It’s been a week.
My friend’s father died, another friend was in a serious accident (he’s recovering), and my son had emergency surgery (he’s doing fine, thankfully).
Life throws curveballs, challenges, and sometimes enormous situations that we need to find our way through.
And through it all, there are waves of emotions that we somehow need to manage—sadness, anxiety, worry, fear, grief, despair, and other unpleasant “visitors.”
Denying or suppressing these emotions may at times temporarily help us through, but in the long term, it can have negative consequences for our mental and physical health. On the other hand, becoming overwhelmed and overtaken by these emotions makes it hard to move forward. Both are human reactions to stressful events. Our nervous system can naturally go into fight, flight, or freeze mode in the service of trying to protect us.
In the face of such difficulties, we may not be able to choose our circumstances or our initial reactions, but we can choose where we place our attention. When we focus on things that bring “cues of safety” to our nervous system (to help offset the threat response), we help create the conditions for self-compassion, clarity, perspective, acceptance, problem-solving, and other inner resources to emerge, to sit side-by-side with our more difficult emotions.
Here are four ways you can direct your attention to help manage challenging situations:
1. Personal agency
Personal agency (identifying what is in your sphere of influence, even if very small) can help lower anxiety and stress. While lack of control can be a perceived threat for the nervous system, a sense of personal agency can help us shift to a more regulated state.
When my son was in pain after his surgery, I channeled my otherwise helpless feelings into doing some meditation with him to help him relax his body. It was a little thing, but it gave me something to focus on and a sense of doing something (that helped both of us).
Other examples of personal agency in the face of difficulties could be getting more information about a medical condition, advocating for yourself, offering support to someone suffering, seeking the help of a professional for emotional or other support, doing something to take care of yourself like going for a walk or eating a nourishing meal (and reminding yourself that small acts of self-care will help give you the energy to meet whatever is here).
2. Social connection
When our nervous system is dysregulated in the face of challenge, we often can feel alone in handling the enormity of what is at hand. Importantly, though, when in the presence of a caring other, this not only feels good emotionally but also can help to bring our nervous system back into physiological balance and connection through a process called co-regulation.
You might think about different people in your life and how each person offers different kinds of support to you. For instance, certain people may tend to make you laugh; others may be good at comforting you; others may provide a listening, non-judgmental space; and so on. Decide what you most need in this moment and reach out. (This step can be difficult, but it is usually well worth it.) For some people, being in small groups or feeling part of community activities can make a big difference in difficult moments. Connection can come in many forms, so be open to what feels most supportive for you.
3. EFT tapping
When our nervous system is revved up, using mind-body modalities to help bring more balance and dial down our stress response can be immensely helpful both physiologically and emotionally. When our nervous system comes down from high alert, we are able to see more possibilities, take more skillful actions, and make space for more acceptance and well-being.
One modality I’ve been using lately is Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) tapping. The research on this for helping to reduce stress, anxiety, depression, and more is quite compelling. EFT involves gently tapping with your fingers on various acupressure points in the body while saying certain phrases. For the first few rounds of tapping, it is common to acknowledge and name what you are feeling (difficult emotions, tension in the body, anxious thoughts, etc.). As the body comes back into balance, one can then verbalize positive coping statements that help to strengthen inner resources (e.g., I choose to slow down and quiet my mind; with each breath I am teaching my body it’s safe to relax; I can observe this anxiety and allow it to move through me).
Here’s a quick video with Nick Ortner, founder of the Tapping Solution, that you can try and see for yourself how it works.
4. Noticing what’s nourishing
We can go through our days with hundreds or more things in our visual/attentional field at any moment, and yet we can only take in a minuscule bit of that information. Ten people might look out at the same scene or situation and see very different things. Additionally, because it is easy to fall into autopilot mode, we can often look past things without really seeing them (think about driving down the road, lost in thought and not having any idea of your surroundings).
In the midst of life’s challenges, these little things can become the big things that help us through hard moments. We can practice noticing what is nourishing, supportive, and comforting. These become cues of safety for our nervous system to take in, and they can help to offset our stress response.
Rick Hanson’s research on “taking in the good” suggests that repeatedly taking in positive experiences in embodied ways can help offset the negativity bias of our brain (the tendency to notice and remember the negative things and overlook the positive ones). Additionally, this study suggests that short practices of taking in the good can help us build inner resources (such as savoring, self-compassion, improved mood, and emotional reappraisal).
At my dad’s funeral many months ago, when I was able to notice the room filled with caring faces, it brought ease in the face of grief. During my son’s surgery, holding onto the calm, confident voice of the surgeon helped me ride through my waves of anxiety.
