17 Surprising Reasons You’re Dreaming About Your Ex
Getting over a breakup takes time and energy and pints on pints of Ben & Jerry’s, but once you’ve done the hard work (i.e., stopped drunk-texting them and watching all their Instagram Stories), the last thing you want is for your pesky ex to pop up in a dream—and yet, there they are.
While you’re catching Zzz’s, they’re bouncing through your thoughts as if they still belong. The nerve.
Here’s the good news: As annoying as it may be, dreaming about a former lover is not all bad. The same way that freaky dream about losing your teeth is a sign that you’re more stressed about a major life change than you’d like to admit, or dream-cheating on your S.O. means your current relationship might be in need of some TLC, dreams about your ex can give you really helpful intel into your real life.
Having an old flame guest star in your nighttime fantasies (or, uh, nightmares) is actually a reminder from your subconscious about general feelings you’ve shoved into the junk drawer of your mind and should consider revisiting. Generally speaking, an ex shows up in your dreams “because of unfinished business,” says Beverly Palmer, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor emeritus at California State University, Dominguez Hills, and author of Love Demystified.
And no—before you panic—those feelings aren’t necessarily about wanting your ex back, or tied to a sign that you belong with this person (fact: you most likely don’t!), says Marion Rudin Frank, EdD, a Philadelphia-based psychologist specializing in dream analysis and relationships. In fact, those feelings are actually probably not about your ex at all.
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“A dream is an interior problem-solving conversation that happens between your conscious and your unconscious mind,” says Layne Dalfen, a dream analyst, lecturer at Concordia University, and author of Have A Great Dream. “The conversation is triggered by something that either happened to you yesterday, or something that’s bugging you. When you deconstruct the images, you’re testing out different possible solutions and reactions to the person or situation that’s aggravating you.”
Ultimately, dreams are super personal for everyone (even the weather in your dreams is symbolic and specific to you!), Frank says. There’s no textbook answer for what a dream means—you’d have to sit down one-on-one with a dream interpreter for that—but the one common takeaway is this: Dreams are NEVER random. Every single one is a consolidation of what you’ve dealt with while awake and, for that reason, has tons of meaning, she says. (Fun fact: You have about six dreams per night, so gear up for a lot of deciphering.)
Here are the most common ex dreams and what they *might* mean, per psychologists and dream analysts:
1. If your ex randomly pops up in a dream…
This seemingly nightmarish sitch may stem from something small reminding you of them. It doesn’t have to be romantic or even positive, but merely could have inspired the feelings that led to the dream. All it takes, says Frank, is a whiff of perfume or having to deal with someone in your waking life in a way that’s loosely related to your ex for them to make an appearance in your dream world. Though they might not have done much in the dream itself, something you encountered during the day was enough to unlock a dormant memory of them that manifested itself as you slept.
2. If you dream about missing your ex…
If your dream self straight-up misses your ex, it might mean that you’re feeling a void in your life, says Frank, such as intimacy from a parent or a solid group of friends like the ones you had before relocating to a new place.
“Missing is a feeling,” Dalfen says. “So I would be asking that dreamer what’s going on this week? What are you missing? What do you feel? Have you not had sex in a while? Are you feeling rejected in some way?”
3. If you dream about fighting with your ex…
While your dream may feature a verbal sparring match with an ex, if you’re in a relationship right now, that might be the *actual* influence behind it. Spoiler alert: Dreaming about fighting with an ex may just mean your current relationship needs some work. You’re likely wrestling with something with your current partner that needs to be addressed, such as guilt about a lie you told them.
“You want to ask yourself about the person you dreamed about, and what thoughts and feelings come to mind when you think about that person,” Dalfen says. “Look at your current relationship and ask yourself, ‘What’s missing?’ Because if you haven’t seen or dated that ex for the last six, seven, eight months, one year, two years, it’s probably not about them.”,
4. If you dream about your ex complimenting you…
Ah, so maybe your self-esteem has taken a hit. If your ex is intruding, albeit politely, on your dreams, it may be because there are parts of yourself that you have trouble appreciating but your ex thought was beautiful, Frank explains. Your ex’s presence is your mind’s way of telling you to show yourself a little more love.
5. If you dream about your ex betraying you…
You’re probably annoyed with other people and are associating those negative feelings with your ex, Frank says.
Say your coworker takes credit for your work on a project, for example. Though you brushed it off in the moment, you might dream about your ex because they’re your subconscious’ best representation of those feelings of betrayal. So, dreaming about your ex could have been your mind’s way of reconciling with those feelings you’d pushed aside earlier that day.
Dalfen suggests looking at the feeling (in this case, betrayal) that your ex represents. Now, try and decipher what in your week might have inspired that feeling again.
6. If you dream about getting back together with your ex…
Remember when the pros said dreams about your ex aren’t always about wanting to get back together? Well, unfortunately, dreaming about reconciling with an ex can sometimes be a message about missing your ex, or at least wishing your current partner possessed some of the qualities you miss about the ex.
Of course, if your past relationship ended on good terms (lucky you), it’s not so unlikely that you’re easily reminded of them from time to time, and some of your fonder memories could pop up in your sleep.
7. If you have a sex dream about your ex…
Simply put, you might need more intimate connections in your life, according to Frank. That doesn’t necessarily mean more intimacy from your current partner—you might need it emotionally from your family or your friends. Which, yep, also means it might not be about sex at all! It could just be a desire for emotional intimacy.
8. If you dream about having babies with your ex…
Don’t freak out. Children represent creativity and the growth of ideas, says Gary Toub, PhD, a diplomate Jungian analyst who specializes in dream interpretation and a Senior Training Analyst at the C. G. Jung Institute of Colorado.
You might have dreamt about co-parenting with your ex merely because you’re excited about a project you just pitched at work, or because of some other cool creative endeavor. This isn’t necessarily (or likely) some deep-seated desire to procreate with a past partner.
9. If you dream that your ex apologized…
First of all, finally. Second of all, there’s a good chance the dream simply means you’re moving past something that hurt you, says Toub. Claps for the healing stage, am I right?
10. If you dream that you’re living with your ex…
Get this: It’s a really common dream, says Toub, but it’s also one of the most personal.
Overall, this particular ex dream means that whatever your former S.O. represents to you (safety, hurt, sadness, fear, warmth) is still alive in you. So, if you’re dreaming about shacking up, it’s probably because one of those emotions was triggered some time before you went to sleep.
11. If you dream about your breakup with an ex…
Did you somehow spend your precious eight hours reliving your breakup in dreamland? This could actually be a really great thing: You’re breaking up with the part of yourself that your subconscious mind associates with your old flame, says Palmer. Another win!
Especially if your former partner hurt you, this could be symbolic of your progress—the process of separating yourself from the part of you that was injured by your ex and getting your agency back.
12. If you dream about your ex’s new beau…
First, try and unpack what emotion you’re attaching to this experience in the dream—as you should in all of these scenarios. It’s not necessarily a negative. Maybe you’re moving on and happy for the new couple, or maybe it’s a trigger related to feelings of sadness and rejection, Dalfen says.
Maybe something else in your life made you feel the same sense of rejection you did during your breakup, Dalfen suggests. “I’d ask the dreamer, ‘Why are you doing that to yourself? What are you making yourself feel bad about?’” she adds.
13. If you dream about your ex rejecting you…
Again, this might have nothing to do with your feelings towards the ex, but rather the feelings surrounding them. If you’re reliving a former rejection (or even re-writing the script, of sorts) maybe that’s because you felt the same feeling of rejection in your life this week that your ex made you feel back then.
“You want to be looking at the [specific] ex in your dream,” Dalfen says. “What was it about them? What do you think about them? What comes to mind?” Once you establish that feeling at the epicenter of your dream, you’ll be able to more easily suss out what triggered it IRL.
14. If you dream about rejecting your ex…
Maybe you’re looking to regain some of the power back in your life. It could be in your love life or in your career, but either way, you want to be in control of the situation—and maybe you don’t feel like you are in that moment.
“When you give yourself choice, you are giving yourself power because you’re not stuck with your knee-jerk reaction,” Dalfen says. “And that’s what this is all really about. What do I deserve?”
15. If you dream about your ex sleeping with someone else…
Ding, ding, ding—there’s that rejection trigger again! If you’re dreaming about your ex sleeping with someone else (as an ex), you’re likely experiencing that feeling of rejection discussed earlier. But if you’re dreaming about your ex (as a partner) sleeping with someone else—i.e., cheating—that may have more to do with a feeling of betrayal in your life, says Dalfen.
One of Dalfen’s clients, for example, dreamt about his wife of 25 years cheating. After unpacking his feelings from the week, Dalfen’s client realized that the dream was actually triggered by a work situation—specifically, his own client (of 25 years) that decided to take his business elsewhere. He used his wife in the dream as a stand-in of sorts to work through the emotions.
16. If you dream about breaking up with your ex…
Here’s another answer you might not love: Maybe you’re not entirely healed just yet. Perhaps you need closure that you never got from the original breakup. Or if that’s not the source, you may be looking for similar closure in another part of your life. Your dream self might be telling you it’s time to quit your job, end that situationship, or even ask yourself whether it’s time to close the door on a certain friendship.
“If you don’t remember your dreams, you’re going to quit the job anyway and you’re gonna break it off with that guy anyway, but it might take you longer,” Dalfen says. “When you understand the dream and you understand what the heck you’re saying to yourself when you have that crazy dream, then your problem-solving increases exponentially.”
17. If you dream about still being with your ex…
Ah, so you never even broke up? At least, according to your subconscious dream world…well, don’t reach out and ask them to grab a drink just yet. Maybe this just means you miss a relationship and not the relationship, Dalfen says.
So… what do I do now?
Dreams about your ex (as unwelcome as they might be) can mean countless different things, so whatever you do, don’t write them off, Frank urges. They’re an opportunity to learn about yourself and, ultimately, grow.
To make the most of these lessons from your unconscious mind, Frank suggests writing down everything you remember about your dream(s) as soon as you wake up, and, if you’re able to, running it by a psychologist who can decode what your psyche is trying to communicate from those hard-to-reach parts of your mind.
Whatever feelings these dreams tap into, a therapist can help you sort through them, and if/when you’re ready, give you the tools and support you need to become your best self during waking hours. Because that’s the real dream, right?