How to Keep Your Cool in the Face of Conflict

“He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.”

Conflict exists wherever two or more living entities exist. Because it’s universal and inevitable, it’s best to learn to address it on your own rather than rely on a third party such as litigators or juries. No amount of “coexist” bumper stickers will get us to a life of peace.

Without Conflict, There Is No Plot

The repercussions of any conflict range from passive-aggressive side-eye and mild tensions to a nuclear bomb drop from a B-29 Superfortress and decades of armed occupancy by foreign invaders. A lot of people like conflict. That’s why there are cage matches, pay-per-view, and “Real Housewives of <name your favorite city>.”

Conflict often arises when someone disrespects boundaries, whether overt or implied. Your responses to boundary violations are often rooted in your upbringing.

When you’re used to being passive, assertiveness can feel like aggression. And when you’re not used to getting your needs met, prioritizing yourself can feel selfish. Don’t use your comfort zone as a reliable benchmark.

The Many Hues of Conflict Resolution

Conflict resolution skills are essential life skills and appropriate for any relationship or interaction you might have. It helps to remember that conflict is not inherently good or bad, but an inevitable result of humans relating to one another.

Benefits related to conflict resolution include improved problem-solving and stronger relationships. Conflict resolution also gave us dance-offs and Rochambeau (aka “rock, paper, scissors”). While “world peace” remains the top wish of beauty contest contestants worldwide.

There are, of course, downsides to attempts at conflict resolution that can include the emotional toll from the conflict itself; escalation of the conflict while attempting to resolve it; and limited effect, whereby the resolution of a conflict may only be temporary, and the situation may arise again in the future. Like when people say, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

How to Rise Above the Conflict in Conflicts of Interest

Try the following three conflict resolution tactics instead of self-medicating with argument.

1. R.E.P.A.I.R. a Relationship. We repeat what we don’t repair. Follow these steps in order, beginning by recognizing your part in the fray. As an example, consider a blow-out with your partner over their constant tardiness to events you attend together. They reply to your frustration with fuzzy logic like “We’re already late, so chill. You can’t be late twice!”

• Recognize that you must communicate early and often regarding expectations.
• Engage them in the process by asking what you can do to help them better prepare and improve their time management.
• Present yourself as willing to assist and support them in jointly reducing late arrivals.
• Amend anything you’ve done or said to contribute to the issue and Apologize if necessary.
• Inquire about how you don’t want to repeatedly criticize them over this and ask how it feels to them when you do.
• Remind them that you value the Relationship.

2. Use Some LOL: A Time-Honored Strategy in the Repertoire of Nonviolence. Used respectfully, humor can quickly turn conflict into an opportunity for common ground. It allows you to get your point across without raising the other person’s defenses or hurting their feelings.

Humor isn’t an instant fix for conflict, but it’s a worthy tactic in assuaging tensions and shifting perspectives. Humor should be beneficial for everyone involved. Before you unleash your mic-dropping material, first consider your motive and determine the pulse of the group. Know your audience. If you’re unsure, assume it’s comprised of grandmas and Girl Scouts.

3. ​Let Your Body Do the Talking: Power Posing and the Side-by-Side. You can deescalate tensions by adjusting your body language to communicate to yourself and to the other person a willingness to be open, flexible, and reasonable.

Stand confidently, but not aggressively. No need for a menacing T-pose or karate crane stance. Think self-assuredness, not double-leg sweep. Avoid crossing your arms, face scowling, angry or dismissive tones of voice, shouting, and literal finger-pointing.

Another helpful physical tactic to lower conflict stress is to do something together while talking side-by-side, rather than face-to-face. Often when we are sitting or standing across from one another, we are routinely in physically defensive positions with our bodies in opposing placements. Such positioning serves to heighten and escalate feelings of threat.

Talking while taking a walk or driving, for example, facilitates a more relaxed arrangement that is non-aggressive by default. It’s why marching bands are always so happy. Riding a tandem bike through the park with your enemy also allays any chance of hostility merely by physical arrangement.

If you ever feel unseen, remember there was another person in the plane when Amelia Earhart went missing.