4 factors causing tension between adult children and parents
Adult children and their parents can suffer from disconnection for a wide range of psychological and emotional reasons that deserve exploration.
While past trauma, addiction, and other fraught issues often take centre stage in family struggles, it’s important to also understand how demographic and generational differences influence these dynamics. Certain static features such as immigration status, age, socioeconomic status, and even personality can significantly impact a parent and child’s ability to connect.
Immigration Status
When parents are first-generation immigrants, they may feel disconnected from their children who were born in the United States. Immigrant families bring with them a wealth of culture, traditions, and values that may not always align with dominant American ideals. This cultural clash can lead to tension as parents and children navigate the divide between maintaining traditional values and adopting new ones.
For example, disagreements about communal responsibility (a value central to many immigrant cultures) versus individual ambition (a hallmark of American society) can cause friction. A parent might ask their adult child to prioritize family needs, while the child feels a strong pull toward personal goals and independence. On a smaller scale, parents might feel hurt or disappointed when their children distance themselves from their cultural or linguistic traditions or fail to embrace them as fully as expected. These generational and cultural differences create an emotional gap that can be difficult to bridge.
Age and Generation
The generational divide between parents and adult children can create substantial tension. Every generation is shaped by its unique historical, social, and political contexts, which affect the way each group sees the world and approaches relationships. What may seem obvious to one generation can feel outdated or irrelevant to the next. For example, younger generations—especially millennials and Gen Z—are navigating a fast-changing world with rapid technological advancements, shifting social norms, and a stronger emphasis on mental health and emotional expression.
On the other hand, older generations, such as baby boomers and Gen Xers, often have more traditional values shaped by different political realities, media, and social norms. These differences can be particularly noticeable when it comes to issues like politics, lifestyle choices, work ethic, and even how to communicate. While many families manage to bridge these gaps, the clash of experiences can still create ongoing friction, especially when parents struggle to relate to a younger, more digitally savvy world.
Socioeconomic Status
Another source of tension that often arises in families is when adult children surpass their parents in earning power. In my practice, I’ve seen many families where the financial divide becomes a silent barrier. Parents may feel uneasy, even envious, of their children’s newfound wealth, which can make everyday interactions feel awkward or strained.
Common issues can surface in these situations—who should pay for family dinners, how to discuss lavish vacations, and how parents view their children’s careers versus how the children view their parents. These financial disparities can also change the way both generations view each other’s work and success. When parents and children are in different income brackets, even the simplest conversations about money or lifestyle can become fraught with discomfort.
Personalities
Sometimes, the difficulties in parent-adult child relationships are rooted not in trauma or financial issues but in the simple fact that parents and children are just very different people. Despite sharing DNA and growing up in the same home, parents and children may have few common interests, beliefs, or values. This disconnect can make it difficult to find shared activities, entertainment, or even conversation topics during family gatherings.
Families in which there is little overlap in personality or interests can sometimes feel superficial at best. Family members may struggle to find common ground, leaving relationships strained and disconnected. This is particularly true when one or both sides feel they have to force a connection that doesn’t naturally exist.
Bridging the Gap
Sometimes parent-adult child relationships struggle because parents and adult children are very different people. Despite loving one another, they come from different generations and may have contrasting life experiences, varying immigration statuses, different financial realities, or distinct personalities. These differences can make connecting and understanding each other challenging.
It’s OK that these differences create friction; understanding and integrating them into the process of building connection can help bridge the gap. By acknowledging these underlying factors, families can foster deeper empathy, improve communication, and find ways to relate to each other despite their differences.