The Breakup Story

A breakup is a painful experience. Even if you are emotionally detached from your partner by the time you break up, you loved them at one point, and ending the relationship will typically cause you to experience a sense of loss.

This emotional experience can at times be lengthened by being forced to relive moments of the relationship and recount its end to friends and family.

We often hear that there are three sides to every story, but are there also three sides to every breakup? Does each partner have their own version as to what led to the demise of the relationship?

The breakup explanation

Sprecher (1994) examined if, in fact, there are two sides to every breakup story. While many studies addressed the aftermath of a breakup from one person’s perspective, Dr. Sprecher wanted to see if there was agreement amongst partners after the relationship ended.

The purpose of her research was to examine if the emotional reactions to the breakup, perceptions as to who had control over the breakup, and the reasons for the breakup were similar or different between ex-partners.

She also wanted to examine any potential gender differences and gain a better understanding of how people deal with and experience the process of breaking up.

Data was collected from both partners of 47 couples that had broken up during the data collection phase in a larger longitudinal study about dating and relationships. This larger study began in the fall of 1988.

Results demonstrated that both partners from the couple reported feeling distressed after the breakup and experienced negative emotions to a greater degree than positive emotions.

Significant negative correlations were found between partners for the emotions of guilt, resentment, and loneliness. Specifically, if one partner experienced more of these emotions, the other partner experienced less of that same emotion.

There were no gender differences in negative emotions experienced post-breakup, but women experienced happiness, content, and satisfaction to a greater degree than men.

Partners did agree on which member of the former couple was responsible for the breakup and on the reasons for the breakup.

Therefore, while there may be different feelings experienced by each partner at the end of a relationship, they were able to agree on why the relationship itself ended.

Therefore, there weren’t multiple stories, as men and women largely agreed on the reasons they gave for the breakup.

Hill, Rubin, and Peplau (1976) had previously conducted a two-year-long study examining breakups and found that women were more likely to perceive problems in their relationships and initiate the breakups.

They found that while men were more likely to fall in love first, women fell out of love first. They also found that women rated a larger number of attributions (or reasons for the breakup) as sources of conflict than men, which suggests that they were more likely to have reasons for the breakup. This contradicts the findings of the previously mentioned study.

Conclusion

When considering the end of a relationship, it is important to remember that there are likely many differences that can influence its end and the story told after.

These may include the length of the relationship, the closeness of the partners prior to the breakup, social support received, the nature by which it ended, etc.

No matter what story is told, it is important to remember that unless a person wants to discuss the relationship and confide in you, it’s best not to make them rehash what can be a very negative experience.