Need, Should, Want, Deserve: Which Drives Your Life?

What do you discover when you step back and look at what drives your life, shapes your decisions, and molds your actions and expectations?

For many of us, our usual drivers fall into one or two of four camps: needs, shoulds, wants, or what we feel we deserve. Each has its own palate, coloring our lives in certain hues, creating its own benefits and challenges.

Here is how I think about them; see what you think, see where you fit.

Need

Here we think of life’s basics–food, water, shelter–and unfortunately, too many of us struggle to simply live at this level. But some use need as their measuring stick and decision maker by choice, and what lands in that category is always in the eyes of the beholder.

Some need-driven folks are frugal–if we don’t need it, we don’t get it–or are anxious–if the saving account goes below $50K, everyone’s on peanut butter and jelly sandwich lunches until it goes back up. Or need is easily confused with should or want–I need a new dress for the upcoming wedding.

To label something a need is to etch it in stone and make it resolute. While it is the strongest of the four drivers, following the bare-bones or anxious path can drain life of spontaneity and joy.

Should

To be driven by should is to be driven by rules that differ from values. Shoulds are usually absorbed by others at an early age, while values are defined by us when we’re older, serving as our personal code to live by.

Should often create black-white standards and expectations, implies a moral overtone, and a rigidity that is often a way of coping with underlying anxiety.

The should-driven life can lead to an intolerance of others who think differently, feelings of guilt when not followed, and like needs, lead to a lack of spontaneity that can leave little room for joy.

Want

While the should-driven folks run their lives on rules, the want-driven folks run theirs on emotions. Where the need and should-driven can get bogged down in deliberation, the want-driven are the opposite, fueled by spontaneity and impulsiveness, like the little kid in the candy store filled with scattered excitement.

It can lead to life always lived in the future–looking ahead to the next want and never really savoring the present–and the impulsiveness can result in poor decision-making–the buyer’s remorse, the after-the-fact realization that getting what you wanted wasn’t necessarily a good idea.

Deserve

Deserving is the caboose, the last car on a train of events driven by the engine of what was usually difficult work, stressful times: You’ve been working overtime on a project for the past two weeks and now deserve a mental health day, a mini-vacation, buying that new dress; you’ve been dealing with your whinny kids all day, and you deserve a drink.

Some make this into a ying-yang, work-hard, play-hard lifestyle, always swinging from one extreme to another.

But some take this a step further where what I deserve is more than an occasional event or lifestyle but an overall mindset that shapes their view of the world.

Here we can think of folks who are narcissistic, self-centered and entitled. They believe the world revolves around them; they are important, while those around them are not. Life is good when others meet their expectations; when others don’t, they’re depressed or angry. They can be unempathetic, uncaring, and use others to get what they feel they deserve.

Life in the Middle

Leaning too heavily on any of these drivers leads to a stressful, unbalanced life. Instead, you want to have a mix of drivers and find that middle ground away from all those either/or extremes; this is what will get you to Goldilock’s “just right.”

Here’s how to start.

Need

If you’re need-driven, what’s missing are wants and deserving. You need to make room for both–pay attention to something small you want on a gut level and take the baby step toward getting it. Your brain will push back and say it’s unnecessary, but see if you can allow yourself to sink into pleasure.

Next, try it with deserving–you’re allowed to earn rewards; life doesn’t have to be an endless slog.

Should

You have two challenges: To rewire your brain to pay attention to your wants, which means getting out of your head and into your gut. Anytime you notice any wisp of want, that gut feeling, act on it. It will feel reckless; you will feel guilty. That’s okay; you’re stepping out of your comfort zone; it will get better with practice.

Your other challenge is moving from shoulds to values–taking the time to decide your rules to live by rather than blindly following the ones you inherited.

Want

If you’re too want-driven, you need to slow things down and incorporate the deliberation of the need folks: You want this, but do you really need it? Just as the should-driven need to move from their heads to their gut, you need to move from your gut to your head to bring your rational brain into play.

Finally, get out of living in the future by slowing down and paying attention to and appreciating the present, again, a matter of practice.

Deserve

If you’re getting tired of the ying-yang life, experiment with the middle ground: Work, but don’t overwork; play but build it into your everyday life. And if it’s about being entitled and you realize it, good for you for taking off the blinders. Time to consider others, experiment with being generous, seeing others as equal to you rather than one down.

So, what drives you? Is your life out of balance? Ready to try a new approach?