5 red flags to watch out for when making new friends
As much as many love to proclaim being a loner nowadays, I don’t feel the same pride. I was an involuntary loner during the pandemic and am over it. Luckily, I moved to a new neighbourhood with the perfect activities for girlfriends to hang out in. And I finally took the initiative to make a Bumble BFF account.
When I first scoped the app, I was pleasantly surprised at how many others in their twenties sought the same things I did: genuine connections and experiences with like-minded friends. Within the year, I’ve lost count of how many friend dates I’ve gone on, but in the end, I’ve only continued friendships with two.
Making friends as an adult is hard. There are time constraints, lack of trust, and, for some, the unwillingness to maintain a connection. If you’re looking for friends to make as an adult, here are the 5 red flags I’ve seen in people who would make terrible friends:
1. Gossiping
I’ve come across people who do not hesitate to badmouth their friends and family members to me. If someone speaks negatively of people who confide in them, then there’s a high chance that they’ll speak negatively about you, too. This type of connection is hindered–it’s uncomfortable opening up to an individual who can’t keep secrets and would talk behind your back!
2. Trauma Dumping
Listening to excessive gossip may be irritating, but listening to someone trauma dump their problems onto you is exhausting. As friends get to know each other over time, they will reveal personal stories to each other in confidence. However, listening to a laundry list of one’s traumatic experiences on the very first friend date is heavy. This type of interaction feels unbalanced, as one party becomes the therapist. Furthermore, a friend who keeps you around to trauma dump on you but never invites you to fun activities is not a real friend.
3. Bullying
I’ll start with this disclaimer: immediately disconnect from anyone who is full of themselves. It’s one of the biggest red flags you should avoid. For individuals not in the psychology field, we obviously can’t diagnose, but we can keep an eye out for people full of arrogance, lack of empathy, and entitled behaviour. The longer I tried to socialize with someone like this, the more of an effort they tried to target my self-esteem through consistent belittling, self-centered conversations, and comparing statuses. This unhealthy interaction may cause you to doubt yourself, which you don’t want!
4. Constantly Competing
I’ve met good people who let their insecurities get the best of them. These people consistently attempt to one-up a friend in what feels like a one-sided competition. I find this disappointing, as it reveals the inadequacy they feel around their friends–even if their friends view them as an equal. This connection, naturally, fizzles out–a friendship can’t deepen if we can’t get past the surface-level obsession with status.
5. Using Others
It’s unfortunate to let someone in your life only to have them use you. They only like you for what you have to offer, not because they genuinely like you as a person. I had a friend that I hadn’t been abroad with in years propose a vacation to Havana, where my family lives. It was supposed to be us two, but she invited several of her friends without consulting me, assuming my family would serve as their personal tour guides. She needed me so that they could have the authentic Cuban experience for free. Thankfully, that trip never happened, and, like before, I was never invited to any of her other girl trips. Good riddance.
While this list may make you nervous about seeking friendships, not all hope is lost. The journey of friendship is full of trial and error. Eventually, you’ll find your people, even if it’s just two people! You’ll find those who have green flags, not all the red flags listed above.
And don’t be afraid to branch out. While I started on Bumble BFF, I found an amazing friend at an aerial arts studio.
The healthiest friendships leave me feeling energized and happy with every interaction, and I hope you find that as well.