“I Have Not Fallen in Love for Years”
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” —Plato
Falling in love is an exciting and pleasant experience for most people. Why then, do so many people fear falling in love?
Romantic love involves intense sexual attraction and meaningful friendship, enabling personal development and self-fulfillment. Fear of falling in love (philophobia) involves a dissonance between intense attraction toward someone and the worry of the failure of achieving a profound bond.
Factors underlying the fear of falling in love
“In falling in love, I let down all of my defenses, becoming mentally and physically naked. I trust a man and emotionally depend on him, but have no security net. If he lets me down, it will greatly hurt me.” —Helen
“There is no reason for women to fall in love after 40; it is better that the man loves you more than you love him. The fear is not of falling in love, but of an asymmetrical love.” —Anat
Fear of falling in love — a type of fear of intimacy — refers to the fear of establishing a loving relationship. A broader fear of intimacy involves reticence of other kinds of intimacy, when, for instance, one is already in a romantic or nonromantic relationship. Approximately 17% of people in Western culture suffer from fear of intimacy, which includes fears of abandonment and engulfment, although both ultimately are part of loss — either of the partner or oneself.
Psychologists indicate that personal risk factors, such as childhood trauma or neglect, abuse, and sickness or death of a parent, generate the fear of falling in love. I will not discuss these factors, but rather focus on the risks of the romantic process itself.
In addition to personal background factors, fear of falling in love relates to three major aspects: (1) Finding a suitable person for falling in love with typically involves a long, painful and frustrating search; (2) The good results are typically brief, after which a period of sadness and despair prevails; (3) The experience itself involves, in addition to exalted, happy feelings, negative aspects such as loss of control and identity.
Finding a suitable romantic partner often requires a long search, including unpleasant, superficial and disappointing experiences. When a brief relationship ends, one may decide, upon calculating the benefits and costs of their experience, that it is not worth the personal heartbreak. A common reaction to this difficulty is avoiding significant investment in the search, hoping that the dream person will nevertheless appear. As one woman said, “I am not looking for my dream man, but if he knocked on my door, I wouldn’t kick him out of my bed.”
However, the probability of this fantasy happening in actuality is low; making an effort to find a partner considerably increases this probability of finding them. Since there are various ways to search for a partner, the optimal method does not require a tiring search, taking all one’s resources and time. Rather, a less intensive search can enable you to continue with other meaningful activities.
The results of falling in love frequently can be painful. Sometimes falling in love is asymmetrical, and sometimes a great love abruptly ends in a rejection where pain and disappointment continually burn our hearts for years. As one woman said, “I am scared of falling in love, because when I’m in love with someone, I think about a future with them which is unrealistic.”
The above two factors underlying the fear of falling in love do not undermine the value of such love in itself, but indicate the difficulties before and after falling in love. I turn to discuss the third and more central factor, which refers to difficulties present within the experience of falling in love.
The paradox of falling in love
“Falling in love again, never wanted to, what am I to do? Can’t help it.” —Marlene Dietrich
“What do you get when you fall in love? You only get lies and pain and sorrow, so far at least until tomorrow, I’ll never fall in love again.” —Dionne Warwick
“I prefer influenza over falling in love. I fear jumping into a meaningful, profound relationship on the mere basis of the intense excitement of falling in love. The times that I allowed this excitement ended up being superficial bonds in which I was required to change who I am — as if a foreign woman had invaded and controlled me.” —Scarlett
Falling in love itself is an exhilarating, enjoyable experience including both positive and negative aspects. Despite Mae West’s claim that “too much of a good thing can be wonderful,” there are often difficulties with an experience that is too good. Thus, the addictive, exhilarating feeling of falling in love may overshadow other important things in life, making you behave as if a stranger has invaded you, controlling your actions while preventing your authentic behavior. A major difficulty in falling in love is the feeling of losing control. In the state of being in love, there is significant trust in the partner, but the process of falling in love necessitates unfounded trust, which endangers you.
The fear of falling in love is often expressed in holding very high expectations for the suitable partner without a readiness to fall in love with someone who is anything less than this perfect person. Indeed, the phrase “unlucky in love” often refers to those for whom love passes their way more than once, but due to fear, they refuse to see it.
Another way in which we may see a fear of falling in love is when the implementation of love is complex and highly improbable, e.g., falling in love with a married person or someone with no chance of sustaining an enduring relationship because of their traits and conflicting future plans.
Which way to go?
“I fear falling in love very much, as I fear being abandoned. As a result, I twice ended up in marriages, where there was a lack of infatuation or space for me to grow and thrive.” —Lucy
“Even though I felt painful rejection from the love of my life, I kept my heart open, for I knew the benefits of love over the symptoms of a life without intimacy.” —Rebecca
Like anger, sadness and other negative emotions, fear is valuable when it is brief and limited to the given circumstances. When fear is chronic with no connection to reality, it is harmful. Fear of falling in love is valuable when there are red flags associated with a specific person’s traits and behavior. Fearing all cases of falling in love is a chronic harmful anxiety.
The great light of love can indeed burn our hearts with intense pain when relationships end; however, it is preferable to be both intensely happy and sad than not to feel anything. As Alfred Tennyson said, “‘It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.
Life involves a desire for improvement associated with taking risks, while realizing that all good experiences in life will sometimes end. Emotionless life is like mental death. We should behave wisely, while taking some calculated risks. One of them is falling in love.
The bad news concerning falling in love is that the risks are real and often materialized. The good news is that we can cope with these risks and bring back the marvelous feeling of falling in love at any age. When accepting the fact that life is not always a bed of roses, we can get used to the sting of thorns, without giving up the sweetness.