insisted until finally deciding they would get dinner with us first, then go to the party. But, when we got in the car, they just drove us all to the party instead.

When we moved in together, we felt tension from his parents, but worked hard to keep a positive relationship going and still visited numerous times a month.

It was then we first noticed things didn’t work both ways and had very few visits from them… but, again, we didn’t think much of it.

When we told them about moving south we didn’t get a great reaction. It was uncomfortable to know they weren’t happy for us but we stuck it out.

Then we got engaged and all h*** broke loose.

My in-laws made it clear they didn’t like where we lived (we should live near them!), my family (they have nothing in common with them!), my husband’s job (he should work for his father!), the way we were planning our wedding (it’s opening day of hunting season!)… etc.

We tried to make it work to the point of exhaustion.

Some things we did embarrass me now. For example, my mother-in-law said they didn’t want my family around when they visited. So, we told my parents they couldn’t be at our house if his parents were there.

I just wanted to get along with my in-laws! I wanted them to be proud of their son and be a part of our life.

It was heartbreaking to see that all crumbling.

I even dealt with the stereotypical MIL move. I wanted to get her excited about our wedding. So when my gown came in, I invited her to see it. A few weeks later she called and said, “Hello! I bought my dress and love it! The only thing is that it looks a lot like yours…”

Time went on, my husband became busy with work and I was juggling my job and the baby. Mind you, my FIL refused to come out when the baby was born. He didn’t meet our son until he was five months old.

We had less time to drive to them and we needed help in order to keep up a relationship. They were unwilling.

After a while, we couldn’t keep putting ourselves out to see people who wouldn’t do the same for us. Not only would they not visit us, they wouldn’t make time for us when we went to see them.

Many times we’d drive there for a planned weekend visit and they weren’t home!

Once we started requiring them to put in the effort, they lost it.

My MIL repeatedly tore my husband apart, telling him he wasn’t trying hard enough and saying I caused the problem. It became a daily occurrence.

During sporadic visits, she’d wait until I was out of the room to tell my husband he was a bad son, say how horrible I am, and how much we’ve hurt them. The more she pushed, the more we pulled away.

Her tirades were constant and my father-in-law stopped talking to us completely.

My husband even wrote a heartfelt letter to him explaining how he wanted his dad in his life but that he couldn’t do it on his own.

My FIL never responded and my MIL told my husband it was because “your wife obviously wrote that.”

My husband was physically sick. I was a mess.

The worst part was that it affected us.

I wanted to talk about it, he didn’t. I ended up starting a journal to keep myself from going crazy.

The times we did talk were serious emotional discussions — what to do, how to handle it, how we feel, what is our plan.

It was draining. I was stuck. I wanted to defend my husband and myself but didn’t want to make things worse.

I was also petrified that if his mother never let up, he’d start doubting me somehow.

I also felt terrible for him. I can’t imagine my parents letting me down like that. He felt so disappointed. He was sad, angry and stressed. He wanted to stick up for our family but didn’t want to push his family away.

It was a never-ending battle and put constant pressure on our marriage.

When his mother lied about his grandmother having days to live and told us to come to say our goodbyes, it was the last straw. (We had immediately rearranged our schedules, drove out there, and found out she had lied.)

We thought, “This has gone too far.”

It was either our family or his parents.

They would like nothing better than for us to get divorced. (My MIL won’t even admit that our kids look like my husband! It is as if she secretly hopes they aren’t his.)

We took a break from them for six months. Then, his mother got in touch and asked him to visit. We said yes but made our boundaries clear.

We’ve had cordial visits for the most part which is good for the kids. My FIL hasn’t seen our son in two years and has chosen not to meet our newborn. Sad, but it’s the way it is.

At some point, we had to put ourselves first. Still, I can’t help thinking this semi-peace won’t last.

My brother-in-law’s wedding is this coming summer. I’m already feeling the anxiety starting. What calms me down is knowing I can count on my husband through it all.